paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

My Granny's got AIDS,

one in each ear.

[zakboy]

"I wish you were like those extras in Emmerdale, in the Woolpack," I told my wife.

"What, subtly glamourous, adding some interest to the scene?" she queried.

"No. You just see their mouths open and close, but there's no sound." 

[zakboy]

I bumped into an old friend today, he has a terrible stammer.

"Alright Chris, how's things?"

"N n n n n not bad, h h how are y y you?"

"good cheers, you still seeing that bird?" i said

"N n n nah, its o o o over" he replied

"What happened?" i asked

"Well, y y y you remember h h her mum didn't like me, w w well i went to p p p pick her up l l l last week and sat w w with her mum while she g g got ready" he explained

"Yes" i said

"Well the c c c cat was scratching right in the sm sm small of its back & i said 'i bet you w w w w, i bet you w w w w, i bet you w w w w wish you could do that?' but by the t t time i got it out, it was licking its ars*!"

[zakboy]

Bikini is a dress where 90% of a women's body is Exposed
and the amazing fact is that men are so decent they only look at the covered 10%

[spanners]

 

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

I recently joined the foreign legion, after a week in the desert barracks i asked another legionaire what they did for sex.

He said "A camel train comes through once a month, we just satisfy ourselves on them.

A couple of weeks later a huge camel train was passing near the barracks, the legionaires dropped everything & were sprinting towards the camel train, pushing & fighting each other as they went.

I said to the guy next to me "What's the rush, there's hundreds of camels!"

He replied "you don't want to get an ugly one do you!?"

[zakboy]

my jewish mate buys his shoes 3 sizes to small to save money on polish

[zakboy]

These iron pills I've been taking for over a month don't seem to be working, my clothes are still full of creases.

[zakboy]

My tip when it comes to sex tapes... Don't go all out. That 99p stuff from screw fix is the best I find.

[zakboy]

My wife is divorcing me because I spend too much time studying law.

Or to put it another way, section 47a of the 1978 divorce act.

[Shafty]

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
 Melt them, turn them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's pink and fluffy
 A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
 A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mickey Mouse goes to the judge to speak to him about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy".

 

[zakboy]

 

[bitzman5]

 

[bitzman5]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
...
 The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she
was... To do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there
was a huge dinner on the table.
 
The third man married a girl from Wales. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals
on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything
 either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could
 see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could
 fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates...