Manky Monkey Motors

Paddy and Murphy were crossing the road when Murphy was struck and knocked down by a car, paddy dialed 999 and asked for a ambulance,..the operater ask what the problem was, to which paddy replied "me mate Murphy's been knocked down", the operater asked "do you have an address there sir", to which paddy replied "yes he,s outside 73 eucalyptus avenue", at which point the operater asked "can you spell that for me sir", at which point a very puzzled paddy not able to spell it fell silent, after ten min's of the operater trying to regain contact with paddy  paddy finale replied "its ok iv just dragged him round to oak street" o.a.k. s.t.r.e.e.t                                                                                    

paddy said to Murphy "whats that you carrying under your arm", Murphy said "it,s a flask" paddy ask,s "well what dose it do",Murphy say,s "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold", paddy ask,s "well what you got in it then" Murphy replies " two cups off coffee and a choc ice"

paddy and Murphy were towing a horse box along the motorway when they were pulled over by the police for speeding,when questioned by the police on why they were speeding paddy said "we are trying to get a non runner to kempton park in time for the 3.15"

paddy and Murphy were siting in a bar watching an item of news on the TV, the item of news concerned a man threatening to jump off a high rise building, paddy says to Murphy "i bet you 20 quid he jumps", Murphy says "Na he wont", anyway the guy jumps and paddy says to Murphy "you owe me 20 quid" Murphy hands over the 20 quid but paddy hands it back and says "i cant take your money Murphy i cheated i had already seen it on the early er news", Murphy says "so did i but i dint think he would do it again"

sorry but as a parrot breeder i could not resist this please note this is not for kids. why not to swear in front of a parrot http://videosift.com/video/Swearing-Parrot

paddy and Murphy were walking down the street when Murphy found a mirror, he picked it up and looked in to it and stood puzzled scratching his head, he walk a few yards further on stoped looked in the mirror looking puzzled scratching his head, this went on for twenty Min's, paddy finale got fed up and said to Murphy "whats that you found Murphy", Murphy "said its a photo", paddy said "a photo of what" Murphy replied "its some bloke i seem to recognise but just cant put a name to him",paddy said "give it hear lets have a look" Murphy handed paddy the mirror paddy looked in to the mirror and said "you thick tw-t Murphy its a photo of me"

paddy and Murphy were standing at the bus stop when a lorry drove past loaded with turf.Murphy says "that's what I'm going to do when i win the lottery",paddy say "what drive a lorry" Murphy say "no send me grass to be cut

Paddy and murphy were walking down the street. Paddy bent down and picked up a paypacket with £900 in it. Then he started crying his eyes out. "What's up Paddy, you've just found £900 and your crying!"
Looked at murphy with tears in his eyes he sobbed " Look at the tax the bstrds have stoped me"

paddy & murphy was walking down the road,when paddy noticed a sign saying 'TREE FELLERS WANTED' . he turns to murphy & says''shame theres only two of us''...........

 ;D ;D ;D i love um keep um comin

paddy was walking round to murphys on halloween night,as he aproched murphys door he noticed a large pair of pink platform boots on his door step,when he gets in to murphys he says to murphy "what you left them boots on the door step for" murphy says "its to stop the kids knocking me door trick or treating",paddys says well hows that work then" murphy says "they think gary glitter lives hear"

two irish gentlemen of a certain persuasion,Micheal Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzmicheal...........................




sorry!

Two scots fellas of a certain persuasion....
Ben down and Phil MacCavity.

what happend to paddy and murphy  :'( :'( ;D

probly saw pat & micheal .............

yes i think i would soon be off as well ;D ;D

 ;D

maybe just maybe he'd no cream in the fridge. and everybody knows you can't have apple pie without cream,your honour

paddys mutt

A doctor heard loud screams from the treatment room in A&E, he ran in to the room saw waht the nurse was doing and shouted " Stop, stop, I said prick his boil"

A drunken paddy collapsed at the party and as he fell he caught his chin on the keyboard of the piano, knocking him spark out. On coming round murphy asked 'Who hit you?'

'I don't know,' said paddy. 'But he had a beautiful set of teeth!'

 
 

paddy said to the fishmonger......"ill take a pair of kippers please".... the fishmonger said "sorry paddy i don't have a pair"........... paddy "said OK ill take two odden,s then

Paddy was working in a chip shop. A punter came in and said "Fish and chips twice, please" Paddy looked at him and said "OK, I heard you the first time"

Paddy went to the doctor and said " I'm having terrible trouble, I go to the toilet every morning at half past seven" "What's the problem" said the doctor.  Paddy said " I don't wake up untill half nine"

(This was inspired by hagars post in the @Morning@ thread ;D ;D )

Paddy and Murphy paramedics

PMSL Brilliant, so that's where I've been going wrong...keep failing the cpr course.  :-[ :-[

BREAKING NEWS:

Inspired by events in New York City on 9/11 it has emerged that the IRA has hijacked a hot air balloon and bounced off Canary Wharf three times.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.....

To prevent the spread of Bird Flu the Irish government today announced an immediate ban on all Hen Parties

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin............

Police believe that "Irish terrorists" have set off the first "No more nails" bomb.

paddy said to the girl in the disco "do ya fancy a sh-g then" the girl said "im on my menstrual cycle" paddy "said great im on me scooter ill follow you home den"

Way down in the back of beyond in Ireland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murphy! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!"

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murphy! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murphy, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"

The doctor said, "You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception."

Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception."

When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."

Murphy said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's afookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

Irishman's Letter to the DHSS after receiving a Leaflet...

Dear Sir,

I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would like to apply straight away for Aids. I have been on the dole for the past 10 years and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and every other State aid I could get.

It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids has come so late, as I already have 15 children, and wondered if you will be paying back payments?

Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have of getting Aids. My only problems here is persuading the wife, who is not too keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids, but she showed little interest and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the 17.28 paid out for these gadgets?

Anyway I will now explain to her that the Government will be paying us for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she'll agree that we cannot let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance, there is a bit left, though, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.

I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the Aids I get from the hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know?

I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance, I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?

Yours faithfully,
Seamus O'Toole

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.... The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.

Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.

Colic......................A sheep dog.

Coma............A punctuation mark.

Dilate....................To live long.

Enema....................Not a friend.

Fester..........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.....................A small lie.

Impotent................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid..................A higher offer.

Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.

Node......................I knew it.

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum...................Nearly killed him.

Secretion................Hiding something.

Seizure.....Roman emperor.

Tablet...................A small table.

Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...................One plus one more.

Urine....................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure

paddy was  in a lift in a posh department store, when two young arrogant women get in wearing very expensive scent. "Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle," says one. "Chanel No 5, £150 a bottle," says the other. As paddy leaves the lift, he farts and says, "Brussells Sprouts 25p a pound...!!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
coffee machine,
inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:

'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?'

The woman replies,

 its paddy The midget.'

paddy was rowing his boat in the middle of a field when murphy happend to pass,he looks at paddy in his boat then shouts "paddy its idiots like you that give us irish a bad name.......... id come across and kick seven bell out of ya... if i could swim"

The zookeeper says to Paddy “The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her… would you consider sha--ing her for £500″?  Paddy replies “I will, on three conditions.  Firstly, I don’t have to kiss her.  Secondly, my family will never get to know, and Thirdly, give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together”.

paddy said to murphy "i want one of them trike tings so im going to add a turd wheel to me motorcycle" murphy say "when you be doing da,t then paddy"..........paddy say,s the steering wheel will be hear tomorrow

Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," said Murphy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, tis is serious," said Murphy, "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"Murphy!" shouted Paddy, "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell 'em apart?"

"Ah, fook it!" says Murphy, "How about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide

An Irishman wearing nothing but Wellingtons goes up to the top of a block of flats and jumps off. The Police and some eyewitnesses are standing round the body talking when a Policeman says, "It looked as though he committed suicide then. He went up to the top and just jumped."

Then one of the dead mans friends came up to the little group and said, "He did not commit suicide. He thought he could fly."

"But he had no wings," said the Policeman, "He was just wearing Wellingtons."

"I know," replied the dead mans friend, "Someone told him earlier this morning that his grandfather flew in Wellingtons during the Second World War."

Paddy's standing at the bus stop, murphy drives past so ask's if he wants a lift?''No'' replied paddy "best not I dont want to miss me bus''

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at Dubln port. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four." "Quattro is just the name of the car" the Englishman says, "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You wont pull that one on me" says Paddy, "...Quattro means four. You have five people in your car so you are breaking the law." The Englishmen shouts, "You f--king idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," says Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"
No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
... "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to sh-g ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!

Paddy takes some vinegar back to the shop and says this is no good cos it's got lumps in it.
Shop owner says "ya thick tw*t - they're not lumps they're pickled oniions!!"

Paddy on death row gets the choice to be shot, hung or injected with the aids virus. He says 'Give me that aids stuff'. They inject him and he starts rolling around the floor laughing. The warden asks 'what's so funny Paddy' to which Paddy replies 'I'm wearing a condom'

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." 

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
_________________________________________________________________

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.  Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?" 

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.....
_________________________________________________________________

The Irish have solved their fuel problems.  They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
_________________________________________________________________

Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m going to do it a bit different.  Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary got pregnant.  Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant.  Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”

Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”

Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”
_________________________________________________________________

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
_________________________________________________________________

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?" 

Paddy:  "We’ll lie and say we only found two."
_________________________________________________________________

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.  "Did you find the shampoo?" 

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 ;D ;)

paddy the farmer was walking across his fields when he notice a bloke drinking water from his pond he shouts to the bloke "dont drink out of there its got cow s**t in it" the bloke looks up and shouts to paddy "sorry im english can you say that a bit slower"........ paddy shouts back........i said use both hands you will get more in"

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

... Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
... Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with
only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent
asked

"What are you selling' here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,

"You are doing well ... Only two left!"

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

 ;D

Sioban asks Murphy if he preferrs legs of breasts. Paddy says that he preferrs a nice shaved P>ssy. Sioban replies " Thats not on offer in KFC"

paddy was arested to day for an assault on an African checkout girl in B&Q........ his only defence was that murphy had told him to get a.......... black and decker

Paddy gets home late one night and his wife says "Where in hell Have you
been?"
Paddy replies, "I was out getting a tattoo"


"A tattoo" she frowned, "What kind did you get?"


"I got a £50 note tattooed on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking" she said shaking her head in disdain, "Why on earth would
anybody get a £50 note tattooed on his privates?"


"Well for
1...I like to watch my money grow
2..Once in a while I like to play with my money
3...I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out wasting money on
shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want!

An American tourist asks Paddy, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Paddy replies, "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f--king boat." 
 
 
...

paddy was leaning up the bar drunk trying to work out why he had only got 3 brothers when his sister had 4

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions, e.g. fear, etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on
his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

And the guy says," I'm green with NV.".

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped
around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host
opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Murphy, standing sta
rk
naked one with his k-ob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his d--k
stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the heck are you doing? You
could get arrested standing out there in the street like that. Anyhow, what
emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim f--kin discustard, and Murphy here has just come in
dispair."
 
 
 

I was talking to a girl down the pub the other night (Christ, don't tell Mrs.K she'll go mental, well more mental than she already is ;D)
 I said to her "You remind me of my little toe"
 "Do I" she replied "Is it because I'm small and cute"  
"No" Says I " it's coz I'll probably end banging you on the coffee table"


Billy comes downstairs after watching TV in his room. He ask's his dad "What's love jiuce?"
His dad was horrified but pulled himself together, decided that this was 'the time' and told him all about sex and why a vagina gets wet. When he's finished he asks Billy what he had been watching on the tv.
"Wimbledon" says Billy

A bloke is having a fancy dress party there's a knock on the door. He opens the door to see a bloke in a brown body stocking with a girl on his back.
"What have you come as?" He asks, "I've come as a snail" says the bloke. "What's that on your back? " Oh, that's meshell"

(http://i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff441/TLSADE/cid_4127EA1F88B5452EB14B896A890BF6CADAD.jpg)

mary says to murphy,''how many women have ya slept wid murph?''

murphy answers proudly, ''only yous darlin'........all da udders was awake!''

(http://i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff441/TLSADE/ATT1719952.jpg)

(http://i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff441/TLSADE/ATT18200.jpg)

the Irish government took delivery today of 100 septic tank,s........ an irish spokesman said they plan to make an invasion of the UK main land once the have learned how to drive them

Murphy said to paddy "how come men fart more than women" paddy replied i tink its because they cant  shut up long enough to build any pressure up

how many irish does take to make a choc chip cookie?  .......................................................
..........13
one to make the dough twelve to peel the smarties

paddy,s wife was in the bath with 4 year old paddy junior,.....junior said to mum pointing at her patch whats that mum,.....thinking fast mum said "thats me sponge junior",....."oh yes" replied junior "the baby sitter has one just the same"...... "how do you know that" said mum....... junior replied "iv seen her washing dads face with it".

paddy had not been home foe three days, so his wife reported him missing, a few day later the police turn up at Paddy's door the officer say,s to paddy,s wife "I'm afraid we have found your husband body floating in the river", Paddy's wife replies "no it cant be him paddy couldn't swim"

I wish I could remember these as so many of them are laugh out loud jokes. Loved the tree air freshener story. Keep them coming.
 ;D

thank you JayJay,glad you are enjoying them. :)

paddy went in to a petrol station today and asked for five pounds worth of gas,.....the cashier farted then gave  him a receipt.

A recent survey in England asked the following question:

'Are there too many foreigners in this country now?'

Answers:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% : معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

the correct insurance companies of sex...........

Sex with your wife.........Legal and General
Sex with your future wife........Mutual Trust
Sex with your secretary.......... Employers Liability
Sex with a prostitute........... Commercial Union
Sex on the telephone.......Direct Line
Sex with your biographer....Quote Me Happy
Sex in a hurry............Insure and Go
Sex with your boyfriend..... Standard Life
Sex with a transvestite.......... Confused.com
Sex with someone different......Go compare.com

It was announced to day by a spokesman for the new Irish Anglo American space program, that indeed the Irish scientist paddy Mac,Murphy had  wrongly calculated the fuel needed to to get the first joint Irish American rocket lunch to it,s destination.......... when it clearly fell short by a few hundred thousand miles           http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtevGuxAaiY

paddy was in the pub sitting on a stool at the bar as pi-sed as a fart,.... when a woman walked in the pub with a chiwawa on a lead she stood next to paddy waitting to be served when paddy spewed up all over the dog,......... he looked down at the dog then said to the woman, "now theres a thing i don't remember eating that".

paddy was flying over Iraq to day when two flying carpets mounted with machine guns pulled a long side his jet fighter, paddy managed to shoot down both carpets,but was reprimanded on his return to base when it was discoverd they had both been allied carpets.

paddy say,s to Murphy "iv just started sh-gging me girlfriends twin", Murphy say "well how do you tell them apart", paddy replies "her brothers got a  moustache"

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" Now you can handle the situation.

Jack was the only son of Awe Schitt and Owe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married Owe Schitt, the proprietor of Kneedeep N. Schitt Inc.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple had six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents will, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock and, because her children were still living with them she kept her previous name. She was then known as NoeSchitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The local newspapers duly announced the Schitt-Happens weddings. The Schitt-Happens children were named Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new wife, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says,"You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them because you know his whole family and life story!

hahahahahaha

paddy says to murphy "im sure beer containes female hormones", "what makes you think that" says murphy,....."becuse after iv had 8 pints i start talking sh-t and i cant drive", replies paddy

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he
knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you
mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

no replied the blond just up to my tits thanks, i can slash it on my eyes and face

paddy the farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fa-ny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.

After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the tw-ting field were you before you realised it was caught"

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.


The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's Health Care Proposals.


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.


Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.


Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.


The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.


The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.


The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.


The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "No!"


In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the Arseholes in London.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....


"Didn't feel a thing

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care... one has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma 
 
 

paddy phones 999. ' oiv found a bomb that looks loik a sandwich, its got woires sticking out'. Operater says ' is it tickin?' paddy says ' no i tink its beef'

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'

Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'

'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'

'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: 'MOUNT & DO'.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

A British Army patrol captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice.

The sergeant leading the patrol tells him to roll the dice and tells him "If you get a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 your head comes off"

The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6?"

The sergeant says "You get another go."

Paddy and Murphy doing a crossword."I'm stuck on 2 down Murph. A Flightless bird from iceland(6,7)Murph replies" you thick tw-t thats easy....frozen chicken!!"

I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.

The council told me there was no chance.



So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.


Apparently Building work starts on Monday

AL QAEDA ON STRIKE

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs < or B.O.O.M. > responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokesmen for the union in the North East of England, Liverpool, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

The Scottish Al Qaeda spokesman said they had not had any volunteers since the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Scottish Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not at all keen on going to paradise.

Sunday morning sex:

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear, replied granny. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued ~

Hed still be alive if the ice cream van hadnt come along.

paddy and murphy went to donate at the sperm bank in london............ it was a disaster......... paddy missed the tube and murphy came on the bus

The first gas hybrid motorcycle

Paddy goes to Doctor with terrible Constapation..Dr says to Paddy..Paddy go home and put these up yur 'Back Passage'and come back and see me in a week...Paddy goes back to Dr a week later, Dr says..Well Paddy how'jay get on? Paddy replied..Well Doctor' I went home and remembered I dont have a 'Back Passage' so I stuck them through my 'Letter Box' and I may as well have shoved them 'up me Arse' for all the good they did me

paddy and seamus, come across a girl whose bike has a flat wheel. seamus leaves paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later paddy passes seamus on the girls bike. "What the feck happened"? asks seamus. "well i fixed her bike an b jaysus she takes her feckin knickers off, lays on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! I took her bike." "good on ye says seamus, sure the feckin knickers wouldnt fit you anyway"

Elton John

Went to a tattooist and said 'I want a tattoo of A Rolls Royce on my di-ck.

The tattooist replied, 'Why not make it a Land Rover, the s-it it has to go through'?

 Letter to Paddy
Dearest Patrick

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four
days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Seamus said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck. Mick was driving. He rolled down the window and swam
to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
out of the normal has happened.
your ma

 Al Gebra Terrorist Threat
Al-gebra movement

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Bin laden sent George Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive.
370HSSV - 0773H

Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI, CIA and NSA can't decipher it. They ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 reply telling the president that he is holding the message upside down. ......................... you may need to stand on your head to read this or turn the computer upside down

Paddy and Murphy are making letter bombs. Paddy says "murphy, do you think i've put enough explosives in the envelope?"
"dont know" says Murphy "open it and see..."
"but it'll explode!" says Paddy, to which Murphy replies
"don't be daft Paddy, it's not addressed to you!!!"

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Paddy and Murphy are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past, and they explain their problem to him. He says, "that's simple fellas, watch this". He then unbolts the pole, lies it flat on the ground, and measures it. Paddy looks to Murphy and says "thick idiot!!, we wanted the height not the length

Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm so glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief... Everybody keeps blaming me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

;D ;D ;D

did you like that one jayjay, its the way i tell um  ;D

Murphy was doing some brickwork on the fireplace in Mr. Cabot's expensive home. He was much impressed by the moosehead over the fireplace. "'Tis a beautiful animal, Mr. Cabot, bigger even than the great Irish Deer, Oi'm thinkin'." "Yes," said Mr. Cabot, "that moose was a fighter among moose. I tracked him for over two days and when I finally shot him it took six men to load him in the jeep." Shaking his reddish curls in admiration, Murphy said, "Truly, 'tis a great hunter you are, Sir, and a great animal that is. Do you mind if Oi go into the next room and see the rest of him

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"

An Irishman went into a post office to see if there were any letters for him. "I'll see, sir," said the clerk. "What is your name?" "You're having me on now because I'm Irish," said the Irishman. "Won't you see the name on the envelope?"

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would like to lead the discussion on what constituted a “ tragedy”.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:

"If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

  Royalty
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle,
she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her
sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla
retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince
Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped
on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are
killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour,
but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody
tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to
the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy.
Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Paddy and Murphy bombed the s**te out of the Canary Islands today in an attempt to eradicate  bird flu

A guy walked into a irish chemist and asked for a pack of annaddin.

As he left paddy the chemist ran after him and said

'Sorry sir but I have sold you Arsenic by mistake'.

'Is there any difference' asked the guy

Yes thats another one pound twenty please replied the paddy

  Time and Motion
The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the
spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Anderson
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of
analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
dropped per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per
shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that all the waiters had a string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"

"Oh, certainly." Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is as
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we
can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you
know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the
need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom
by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon"!!!

Sat down for tea, the doorbell rang I went to the door and it was some one selling windows, told him to bugger off and he went. Sat down again the doorbell rang again, it was the JW's, told them to bugger off, surprisingly they went too. Sat down for the third time and the doorbell rang again, now I'm getting really fed up and my tea's going cold, went to the door and it wa a woman from the local sperm bank, well I gave her a mouthfull.

the bin man knocks on a door and has a 2 or 3 minute wait until a japanese man answers the bin man says "wheres your bin mate" japanese man replies "i bin pee-pee" "no mate your bin wheres your bin" replies the bin man "i told you i been pee-pee" says the japanese man getting a little p1$$ed off the bin man says "last time im asking wheres your bin" japanese man replies "ok i really bin w@nk" 

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with di-ks a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says. "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

 Two Brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet. After a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER

Baptising a drunk!

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, then pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the man in water
again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

paddy sees murphy sat in a rowing boat in the middle of a field and shouts"murphy what you doing in that boat". murphey replies "im going for a little row" paddy says "you idiot its people like you that give the irish a bad name and if i could swim id come over there punch you in the mouth"

that ones already hear wayne, its geting hard to find new ones now but keep them coming, im having to scrape the bottom of the barrel now to find any that make me smile  ;)

KEEP IT UP, zak..  :D :D :D i ts the only fun i,m gettin at the mo   things are a wee bit rough here ,,been in constant pain :'( :'(  of differant levels for over three weeks :o :o  flamin  docs are sh1te  --or just using me as a guinea pig  ??? ???

ok you guys seem to be knocking ethnic minorities on this thread ,so ever the champion of the underdog I thinks it's about time you realised that you/we are not so superior just take alook at what a village in north norfolk as to offer

I suppose this one aplies to us all in many ways

that reminds me of the pub/hotel in ashbourne derbyshire     the green man & blacks head     i think its still there with the same name

well i hope things start and inprove for you soon my frend,its no joke when your in pain and the doc cant sort it out for you.all the best zak

What do you call a French/Muslim suicide bomber in a carpet warehouse?

Linoleum Blownapart

Cannibal walking through the jungle comes across his best mate crying his eyes out over a huge pile of sh-t.

'What's up he asked?'

'Just dumped my girl friend' his mate replied.

THE HORSE RACE
The Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows,
Thighs weakens,
Heavy Bosom pulls up,
and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and
buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want
to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with
grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father and the mother, and the man tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life".

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account.

If it's twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You sh-g her again."

There's a road in Exeter called Blackboy road. Don't know where the name came from though.

(You can google it just in case you don't believe me :-*)

The binman knocked on the door of a house and asked the owner, who was coloured "Where's yer bin' "I'se bin in the garden" was the reply. The binman said " No,...where's yer bin" "I told you man, i'se bin in the garden" The binman was getting more and more frustrated so he did what all good brits do when trying to make foreigners understand them he raised his voice and said " Where's yer wheelie bin" "Ok, ok, I'se wheelie bin upstairs having a w*nk"

hadn't heard these three before,...but did get a call off Stevie wonder about them who said he just could not see the funny side,.... would like to point out i do apologies if i have offended any ethnic group........ by not giving you a mention in the thread so far, but will try my best to get round to all ethnic groups at some point,
i do so hate to be showing favoritism.

"Yes brother," says Paddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew

One of the kids that I teach was excluded from school today for wantonly assaulting other kids in class with a calculator, pencil, pair of compasses, and a ruler.
He was excluded for having weapons of maths disruption.

i got suspended from school when i was9yrs old

for assaulting the geography teacher :o :o


i threw the atlas at him ::) ::)

well he told me that i had to memorise and receit every place name in the index :P :P


he was called mr ,hardy,,  so i chucked summat hard at him

 I offten wander how other ethnic group es tell there jokes, and on looking on some of the big joke forums i came across an asian guy called Mr G Ravishankar who is a reguler on one of the joke forums when reading his jokes i get the feeling he is a big fan of Frank carson, so the next few jokes in the thread are by MR Ravishankar........ this is exactly word for word how he wrote them  ;D                              

BY MR RAViSHANKAR..... A small fella goes into a staff. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog s-it straight within the door, and he slides in it and falls more arsewards. He rises, cleans themselves above and goes to the staff and buys a beverage. A large large man enters then the staff. It slides in the same pile of s-it, falls, rises, cleans above and buys a beverage. The small chap turns a discussion, which says points to the pile of the sh-t by the door and, to the large chap and, trying to the impact up "I did that." The large chap punches it in the opening.

That one was a cracker. More next time my joke friends!

BY MR RAViSHANKAR........An nice girl-lady of the Essex gets in the very nasty mangle with the car. The driving man of the illness lorry is asks 'Where is that you bleeding from?'. The nice girl-lady of the Essex replies 'Bleeding Romford please my very good buddy-man!"

That one was the cracker. More next time, funny fans.

BY MR RAVISHANKAR.......  the very good cracker this one
Hello funny joke chums this is the latest of the funniest joke.

A man of the Pakistani walk into the frying fish chippery house, and he say of the chippery person "please sir how are you cooking of chips in here please?".

The chippery man replys of "infatuation, ba-tard".

The nice pakistani man is not getting the understand of this, as he say that he is not being in love and his parents were of marriage at his born.


Ha! Ha! That was one was the cracker! More next time.

BY MR RAVISHAKAR..... Hello everybody my joking lover friendly people.

My naming G Ravishankar and I am here for the tickle of your joking buds with the funny ha-ha!

This one is the brilliant cracker and has the laughing all up and down of the aisles. Hee hee!

A male boy goes up to a nice ladygirl in a beer room and is says, "You are want to play the game 'Magic'?"

The very nice ladygirl in the beer room saying back, "What would this be?"

The very pleasing male boy saying back, "We would go to my house and do of the f**k very nicely, and then when we are over you are disappear."

Ho ho punster fans, it is the way I am telling them. More next time.

I think its definitely the way he tells um

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, & Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first & came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"


Tom Thumb went next & emerged triumphant,

"I am officially the smallest person in the world."


Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused & simply stated,

"Who the f-- k is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

whats the diffrence in a 69 and driving in fog.........you cant see the ars--hole in front driving in fog

A destitue young woman decides to run away to America to seek her fortune, and heads for the docks.

She quickly realises that that her plan was not particularly well thought out... she can't afford passage on a ship, and she is not qualified to get a job on one. Dejected, she returns home to London and prepares to throw herself from a bridge into the Thames.

A young man sees her and pulls her back just as she is about to jump.

"What on Earth are you doing? Why does a lovely young girl like you want to kill herself?" He asks.

"I have nothing to live for. I come from a poor family, I have no education, no job, no prospects at all. I wanted to go to America to seek my fortune, but I can't get there. I hate my life and I want to end it."
The girl bursts into tears and the young man is quite moved by her plight.

"I think I can help you" he says. "I am a sailor, and I think I can sneak you aboard my ship and hide you in one of the lifeboats. I'll bring you food and drink every day, and keep you company at night."

"What do you mean, keep me company?" she asks, suspiciously.

"Well, it is an all male crew, it's a long voyage and I do have my needs. You do me a favour and I'll do you a favour."

Not seeing that she has a choice, the girl agrees, and later that night, the sailor takes her onto the ship and hides her in a lifeboat. Every day, he brings her food and drink, and every night she sees to his physical needs.

All goes well for a fortnight or so until one day, the captain discovers the girl during a random inspection.

"What are you doing in there?" he asks?

"I want to get to America to seek my fortune, and one of your crewmen helped me to stow away on this ship. He gave me some of his bedding and every day he brings me food and drink."

"Well, that was very nice of him" says the captain. "So what's in it for him?"

"Ah, well" she says, her face reddening with embarassment, "He's been screwing me."

"He certainly has, love" the captain replies, "This is the Woolwich Ferry!"

That brings back some very happy memories........................the woolwich ferry, not screwin` a girl on it.......................though now I come to think of it!!!!!!!!! ;) ;) ;) ;)

LOL

How long were you in the lifeboat Cabby?? :) :)

He "promised" me I`d see a whole new side to life!!!!!!!!!!!! Bloody seamen, can`t trust `em  ;D ;D ;D ;D

paddy,s wife said to paddy "if you ever come back hear drunk again im leaving you",....... later paddy steps out the pub and is sick all over him self,....he says to murphy "if i go home like this the wife is going to leave me"..... murphy says "put this twenty pound note in your inside jacket pocket and tell her some one else was sick over you then take the twenty pound note out and say he gave you this to pay for the jacket to be dry cleaned",.......when paddy gets home, his wife say,s "so been drinking again have you"..... "no said paddy some bloke was sick all over me",...... "look" he said pulling two twenty pound notes from the inside pocket of the jacket "he gave me this twenty pound note to pay for the jacket to be dry cleaned",... his wife says "so whats the other twenty pound note for then,.... paddy say,s...... "that was from another bloke who shat in me pants"  

An ode of English Plural

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

David Cameron has decided to get ultra tough with benefit scroungers. From today, all forms will be printed in English only!

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Should the UK adopt The Euro?


A cross-section survey of 1000 people in Bradford, made up of
Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians,
Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro

So it was you in the lifeboat, what a rude awakening for me Ahem, my friend :-[

 Pakistani officials are in shock after examining a collection of pornography allegedly owned by the late Osama Bin Laden, with some traumatised investigators saying that the stash contained “thousands of pictures of women’s naughty bits, such as eyes and ankles”, while many of the most depraved images are alleged to show women reading books and driving cars.

According to 2nd Lt Fishy Bob Junior Jnr of the assault group that stormed Osama’s compound, Navy Seals had assumed that a large stash of magazines and photos found under Bin Laden’s bed had been favourite knitting patterns cut out of ‘Burqa Weekly’ and ‘Home and Martyr’.

However, he said, Pakistani authorities had “gone bat-s**t” after being handed the materials and discovering that they were “profoundly pornographic”.

Rear-Admiral Brigadier Air-Viscount Field Marshall Wasim Al-Waqjob of the Pakistan Defence Force confirmed that he had “experienced an involuntary voiding” of his bowels after taking custody of the images.

“It was the most horrific smut I’ve ever seen,” he said. “There were ankle-shots, posed and candid, the whole hideous quasi-limb flagrantly poking out from under the burqa.

“There was full-frontal, mostly wrists, noses and earlobes, fairly mainstream smut if you’re into that kind of filth.”

But, he said, a locked suitcase had contained images of “almost unimaginable vileness”.

“There were photographs of women reading books,” he recalled with a shudder. “And opening their own bank accounts.”

He said a third photo-album had consisted entirely of “auto-erotica” – images of women driving cars.

Meanwhile, Pakistani picture analysts have spoken of the difficulties in sorting and processing the found materials.

According to team leaders, Sheza Goa and Butnekkid Laydi, the analysts have each been assigned fragments of pictures to prevent accidental exposure to moral decay.

However, one mysterious image has so far proved largely impenetrable.

“We identified what seemed to be the uncovered face of a woman near the top of the page and bare feet near bottom, so obviously we performed Pre-Emptive Moral Vaccination on these by shredding them and distributing the shreds to colleagues,” explained Goa.

“But the stuff between the face and the feet has us totally stumped.”

He said that there was a “strange expanse of pinky-brownishness with two side-by-side lumps sort of in the middle, and a little patch of hair a bit lower down”.

“It’s almost like a man with two horrible swelling on his chest and no penis,” said Laydi. “Short of it being a photograph of a victim of some nuclear disaster, we just don’t know what we’re looking at.”

According to Laydi, one analyst had “had a hunch” that the picture might involve “some horrific female abomination”, but initial questioning of women had proved “bloody”.

“Asking a woman a question kind of results in her speaking to you, which obviously means you need to defend her virtue and honour by stoning her to death in the break room,” explained Laydi.

“It’s tricky, and progress is slow,” he added wistfully.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant....

So politicalry incorrect ,so against the wave of public opinion ,so I agree with klogan
I used to drive a taxi in yorkshire and the three most repeated phrases were
1 HOW MUCH
2Take me (pause ) home ,bet you've never heard that one before
3 I'm not racist but.......

paddy took steps today to sue his local baker,........for forging his signature on a hot cross bun

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it’s upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, “Why are yer throwing them away?”
“Because they’re upside down,” says Paddy.�
“Yer daft prat,” replies Murphy, “save ‘em for the ceiling!!”

Murphy,s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,”Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

The police came to paddy,s front door last night holding a picture of his wife.
They said, “Is this your wife, sir?”
Shocked, he answered, ” Yes.”
They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
he said, “I  know, but she has a lovely personality.”

 Kearney and O'Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.  Kearney remarks to O'Riordan, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

O'Riordan replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.  And look at the price.'

Kearney says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.  At this price, I'm buying one.'

O'Riordan, smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea.  Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O'Rordan, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?'

O'Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now.  She sent all her clothes yesterday.'

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.'

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!' The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma' am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

Great fishing spot
The Maguire twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.

'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'

'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.

'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'

Ice skate judges
The Olympic skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again.

Up went the marks of the judges.

Great Britain 0.0

Germany 0.0

France 0.0

Ireland 3.4

'Why the score of 3.4?' asked the other officials.

'Well,' said Judge Murphy, 'You've gotto make allowances. I mean it was terrible slippy out there!'

Bank problems
It was the great depression and the world's economies were in a state of shambles. Outside the small, independent Kerry Bank the crowd were gathering, all anxious about their finances.

Tell us the facts,' shouted Jim Hanagan. 'Remember, I was one of the first people to deposit money with you!'

'Indeed you were,' said Banker Kennedy. 'And because of that you are what we call a preferential creditor.'

'A preferential creditor!' shouted Hanagan, louder than before. 'What does that mean?'

'Well,' said Kennedy. 'It means that you will be the first to know there's nothing to come!'

 
Fill my flask
'Can you fill my flask with tea please?' asked Casey of the cafe owner.

'Certainly sir,' was the reply.

'Good,' said the Irishman. 'In that case I'll have five cups, two without sugar and three with!!
 
 Caught poaching
'Caught you!' said Policeman Muldoon. 'Poaching in the river me boy is a serious offence. I must ask you to accompany me to the station.'

Halfway out of the wood Murphy the poacher pulled up in his tracks.

'Bedad,' said he, 'haven't I left me jacket by the water's edge. I'll have to go back and get it!'

'No way,' said Muldoon. 'If I let you go back you'll run off. I've got a better idea. You wait here and I'll go back for the coat!'

All that water
The Clancy twins stared out across the ocean and Eamonn said:

'Look at all that water.'

'Yes,' said Pat. 'And that's only the top!'

Can you spare 50p
In Mulligan's bar, the young Salvation Army girl placed the collection box under the nose of Mick McCarthy and asked:

'Can you spare fifty pence for God?'

'How old are you?' asked Mick.

Twenty-four,' she replied.

'Well, I'm sixty-eight, I'll see him before you do. I'll pay him meself

 
Fish & Chips
'I'll have fish and chips twice,' said Murphy.

'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'

'Then they'd better be wide,' said Murphy.

 
 
Horse raffle
The Casey twins had stumbled across a dead horse.

'What shall we do with it?' asked Michael.

'Let's raffle it,' said Joseph. '£2 a ticket, limited sale of 200 tickets.'

'But what happens when the winner finds out it's dead?' reasoned Michael.

'Sure, we'll give him his money back!' was the reply.

 
 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all grew up in The Gaeltacht and never learned to speak English. One day they went to Dublin and The Englishman heard a man saying, 'We three,' so he went around all day saying, 'We three'. The Scotsman heard a man saying 'For The want of money', so he went around all day saying, 'For The want of money'. The Irishman heard a man saying 'We well deserve it', so he went around all day saying, 'We well deserve it'.
That evening as they were making their way home they came across a dead man lying on The ground. A policeman came up to them and said 'Who killed this man?'
'We three,' said The Englishman.
'Why did you do it?' asked The policeman.
'For The want of money,' said The Scotsman.
'You'll all go to jail,' said The policeman.
'We well deserve it,' said The Irishman.


Building Trade

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a job on a building site but The foreman was not anxious to employ them.
'Lift this two-ton boulder,' he said to The Englishman. The Englishman couldn't so he didn't get The job.
'Empty this thousand gallon tank with a teaspoon,' he said to The Scotsman. The Scotsman couldn't, so he didn't get The job either.
'Wheel a barrow of smoke across The site for me,' he said to The Irishman.
'Certainly,' said The Irishman, 'just fill it up for me.'

Cuckoo

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking an intelligence test. They were all asked The question: "Which bird does not build its own nest?'
'It's The canary,' said The Englishman. 'He lives in a cage.'
'It's The parrot,' said The Scotsman. 'He lives in The zoo.'
'It's The cuckoo,' said The Irishman.
'Very good,' said The examiner, 'how did you know that?'
'Everybody knows The cuckoo lives in a clock,' said The Irishman.

Dinner With The Bishop

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were invited to have dinner with a bishop. They were told that The bishop was very formal and that everything said at The meal had to be chanted in rhyming verse.
The Englishman went: 'Your honour divine Will you pass me The wine?'
The Scotsman went: 'Your honour supreme Will you pass me The cream?'
The Irishman went: You baldy headed bugger Will you pass me The sugar?

Examination To Become A Mayoman

Lest it be suggested that I am unable to joke about my native county (of which I am inordinately proud, God help us) let me present you with the examination which outsiders must first pass before they can become honorary Mayomen.

PART I (WRITTEN)

INSTRUCTIONS TO CANDIDATES

(a) Do not attempt to answer more than one question at a time.

(b) Do not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at the same time.

(c) On no account attempt Question 3.

(d) Slide Rules O.K.

N.B. Candidates caught cheating will be given extra marks for

initiative. All candidates are requested to use separate answer books.

Time Allowed : 6 weeks

1. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?

2. Explain in one sentence Einstein's Theory of Relativity OR write your name in block capitals.

3. What is the number of this question?

4. Name the odd man out: The Chief Rabbi, The Pope, Jack the Ripper, The Archbishop of Canterbury.

5. At the Irish Sheepdog Trials of 1972, how many sheepdogs were found guilty?

6. At what time is the nine o'clock news broadcast?

7. Spell each of the following words: DOG, CAT, PIG.

8. Write a tongue twister three times quickly.

9. There have been six kings of England named George. The latest was George the Sixth - name the other five.

10. Quote four lines from any poem written in the English language or from any other poem written in the English language.

N.B. This is the honours paper - there is a special pass version for Kerrymen.

PART II (PRACTICAL)
Leave the examination hall and persuade the first passer-by you meet to accompany you through life, using irony where necessary.

Ok zak if you are brave enough to take the lash outta your homeland heres my bit for yorkshire (gods back garden )
Yorkie : na then arlass am oft t'pub thad better get thee coat
Yorkress : Why ista takin us wi thee
Yorkie : no as turning ating off


what do you call a pork pie after 7.30 in a bradford pub ....Summat t'ate
unless of cause you follow the pc way of thought then its an affront to the muslim community because it offends there religion

A lorry driver who was spotted frantically chiselling away at the brickwork after his lorry got stuck while passing through a tunnel ?

"Why don't you let the air in your tyres down a little?" asked a friendly passer by.

"no good love its the roof that wont go under not the wheels"

One Tony Capstick used to tell. A man had a wife who was a devout Christian and went to Church twice every Sunday, did good works around the parish etc. Eventually the wife died, and her husband had a headstone erected on her grave. He told the stonemason that to show her devotion, he would like the words "She was thine, Lord" on the stone. When it was completed he went to see it, and found it said "She was thin, Lord". So he rang the mason, and said 'You've got it wrong, you missed off the E" Next day the mason rang and said he'd corrected it, so the husband went to look, and it now said "Ee she was thin Lord".

HRH Prince Charles came on a visit to Sheffield and wore a fox fur hat. When askd why he said it was his brother's idea. Apparently he said to Edward he was going to Sheffield and Edward said "wear the fox hat".

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore ars-hole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

A kid from Yorkshire starts school and his dad gives him 2 quid for the bus home. Instead of getting on the bus the kids runs behind it all the way home. Dad comes home from the pub and the kid says, dad I saved you 2 quid today because I ran behind the bus instead of getting on. The dad slaps the kid on the arse three times and sends him to bed without supper saying, you should have run behind a taxi and saved me 40 quid you little...

Two lads fra Barnsley were playing golf, one said to t'other "Nice tee shot"

And the other said...."Ay, I gorrit from market for a quid"

If you can laff at your self kev,.... you will never be offended,every joke out there is at some ones expense.                                                           zakboy buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, i notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells me that i should try artificial insemination.

i dont't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display my ignorance,i asks the vet how i will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells me that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
i hangs up and gives it some thought. i came to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means i have to impregnate the sheep myself.
So, i loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods,and rodger  them all, brings them back, and go to bed.

Next morning, i woke and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, i deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

i drives them out to the woods, rodger,s each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, i woke to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" i tells myself, and proceeds to load them up again,
does my thing,and drive home, and fell listlessly into bed.

The next morning, i cannot even raise myself from the bed to look
out of the window. i asks the wife to look, and tell me if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."

 :) :) :) :) :)

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were discussing how and at what age they would like to die. 'I'd like to die at The age of eighty,' said The Englishman, 'from an overdose of Yorkshire pudding.'
'I'd like to die at The age of ninety,' said The Scotsman, 'drowned in a vat of Scotch whisky.'
'I'd like to die at The age of a hundred,' said The Irishman, 'shot by a jealous husband.'

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening.
'Will you lend me £10?' The Scotsman shouted to The Irishman.
'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said The Irishman, 'I can't hear a word you're saying with all The noise in here.'
'Will you lend me £10?' screamed The Scotsman at The top of his voice.
'It's no use,' said The Irishman, 'I still cannot hear a word you're saying.'
'Look,' said The Englishman,' standing beside them, 'I can hear him quite clearly.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "you lend him The£10.'

 


I Owe You

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were accosted by a mugger. The Englishman handed over his money but The Irishman said to The Scotsman 'here's that £100 I owe you'.

 
 Injury Compensation

The Englishman and The Scotsman were playing golf together when The Englishman's ball hit The Irishman. When The Irishman came to, he said to The Englishman, That will cost you five thousand pounds in compensation.'
'But I said fore,' said The Englishman. I'll take it,' said The Irishman.

Last Wish

A very rich man died and left all his money to An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman on condition that as he was being buried each of them would put £1,000 into his coffin in case he needed some money in The next world.
'Goodbye dear friend,' said The Englishman as he put £1,000 in notes into The coffin.
'Goodbye generous friend,' said The Scotsman as he put £1,000 in notes in too.
'So long, sucker,' said The Irishman as he took out The£2,000 and put in a cheque for £3,000.

Had these sent to me  ...

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk"husband says "thats not true...... sometimes I want a kebab"

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*cking place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!


Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"


  ..  Hagar  ..   ;D

wow hagar you just about insulted every one in that little lot
apart from the libiyans and aussies
can anyone improve on that

good man hagar. ;D ;D ;D

Duck hunting
'I'm not sure about this duck hunting,' said Murphy. 'We've been here six hours and we still haven't caught one.'

'Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough,' suggested Casey.

The same pair, some weeks later, had been told the error of their ways and returned fully equipped with shotguns, binoculars - in fact the whole shebang.

As they lay in the reeds giving blasts on the decoy duck quackers, they suddenly spotted an object in the sky above. It was a Japanese tourist taking advantage of the windy conditions to do a little hang-gliding.

Both Irishmen opened fire simultaneously, riddling the sails with shot, causing the whole contraption to fall to earth, the passenger falling free and disappearing into the river.

'Did we kill that bird?' asked Murphy.

'I don't know,' said Casey. 'But at least we got it to drop the poor Jap

Rocket to the sun
'You know that the Americans and Russians have sent rockets to the Moon and Mars?' said Professor Muldoon. 'Well, I'm designing a rocket to go all the way to the Sun.'

'Surely the heat would be too strong,' mused O'Connor, 'and the rocket would melt?'

'No, no,' assured Muldoon, I'll be sending it at night!'

Starting a zoo
Murphy decided to find an interesting hobby. Animals appealed to him so he wrote to the local pet store.

'Dear sir,

I'm starting my own zoo and would like you to send me two mongooses ...'

He looked at the spelling and thought, 'That's not right'. So he wrote: 'Send me two mongi'. That looked even worse. '... send me two mongeese.' No, that was worse still. In the end, though, sanity prevailed and he wrote:

Dear sir,

I'm starting my own zoo. Could you please send me a mongoose.

PS. And could you send me another one?

Murphy couldn't resist the offer in his local paper. 'World cruise-£200 all in.'

Full of beans, he paid his fare and boarded the liner. On deck he showed his ticket and was immediately chained to an oar, along with hundreds of others. Suddenly a huge black man appeared and began banging a drum. At the same time six sturdy sailors walked amongst the oars beating people with bullwhips until they pulled their weight.

'This is a disgrace,' said Murphy, wincing with pain and exertion.

'This is the twentieth century, and slavery has been abolished. When I get home I'll complain to the United Nations. I can't believe it. And what about that fellow on the big drum?'

'Well,' said Rafferty, 'he's not as good as the bloke we had last year!'

How much is the fare?
'How much is the bus fare to Dalkey?' asked Cassidy.

'Sixty pence,' said the driver.

I've only fifty,' said Cassidy. I'll run after the bus for a bit.'

Having sprinted two stops, Cassidy breathlessly asked, 'How much is it now?'

'Seventy-five pence,' said the driver. 'You're running the wrong way.'

Expensive dinner
Burke had taken his wife to the plushest restaurant to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They'd actually eaten very little but the bill came to a staggering £200.

'Why so much?' spluttered Burke. 'We only had the main course and two glasses of wine.'

'Ah. Yes, sir,' said the smart-alec waiter. 'But there were other things, nuts, apples, crisps, bread, butter.'

'But we never touched them,' protested Burke.

'No, but they were there if you'd wanted to,' sneered the waiter.

'All right,' said Burke. 'It's £200 less £195 for making advances to my wife.'

'But I never laid a finger on her!' said the waiter.

'No,' said Burke. 'But she was there if you'd wanted to!'

YORKSHIRE AIRLINES http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQR_s4yz3d8

David Beckham decides to go horse riding, although he has no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria watches admiringly. After a while David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics, grabs the horse round its neck and calls for it to stop.

Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help. David slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse's neck.

David decides his best chance is to leap away but a foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. David's head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness, Victoria is frantic and screaming!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the electric Rocking Hors

Official EU Language
Wouldn't surprise me one bit.


The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will become the official language of the EU rather than German, which was also considered as a possibility.

As part of the negotiations the New Labour Government has conceded that some English spelling has room for improvement and they have accepted a 5 year plan to phase in the new ''Euro-English'' as it will be known.

In year 1 ''S'' will replace the soft ''C''. Sertainly, this will make the Sivil Sevants jump for joy. The hard ''C'' will also be dropped in favour of the ''K''. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome''PH'' will be replaced with the ''F''. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ''E'' in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ''TH'' with ''Z'' and ''W'' with ''V''

Durind the fifz yar, ze unesesary''O'' kan be dropd from vords kontaining ''OU'' and similar changs vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!!

A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is
between potential and reality. Can you help me?" "Well son, I won't give you the answer but I'll help you out. Go ask your mum if she'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the
kitchen.


"Hey mum... would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" His mum looks around to make sure her husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I
would." He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters room. Once he gets there, he bangs on the door and asks her
the same question.


"Oh my god... YES YES YES... blah blah blah..." she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brothers
room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing. "For a million bucks? What the hell, sure." he answers. The kid stares at his brother
and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click...


"Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality."


"What did you learn son?"


"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts and a fag

"Wanted: A tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested ?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

Still interested? Call me at......

Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green green, green green, and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.

Very clever - who thinks these things up?
JJ  ;D

i offten wander this my self JJ,...but my money is on it,s not paddy or Murphy  :D

Did you hear about the American siamese twins?

They came to England so the other one could drive

Franchise Opportunity

A friend of mine just started his own business - he manufactures
land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well - he says prophets are going through the roof.

paddy heard a knock on the door when he opened it there was a bloke standing there with a loaf of brown bread under his arm,paddy immediately slammed the door shut,Paddy's wife said to paddy "who was that at the door" paddy said.... "them bloody hovis Witnesses again"

.Mickey Ryan got a job with the council emptying dustbins.

'Tis great work,' said he. 'A hundred pounds a week and all you can eat! But what spoils it is the foreman. He has terrible bad breath.'

Mickey, however, soon became an expert in the art of refuse collecting until at his peak he could often be seen carrying a loaded dustbin on each shoulder and another equally full under each arm. He would stroll along whistling a merry tune.

'Gosh, you are an amazing fellow,' remarked a passer-by. 'How on earth do you do that?'

' Tis easy, sor,' said Ryan. 'You just push your lips forward and blow.'


                

'You've lost your rifle, Muldoon?' said the captain at Dunkirk.

'Yes, sir. In the retreat I jumped aboard a boat and the gun fell in the water!'

'Well, son, that was government property and you'll have to pay for it out of your wages.'

'What?' said Muldoon. 'Do you mean we've got to pay for any equipment we lose?'

'Of course,' said the captain. 'It's your responsibility after all.'

'And if I'd lost a tank, I'd have to pay?'

'You would.'

'My God,' muttered Muldoon. 'No wonder those captains go down with their ships!'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Mick Malone was a legend in the First World War. He was the most famous sniper in the history of warfare. The list of his victims was hundreds of names long, and yet his system was so simple. He'd worked out that ninety per cent of Germans were called Hans. So Mick would lie in no man's land, settle in a shell hole, set up the rifle and call:

'Hello, Hans, are you there?'

And a German head would rise up and shout 'Ja!'

Whereupon Malone would shoot him.

This worked very well for many months until he came across an equally smart German sniper. This man had worked out that over fifty per cent of Irishmen were called Mick, so he tried the same plan. There he lay, directly opposite Malone, and called out:

'Are you there, Mick?'

'Yes, is that you Hans?' said Malone without moving.

The German rose up and said, 'Ja!' and Mick shot him...

                                                                                                                                               In the Blitz
The two Kerrymen were wending their way home from the pub in London's East End. The Blitz was at its height with German bombers overhead every night.

"Tis a terrible time to be in London,' said Pat. 'With no defence against the terrible air raids.'

'Sure it was, until now,' said Mick. 'Now of course they've found the answer. That's it up in the sky -barrage balloons!'

Mick pointed to the massive inflated objects hovering over the city on guide wires.

'You see,' he explained, 'the German planes come over and bump into the balloons and are destroyed.'

'But surely,' argued Pat, 'when the planes hit them the balloons will burst.'

'Indeed not,' said Mick. 'You see, the balloons are full of concrete.'

   

been busy this morning zak ,can't sleep?

Iv always been an early riser Kev, all so bred parrots for many years for hand rearing when they first hatch out for the first seven days they have to be fed every two hours day and night so i have got use to doing with very little sleep but I'm lucky i don't need a lot of sleep but iv got in the habit of dropping off early in the evening and then i wake up very early,was peed off last night because i was waiting for some exhaust pipes on eBay they were up at 8.50 but i just dropped off before then them woke up after they had long gone.zak

One Liners

A Corkman rushed into a police station and told the sergeant that his car had just been stolen.
'Did you get a good look at the thief?' the sergeant asked. 'No', said the Corkman, 'but I got his number"

A little Cork village had just bought a new fire engine and the local councillors were wondering what should be done with the old one.
'I've got an idea', said one councillor, 'why not keep the old engine for false alarms?'

A Corkman set up a new photographic service but it didn't work out very well.
It was called 'Rent-a-Flash-Bulb'.

Have you heard about the Kerryman who sold a £10 parking ticket to a Corkman for £5?

A Corkman read about experiments showing that the tar and nicotine in cigarettes caused cancer in rats and mice. So he put all his cigarettes on the top shelf where the rats and mice couldn't get at them.

A Corkman went to America where he became a policeman. One night he had handed out a hundred and seventy-three parking tickets before he realised that it was a drive-in movie.

How do you recognise a Cork racing driver in a big race? He makes a hundred pit stops. Three for fuel, four for tyre changes, and ninety -three to ask for directions.

How do you recognise a Corkman well versed in etiquette
He doesn't blow his soup - he fans it with his cap

A Corkman arrived at the gates of Heaven and was asked by St Peter where he was from.
'Cork', he replied proudly.
'Get to Hell out of here', said St Peter, 'surely you don't expect us to make drisheen for one'.

Have you heard about the Corkman who went to a mind reader?
He got his money back.

One Liners

A new Institute for Advanced Mathematics has just been opened in Cork. Most popular courses are Fractions and Long Division.

Why has Australia got all the kangaroos and Cork got all the Corkmen?
Australia had the first choice.

Have you heard about the Cork grandmother who went on the pill?
She didn't want to have any more grandchildren.

Have you heard about the Corkman who thought that manual labour was a Spanish trade union official?

A Corkman once led from start to finish in the Olympic Marathon. However, he didn't get a medal because it was a false start.

Did you know that if a Corkman moves to Dublin he decreases the level of intelligence in both counties?

Have you heard about the Cork pilot who had an accident with his helicopter?
He thought it was a bit cold so he turned the fan off.

I've had just about enough', said a Corkman to his wife, 'the only solution is for your mother to leave and find a place of her own'
'My mother?' screamed his wife, 'I thought she was your mother'

Have you heard about the Cork explorer who paid £10 for a sheet of sandpaper?
He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

A Corkman bought a barometer and took it home but when he hung it up on the wall he found that it registered 'Hurricane'. So he took it back to the shop and complained, whereupon he was immediately given a replacement. When he arrived home he found that his house had been blown away.

A Corkman who was 4 foot 3 1/2 inches tall once offered his services to a well-known circus. He claimed he was the tallest dwarf in the world.


Have you heard about the Cork doctor who was treating a patient for jaundice for over three years? He suddenly found out the fellow was Chinese. Worse still, he cured him.

How can you recognise a superstitious Corkman?
He won't work during any week with a Friday in it.

A Corkman once wrote to the Guinness Book of Records and claimed that he should be included. He explained that at one stage he had been the youngest person in the world.

One Corkman owed another £5 for over a year so he finally decided to pay up.
'Do you know', said the second Corkman, 'I'd completely forgotten that I had lent you that money'.
'If only you'd told me that', said the first Corkman, 'I could have saved myself £5'.

Have you heard about the Corkman who thought that aperatif was the French for a set of dentures?

Two Corkmen were discussing their childhood. 'When I was born', said the first Corkman, 'I weighed only four pounds'.
"That's astonishing', said the second Corkman, 'tell me, did you live?'
'Live?' said the first Corkman, 'you should see me now'.

What does a Corkman do if he gets a hole in his sock?
He turns the sock inside out.

A Corkman's coat fell down a sewer so he spent half an hour trying to fish it out again. A man passing by suggested that he abandon the coat because even if he got it out, it would never be fit to wear again. 'Oh I know that', said the Corkrnan, 'but there were three sandwiches in the pocket'.

What's the best thing that ever came out of Cork?
The road to Dublin

This fellow met a Corkman wearing only one shoe
'What's the matter' he asked him, 'have you lost a shoe?'
'No', said the Corkman, 'I've just found one'

A Corkman who lived in a remote mountain village was awoken one morning by the postman delivering a letter 'You shouldn't have come all that way just to bring me one letter', said the Corkman, 'why didn't you post it?

One Liners

A Corkman became one of the world's leading surgeons. The highlight of his career came when he carried out the first appendix transplant.

First Corkman: 'I see where Murphy has just run a hundred metres in six seconds'.
Second Corkman: That's impossible, the world record is over nine seconds'.
First Corkman: 'Murphy found a shortcut'.

A Cork traffic warden explained the system of yellow lines on city streets as follows: One yellow line means no parking at all. Two yellow lines mean no parking at all at all.

A Cork blacksmith gave the following instructions to his youthful assistant:
'I'll put the red-hot iron on the anvil and when I nod my head you hit it'.

A Corkman was doing an examination to join the Civil Service. One question read:
Give first names of each of the following, STALIN, HITLER and GANDHI.
The Corkman wrote:I don't know about the first two but the answer to the third is Goosey Goosey.

Two Corkmen were waiting at a bus stop. When the bus drew up it turned out to be a one-man bus so one Corkman turned to the other and said
'You can take this bus, I'll wait for the next one'.

A Corkman sent his son to University and after some time the lad was awarded a B.A. degree. On graduation he received the following telegram from his father —
'Congratulations on getting your B.A. Now for the other 24 letters and this time for goodness sake get them in the right order'

Have you heard about the Corkman who decided to have only three children?
He heard that one in every four children born is Chinese.

A Corkman was on the Mailboat to Holyhead when a man fell overboard.
'Help', he shouted as he struggled in the water, 'drop me a line'.
'I can't', said the Corkman, 'I don't know your address'.

Two Cork bank clerks bought self-winding watches. One afternoon one bank clerk said to the other, 'these selfwinding watches aren't much good Fergal. Mine's stopped'.

A Corkman went to his dentist and told him to take all his teeth out. When the dentist had extracted the last tooth the Corkman burst out laughing and said, 'April fool, I only wanted a haircut'.

A reader has been in touch with the allegedly true tale of the Italian subsidiary opened by the UK electricity company, Powergen.

The company's domain name is www.powergenitalia.com

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.


After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.


The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'


'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'


'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'



'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

A women asks her husband for ten thousand dollars for a breast enlargement! He says "Why don't you try rubbing toilet paper in between your breasts!" She says "You think that will work?" He says "I don't know, but it worked on your arse!"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

                                                                                                                                                           A blond takes her car to a mechanic! The mechanic says 'Nothing to worry about, just sh-t in the air filter!' She says 'Brilliant, how many times do I have to do that?'

 

   Beer Prayer.

Our Beer,
Which art in Barrels.
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home, as it is in the pub.
Forgive us this day our daily spillages,
as we forgive those that spill against us.
For thine is the beer,
The Bitter and the Lager,
For ever and ever,
Barman. 
                                                                                                                                               

now you've upset the christian members of this world
is there no end to your talents zaxboy

hi kev, i know i do indeed apologise to every one in advance, and to say that a joke is just a joke to me, I am not racist in any shape or form...... and try my best to dislike every one equally,.. Oops ;D

might I say that you do your best very well sir

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree withyou, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'


mental home
A young man in a mental hospital was sitting with his private part in between 2 biscuits. Nurse walks by and see this, she asked what are you doing.He replied i am f*cking crackers

 Stand up
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an
old people's home last
night. They didn't get any of my jokes
but they still pis--d them selves.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Why sir are you not on the tv

cozz he,s not allowed to say irish / paddy / paki / scotch / arse / feck, / indian,/ nigger, /black,/ yellow, /chink,/  white honky, / queer  or owt like  it on the good old fecked up goggle box ,,,,,



i do apologise if i missed out some race or minority  ;)

politcal correctness  madness
hope you got yoursellf sorted spanners

Political correctness!!!!!!
I'll tell you about political correctness. I went to the zoo yesterday, wandering around and just happened to say "ooh,  look at the mongoose".
The nearby keeper said, "sorry sir, you are now no longer allowed to call them that! It's now known as an 'educationally challenged' goose!!!"

We all know how literally impossible it is to not offend SOMEONE these days, everyone is just SO FU-KING TOUCHY... So this guide will help you on how to speak about the opposite sex in a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We sh-g them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning scre-ing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The taxi prank........ you may have seen this before but i love it   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxdOhC1R0t8

"Apple vs. Microsoft"
Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.__"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee.__They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."__The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.__The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.__When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all.__"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee.__When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.__Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

There were five people on board the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

A man was walking on the beach when he got the urge for a cigarette, but he had no matches. He saw another man coming toward him carrying a gym bag, so he asked him for a light. The second man opened the gym bag and took out a HUGE cigarette lighter. "Where did you get that big lighter?" asked the first man. "There’s a genie down the beach granting wishes," the second man answered. So the first man walked along the beach and sure enough, there was a genie. "Do you grant wishes?" the man asked, and the genie answered "Yes, but only one wish to a customer." "I want a million bucks," the man asked. The genie waved his hand, and suddenly the sky was full of ducks flying in from all directions. "Hey," the man said, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Sorry, one wish to a customer," the genie answered. Angry, the man went back up the beach until he ran into the man with the gym bag. "That’s some ********-up genie," he said. "I asked for a million bucks, and all I got was a million ducks."
"You’re telling me?" the other man answered. "Do you really think I wanted a two-foot Bic?"

A shrink was doing a therapy session with 4 young mums & their small kids. “You all have obsessions” he observed.
To the 1st mum he said “You are obsessed with food, you even named your child Candy”
To the 2nd, “You’re obsessed with money, so you named your child Penny”
The 3rd, “Your obsessed with alcohol hence you named your child Brandy”
At this point the 4th mother quietly got up & took her little boy by the hand & whispered “come on Dick, we’re leaving”

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said. "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The biker pulled over and said, "Lord, would you build me a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want ?"

and the Lord said; "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel t would take! It would nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such a worldly thing. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all mankind."

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

and the Lord replied ...


...


...



...



"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

Gordon the Fencepost Tortoise.

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown, his appointment as Prime Minister and his delusion that he commanded the armed forces.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain,
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."

A STORY THAT'S ABOUT EVERYBODY SOMEBODY ANYBODY & NOBODY


There was an important job to be done and EVERYBODY was asked to do it.

EVERYBODY was sure that SOMEBODY would do it.

ANYBODY could have done it, but NOBODY did it.

SOMEBODY got angry about that because it was EVERYBODY'S job.

EVERYBODY thought ANYBODY could do it but NOBODY realised that EVERYBODY wouldn't do it.

It ended up that EVERYBODY blamed SOMEBODY when NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have done.

Womens trouble

It finally all makes sense....I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist & when we have real trouble, its a HISterectomy!

Ever noticed how all women's problem start with MEN??!

Two tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadt rienusyrhafnauole, they stopped for lunch and one of them asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... VERY slowly?" The blonde waitress leaned over and enunciated beautifully: "...Burrr-gurrr Kinngg!"

A muslim was shot in the head last night with a starting pistol.
........ Police say it's definitely race related..... Oops

Two punk rockers are having sex while listening to some music.
"Is that Johnny Rotten?" says the girl.
"No, I've only used it twice before!" replies the bloke.

Paddy goes to the doctor and says " can you remove this mole off the end of my Di-k " the Doctor says " I will this time but if it happens again I will report you to the RSPCA

A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers to try and spice up her and her husbands sex life.
She slips them on together with a very short skirt and red high-heels then sits opposite him on the settee.
She opens her legs and the hubby says,
"Have you got a pair of crotchless knickers on?"
"Yes" she purrs.
"Thank fu-k for that.." he says
"I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee

Two dinosaurs named Tracey and Rex were making love behind the bushes when a transvestite caveman walked by. When they finished Tracy turned to her partner and said:
"Do you think that tranny saw us Rex?"

 LOST I>D
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago .."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

Greatful immigrant.

A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to England. He stops the first
person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. English man
for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps,
free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetry
benefits!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Polish."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in England!"

The person says, "I not English, I am from Croatia."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not English!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?"

She says, "No, I am from Iraq!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English people?"

The Iraq lady checks her watch and says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. "Probably all at work."

 
Letter From Office of Prime Minister to the UK Citizens.

Office of Prime Minister,
10 Downing Street,
London,
England

Dear People of the United Kingdom,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 40 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme(Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers) A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many time as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependants and Spouce,) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Government.

Persons who are not RAPED, and who are staying on will receive as much sh*t(Special High Intensity Training|) as possible. The Government has always prided itself in the amount of sh*t it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive as much sh*t as you should, please bring this to the attention of your MP. They have been trained to give you as much sh*t as you can handle.

Sincerely,

PM

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;

did you like that one spanners  ;D

 Don't argue with cops.
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop or convince me of the difference, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."


Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer, and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

A Doctor In Dublin
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you
have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that
begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing.
(Refer to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants
to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT
say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a
man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the
woman's response refer to # 3

 Nick Griffin
The other day he was pelted with eggs thrown by protestors, he was shocked and disappointed because the protestors didn't seperate the whites first!

Real madrid have stated they wont pay £80 million for Ronaldo

having found out that Primark are selling big girls blouses for £4

easy parking for women..........http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7giVUU1lGI

 :D :D

 Queen to disolve parliament?
Queen: Philip, one has come to a monumental decision.

Philip: Not again Liz! Last time you did that we ended up having Edward.

Queen: No! I'm going to dissolve parliament, all these money grabbing bastards running the country.

Philip: What! Who is going to bloody run it then?

Queen: We are. The whole family!

Philip: What like the f**king Mafia?

Queen: Look you can run the Foreign Office, you're good with Jonny foreigner.

Philip: True.

Queen: And we have natural leaders for every job in the cabinet - Charles can handle the environment, Zara can do sport and of course Harry can handle immigration policy!

Philip: Actually on reflection it's a great idea!

Queen: Too right it is. Now Windsor or Balmoral?

Philip: What about them?

Queen: For the second home allowance!

 Gotta love the Irish
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

"That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London...".

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist, and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

The Japanese government sent thanks to the UK government today for the search and rescue dogs sent by the UK in the recent tragic events in japan..............they said they were delicious

Stars In Their Eyes

Simon is introduced on Stars in their Eyes by Matthew Kelly. Now, Simon is in a wheelchair and on to the stage he rolls.

"Hello," says Kelly, "Who are you and what happened to you?"

"Well, I'm Simon and 6 months ago, I was in a car accident which killed my uncle and took my legs. I had my uncle's legs grafted onto me and in 2 months I'll be able to walk."

"Awww," says Kelly. "Okay, who are you going to be tonight?"

"Tonight," says Simon. "I'm going to be, Simon and Half-Uncle!"

 Hell's Angels Applicant
A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels! One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
`
The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks;"Do you have a motorcycle?"
`
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,"and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
`
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
`
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bas-ard used coins!"


Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

AN EARTHQUAKE HITS WEST BROM
By R.E.Porter

An earthquake hit West brom on September 23, 2002. The epicentre was Stone cross. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fuc-ing hell", "boll-cks" and "where's me fags". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentoes from Blackpool and Skegness were damaged beyond repair and three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were destroyed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived and hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered that something interesting happened in Stone cross. One resident, Tracy Delores Smith, a 15-year-old single mother of five said, "It was a shock, my little Chardonay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying and my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin up whilst I was watching Trisha. My youngest two, Tyler Morgan and Megan Storm, slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."

Adam, who lives a few doors away said, "After a heavy weekend, my girlfriend and I were heavily asleep when the earthquake struck. I remember waking up but soon returned to sleep. In the morning we discussed it in bed and both agreed it was the washing machine." Two joyriders complained, "We've never been so terrified... we called the police but they said there was nothing they could do. Why do we pay our taxes?"

Apparently though, looting, mugging and car crime carried on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantites of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundstretcher.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
The appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks and Rockport boots and many other items sold by Matalan. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuff include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Fosters or Special Brew. Monetary donations are also welcome. 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms. £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 and £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

For £20, a fake M.O.T can be bought (or 10 gallons of red diesel to burn the vehicle out) and £26.00 is enough for 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back from Kavos. Please don't send tents, as the sight of posh housing will upset residents in neighbouring areas. All items of property, lost during the earthquake, can be bought at Happy shopper  which is open 24/7

Zakboy tonight sir you have surpassed yourself you have insulted so many different types of people in one short out burst that the great Bernard Manning would be impressed
royalists,stustststuterers,speech therapists ,japanese ,hells grannies ,chavs ,alcoholics ,smokers ,campers and shopkeepers
where do get the energy from

True tale about stuttering
used to really good mates with a lad called jeffry at school and he had a massive problem with his speech but he never let it get him down
once he'd been off school for a while and when I asked him why  he said "I've had chir chir chir chir MEASLES"
sure he neant chickenpox
Another time he's walking down the road with a load of fixhing gear strapped around his person and when I asked him  where he was going he said "I'm going fir fir fir fir fir fir f**k it I'll go to t'picture
WHERE HAVE ALL THE CHARACTERS LIKE HIM GONE

AN EARTHQUAKE HITS WEST BROM
By R.E.Porter

Nothing wrong with Stone Cross - spent many an hour there in my younger days. Has changed a lot though, the milk bar has gone but I am pretty sure the biker's club is still there.

Indeed stone cross is a fine place,but it was pee the wife off day yesterday, my wife comes from there most of her family still live there. :) there is a stone cross mcc still going and the moonshiners mcc of west brom have been going for 30 years or so.

You will have to PM me their names. I might even know them. Does she know Phil Shinton (Shinna). Most people do!  :o He was a mate. I spent many an hour in his weird and wonderful world.  I knew a lot of bikers from around there and Wolverhampton, especially at the Gifford.
I lived in Willenhall/Walsall but spent loads of time in Friar Park. I used to be a barmaid at the Dirty Duck in Walsall.  Oh happy days.
JJ  ;)

A red skinnedchino/japanesehungarianpolishukranianromancatholicprotestantchavbikerhinduwoman
transvestiteprostitutegaylesbianbornagainsatanistglaswegiancockneyirishwelshfranco/dutchitalian of non specific gender walks in to a chippy and says
"F-f-f-f-f-f-f##k it I'll have some chips please"

I was in a really bad temper this morning, I mean really really bad temper. What did I do? I chucked a muslim in a big tub of bleach. That certainly lightened ma mood.

Paddy and Murphey were out ski-ing. Paddy said when you ski from side to side it's called zig-zagging. Murphey said no it's not it's zag-zigging. They argued for quite a while when murphey say a bloke with a wooley hat. They decided to go and ask him who was correct.
Murphey said when you ski from side to side is it zig-zagging or zag-zigging? The bloke said I don't know, I'm a tobogganist. Paddy said thank christ for that can I have 20 embassy and a box of matches please.

hi jj my wife as never been in to the biker scene,but the family name is larkin there are quite a few of them the family were split up as kids but some of them still live in the stone cross area one of the brothers as only found the rest of the family this year and lived in the same area not far from family members for years and did not know it.zak

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,

"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,

"I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented,

"Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Ya, that was me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal of inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke,

"Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional,

you have some major design flaws in your invention":

1. there’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,

"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Beer Warning To All Men

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,

talked excessively without making sense,

became overly emotional,

couldn't drive,

failed to think rationally,

argued over nothing,

and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

~~~~~~~

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Peter says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Colin continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Pete. Women like that are hard to find.'

~~~~~~~~~~

As a Hillbilly couple walk out of divorce court, the wife is cryin her heart out.

Her husband turns to her and says...


"Fer Pete's sake stop cryin Lilla... yer still my sister."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded,

"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain that to you."

~~~~~~~~~

A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone.

So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

Then she wrote a note saying,

"If you ever want to see your child again,

leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park."

then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag.

It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said,

"How could you do this to another blonde?"

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an
important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and
narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of
the
world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them
all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with
the
best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is
lying
on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first, from USA , says 'My answer is, there IS no answer.'

The second, from England , says 'My answer is that there is no way
to
determine the answer with the information we were given.'

The third one, from Scotland , says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I
have
it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.'
The Scotsman got the job

> THESE ARE GENUINE CLIPS FROM COUNCIL COMPLAINT LETTERS:
>
> 1: My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.
>
> 2: He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and i just can't take anymore.
>
> 3: It's the dog mess i find hard to swallow.
>
> 4: I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
>
> 5: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
>
> 6: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
>
> 7: I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.
>
> 8: My lavatory is cracked, where do i stand?
>
> 9: I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
>
> 10: Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
>
> 11: I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
>
> 12: 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
>
> 13: I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
>
> 14: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
>
> 15: Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
>
> 16: Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and now split into 3 pieces.
>
> 17: I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me!
>
> 18: The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
>
> 19: Our kitchen floor is damp, we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.
> 20: I am a single women living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
>
> 21: Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
>
> 22: I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but i still get no satisfaction.
> 23: This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still can't get BBC2.

It was announced today that the Archbishop of Canterbury has almost got his way!

BRITISH WEATHER HAS BEEN DECLARED MUSLIM

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Sh'ite

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'.


Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."



The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.


The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.


The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"


The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off
her shoes."

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston!'

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night.

The husband looks up from his coffee,"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? " he asked solemnly.

The wife touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.



He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " I would have gotten out today."

After retiring, I went to the DHSS Office to apply for age pension benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink Office
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability, as well."

Ouch!

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his di-k.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away."
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These Amadican Doctors - so quick to chop chop chop. Amputation not necesally."
Joe was relieved.
Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

BILLION DOLLAR PROBLEM

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Geography of a Woman

"THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a di-k."

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Cherie, "Who’s clock is that?"
"That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That’s George Washingtons’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that he only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Cherie asked, "Where’s Tony’s clock?"
"Ahhh - Tony’s clock is in my office. I’m using it as a desk fan."
 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one Madam?" "A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant," it use to live in a brothel and as a result it’s language is a touch fruity!".

"Oh, I don’t mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "F-ck me, a new brothel and a new madam!",

"I’m not a Madam and this isn’t a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new whores," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes," complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home and the parrot says........

"Well F-ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin" Dave ?"
 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...

HAMBURGER: £1;
CHEESEBURGER: £2;
HAND JOB: £3.
He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you ?" she asks with a smile.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs ?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."

 

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Ha!. We took an as-hole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work tomorrow.
 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says,

"Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she’s my mistress."

"Well, that’s the last straw," says the wife. "I’ve had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who’s that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That’s his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....



You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sport and play on the Internet all night...



You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she’s going to have a monster hangover....



You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....



You sigh in relief because it’s all in one piece....



You circle the car looking for dents and find none...



But....

 :)

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I’m very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
 

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: “I’ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!”

Hugh replies: “Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.”

Bill (with a chuckle): “Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number.” So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling “God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.”

To which she replies: “Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.”
 

My neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
 

A lad comes home from school and says "Dad, what’s a tw-t", his Dad slaps him and tells him not to be so rude, the lad begs him as his mates are all taking the piss for not knowing.

Feeling sorry for him the dad looks down and says "Follow me son"

They walk into the bathroom where the wife is in the bath, "You see that black hairy thing in between your mothers legs son?"

"Well the rest of her’s a tw-t"
 

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How’d you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn’t about to start now!"
 

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"

One day, the wife of one of the tribes’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!"

The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the kid."
 

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fu-king ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some tw-t puts a swimming cap on me!"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was asked.

He quickly answered, “The dog’s lead goes slack.”
 

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Peter:"What were the names of the two people in the Garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

Finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that’s a hard one!"

The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
 

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, mouth like the bottom of a parrot’s cage, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."
"He’s an asshole - piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What’s the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"
 

 

An Irishman wins the lottery and goes to claim his winnings.

Congratulating him they tell him they will have to pay him the millions in 3 weekly instalments.

With that the Irishman replies if your gonna f-ck me about I’ll have me quid back.
 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh-t."
 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to sh-t. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’"
 

A Scottish couple were planning their honeymoon in 1925. They decided to go on a tour of Canada to visit their relatives and see the sights. During the tour they visited an Indian reservation.

In the middle of the reservation there was a teepee with a sign advertising a memory man. The sign read "The amazing memory man knows everything and forgets nothing". The Scotsman decides to try this out and steps inside.

He greets the young brave "How".
The brave points to a jar full of $20 bills and says "If you ask me a question I can’t answer you get the jar. If I answer it you put $20 in the jar".
The Scotsman figures he can beat him and asks "Who won the Scottish FA cup in 1878 ?"
The indian thinks for a minute and says "Vale of Leven beat Third Lanark 1-0"
The Scotsman is truly amazed at this correct answer and pops his 20 bucks in the jar. The couple return to Scotland and live a full and happy life for 50 years.

For their golden wedding celebrations they decide to retrace their tour of Canada. After visiting their relatives they once again end up at the reservation. They are amazed to see that the teepee of the memory man is still there.
"Wonder if he will remember me ?" says the Scotsman.
So he goes into the teepee and says "How".
The indian replies "Penalty in the 52nd minute"
 

Ulrika Johnson was rushed to hospital last night, it was reported that she badly injured herself when she sat on her mobile phone.

However doctors informed that her condition was comfortable, after all it wasn’t the first time she’s had an Ericsson up her.
 

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think we’ve been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we strip off ?"

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady said, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn’t be surprised," replied Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."
 

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman’s legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!

I hear that the Irish SAS were involved in the operation to take out Osama Bin Laden. unfortunately it all went wrong after they stormed Debenhams on hearing that summer bed linen was on the third floor!
 
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be
turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new
face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the
results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't
get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

I grew up in a tough area. When i was a kid, people used to cover me in
chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head...

Life was tough in the gateau

Posh Fart
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

Coffee Dilemma
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"


You've Got Mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


Being an Egg
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

New Boots
An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

"Notice anything?", He said.

"All I can see is a limp d-ck". She replied.

"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

The Shop That Sells Everything
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a c-ck."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Caddies

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

a huge women walks into a bar wearing a sleeveless sun dress and lifts her hidious arm revealing a very hairy armpit and booms 'which drunk out there will buy a lady a drink' a small drunk pipes up and says
'bartender i'd like to buy this ballerina a drink' the bartender pours the glass and she lougs it down and yet again lifts her arm revealing a very hairy arm- pit and shouts
'is there a drunk out there that will buy a lady a drink' the same drunk pipes up and says
'bartender i'll buy that ballerina a drink' as she is drinking it down the bartender asks
'its not my concern if you want to buy a lady a drink but why did you call her a ballerina'
'its simple' the drunk replies 'any woman who can lift her leg up that high must be.   

Eleven People on a Rope

 Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping

. . . if all major retailers started making their own condoms and keeping their same slogan ...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. (you won't get a pc user using these!!)

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!(sorry!)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Question: What is a b******d exactly?


Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,
"What is a b******d?"


And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.


In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.


The guy behind him, well, he's a b******d.


 

David Beckham goes to the hair dressers to have his hair cut, and has these headphones on.

The hairdresser insists he takes them off, but David protests, "I cant take them off, it is really important" .

The hairdresser complains that it will be impossible to cut his hair with them on, but David insists " this is a really important thing that I keep them on!''

The nice lady hairdresser, with her best tact, tries to explain how it will be an impossible task to cut David's hair with these huge headphones stuck to his head, but Beckham insists, "look, it is a real life or death situation, I cannot take the headphones off!"

Exasperated, the hairdresser takes the headphones off Beckham and puts them on her own head.

("breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out"!) ...

 
Posh is trying to reverse her Ferrari out of the drive, and accidentally catches the side of the car on one of the gateposts, and causes a bit of a dint in the side of the car. 
Worried that Becks will see the damage and give her a good spanking, she quickly takes it down to the nearest dealer to get it fixed.

The boys in the workshop, always up for a bit of a laugh, tell her to blow down the exhaust pipe, and that will blow the dint out.

David, arrives home, to find Posh with her gob around the exhaust pipe, blowing for Britain.

He asks her what the hell she is doing, and she explains what the guys at the Ferrari garage told her to do.

"I am trying to blow the dint out of the car!"

David replies, "That will never work!"

Why? asks posh?

Becks replies: "You only gone and left the windows down!!!"

 

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.

"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.

"Who let you in here? Did you check the mirror before you left the house? Get away from me, you oaf!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

True story (apparently...)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

 ..

 ..

 ..

 ..



You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

 ..

 ..

 ..

 ..





"Defrost the chicken."

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little p*ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you   which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you  press:
no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a   representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
 date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or   before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term   memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 
 
 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
 
 

 
The Reverend John Fuzz... 

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

“Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. 

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. 

The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.” 

The bartender nodded. “Well if you’re that far you may as well finish.”
 
 

A very happy St Georges Day to all Englishmen everywhere

May the Morris Men of England fill your heart with Anglo Saxon joy

Have a great day



This E-mail is not available in Punjabi, Urdu, Hindi, Russian, German, French, Chinese, Arabic, any African dialect, or any other  foreign language.,

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,

"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued,

"You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,and said,

"Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded,

"For fifteen years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

Two old pals who have been friends since childhood were having a beer in their local one night.

One turns to the others and asks" If I had sex with your wife and got her pregnant would that make us related?"

His pal as quick flash replied " not at all just even"

Road blocks aren't for dumb drivers
http://glumbert.com/media/roadblock .  

How not to rob a liquor store
http://www.glumbert.com/media/badrobber

Then there were two Scots who bet a pound on who could stay under water the longest. They’ both drowned.

The Irish Prime Minister has sent a letter of commendation to an Irish SAS unit who stormed the Bagdhad Zoo in Iraq and shot all the Gorillas and freed all the Ostriches!

Vanessa feltz has embraced Islam and become a Muslim from now on she will wear a veil and Burka, her local Imam has given her a new name she will now be known as " Yaffat Fouqa"

A short ode by Paul Mcartney
As I lay on the river bank my hands were all a quiver. But as I undone her suspender belt her leg fell in the river

Kidnapped
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M11.

Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened ?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, Cherie Blair, Gordon Brown, John
Prescott and Peter Mandelson. They are asking for a £10 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire..
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

The man replies, "About a gallon."

how far does a pound stretch?
Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a pound reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a pound."
The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a pound, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a sh-t in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like sh-t. He agreed with me and gave me my pound back."

Two 90 year old women are sitting in front of a nursing home one day, smoking cigarettes, when it started to rain. The first woman pulls a condom out of her purse, snips of the tip of it and pulls it over her cigarette and finishes smoking.

The second woman looks at her and asks her "What are you doing?"
The first woman says "I'm keeping my cigarette dry."

The second woman then says "I should try that."

The next day the second woman goes to the pharmacy and says "I need a box of condoms!"

The pharmacists looks at her and thinks "This woman is 90 years old, what the heck does she need condoms for" but he decides "Oh well I guess I'll sell them to her anyways."

He then asks the woman "What brand would you like madam?"

The old woman replies "Doesn't matter to me....as long as they fit a CAMEL!!"

My wife left me...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but
I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw £45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several crimes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him knocking him out. The police arrived and arrested me.

Apparently they use actors on the show.

We call our grandad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty tw-t!" said the fairy.

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won.

Statistically... 1 in 10 Pakistanis are in Pakistan.

It took a lot of balls for me to go on the Channel 4 show ''Embarrassing Bodies''.

Three actually.

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bast-rds were trying to pull.

Fosters.

I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

I bought a teddy bear for ten quid, just sold it on ebay for twenty. Now I've got the Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a teddy.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.

Two sperms are having a race. One sperm says, "all this swimming is knackering me, how long till we reach the womb?"
The second sperm says, "long way to go yet mate - we've only just gone past her tonsils!"

Just think - the old homeless guy who sits outside my local station doesn't know what it's like to have a full tummy on Christmas Day.

But he will do this Friday, thanks to me -

I'm gonna go down there and tell him.

Me and the wife stopped at the services recently for some breakfast. We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."

Waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

I phoned up BT today to complain that my phone wasn't working correctly.
The young Indian girl on the end of the line says, "I'm sorry sir, can you repeat that?" in a difficult to understand voice.
So I say, "my phone isn't working correctly."
She again says, "could you repeat that again, sir? I can't make out what you said."
I'm getting a bit pis-ed off now, 'cause I can't really understand her, and shout, "my phone isn't working correctly!"
I think she says, in a very Indian accent, "I'm sorry, I still can't make out what your saying."
I've had enough, so I say, "STICK THE PHONE UP YOUR A-SE!" and I slam the phone down.
The next day there's a knock on my door. When I open it, a BT Engineer is standing there .
The Engineer says, "are you the man who told the call centre worker to stick the phone up her a-se yesterday?"
I reply, "yes that's me."
The Engineer says, "well, if you don't get on the phone and apologise, we are going to take your phone out."
So I pick up and I phone the call centre, get through to the Indian girl and say, "are you the person who I told to stick the phone up your a-se yesterday?"
She says, "yes, that's me."
And I say, "well, they'll be bringing it round in a bit."

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”


“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless. 

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.



He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight ba-tard?!"  

A German guy approaches a lady of the night. "I vish to buy sex viz you."
"OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

"..ist goot, but I must varn, I am little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make the love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze....
four-sprung Duck technique.

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Basingstoke, has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen. 

David Cameron is a neighbour of Rebekah Brooks.

He didn't realise, for ages he thought it was a fox going through his bins.

I'm thinking about bottling my own urine and selling it.

I'll call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Fosters".                                                                                         

A man is admitted to hospital with third-degree burns. The consultant told him that he was going to prescribe viagra. Amazed, the man asked if this would help heal the burns. No, the consultant said, but it will stop the sheets sticking to your legs.

My wife left be because of my addiction to paint sniffing. Needless to say, I was overcome with emulsion.

My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before she'll let me have sex with her, I told her I totally respect her decision and I'll call her then.

According to Cheryl Cole's new hair advert, she says "don't stick with the one colour". So why does she always go back to Ashley Cole??

As soon as the young black man sat down for his interview, I offered him the job. He said thank you and was walking out the door when I shouted;

`'I assume three quid a month is okay?''

Statistically 9/10 blondes reckon a typo is a blood group.

I had a geography quiz when I was at school and one of the questions was "What is the capital of Pakistan?"

It turns out putting Bradford can get you expelled.

When I went for a visa to go to Australia they asked if I had a criminal record.

I dint no know you still needed one!

'They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now'

25 bike riders have now been killed in the last week alone, Police have said it may be the work of a cycle path.

My wife walked in the house today and said, "The car wouldn't start on the way home, the engines flooded."

I said "Where's the car now?"

She said, "In the river."

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

I spent £50 on a pen-s enlarger, and all they sent me was a magnifying glass.

The instructions said not to use it in the sunlight.

robinson have finale revealed the real reason they removed the golliwog label from there jam jars,....... to many were being peeled off and used as bus passes

We had a Chinese friend of ours round for dinner last night so I thought I'd make him feel at home with a Chinese meal.

"How's the duck?" I asked.

"It's rubbery" he replied.

I said "oh, thanks very much I cooked it myself, glad you like it"

I was on holiday in Spain when i saw a sign saying "English speaking doctor". I thought, what a good idea, we should have them in england

I wonder what Mr and Mrs Boyle were thinking, naming their son Susan.

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

When I was a kid my dad told me "I'm fu-ki-g sick of getting socks for my birthday!"
"You ungrateful tw-t" I replied. "It's the thought that counts!"
I could tell from the look in his eyes he'd have kicked my head in.
If he had legs.

My wife said that she's going to leave me.

But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0.

That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, " What Lobsters?"

I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.

Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

Muslim women have a new social networking site, its called

Book

I saw a poster that said,

"Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".

I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more.

A woman walks into the doctor's surgery but doesn't like the way he's looking at her.

When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she asks, "Where will I put my clothes?"

"Hang them up over here," he says, "next to mine."

There has been a distinct lack of extremist suicide bombers recently.
Many potential bombers have realised that one of those 72 virgins waiting for them in the afterlife could be Susan Boyle.

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.

"What do you need the money for sir?"

"It's for a car."

"Oh nice, what are you getting?"

"Just some unleaded."

Ethiopia were pissed off with the world cup draw.

They were hoping to draw Turkey but got Hungary instead.

I once bought Amy winehouse some shoes. It was real expensive...

...the blacksmith only sold them in fours.

Vanessa Feltz was recently given a gastric band for her stomach.

She thought it was a bit chewy but she managed to get it down with a bit of ketchup.

It's not going to be plain sailing for the new Chinese owners of Liverpool FC.

For a start, there's a significant language barrier.

There will be a lot of very poor, broken English being spoken around Anfield and the Chinese people might not understand that. 

On Crimewatch yesterday, they appealed for help in the hunt for a Polish man who is wanted for armed robbery.

Here's my contribution, don't waste your time looking in Poland. 

Big Brother Shopping List Leaked:

25kg Halal Meat
125 Naan Breads
4 flying carpets
4 turbans
1 copy of the Qu'Ran
4 Butt-Plugs

I've just been arrested for spinning an OAP above my head.

I was only trying to see if the swinging sixties were as good as everyone says.  

I used to be dyslexic, but I'm butter now 

What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute?

One is contract and the other is pay-as-you-go.

just heard that Noah has arrived in pakistan to help with the rescue efforts, so far he's managed to save two cows, two donkeys and two goats the search continues... 

Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman sitting at a bar when the bar man tells then, "Im thinking about building my own pub somewhere but im not sure where to go. Do any of you have any ideas?"

The Englishman replies, "Id build it in London. With all the football fans there you'll make a sh-t load."

The Scotsman answers, "Well yer best bet would be in Glasgow lad. Bunch of boozers up there plenty of coin to be earned."

The Irishman says, "Na Ethiopia has to be the best choice."

All 3 of the men, stunned, turn and look at the Irishman confused when the barman asks, "Why the fu-k would you want to build one in Ethiopia?"

The Irishman says, "Well have you seen the beer bellies on them!?"

I wonder if it's politically correct to ask a dwarf who has run out of money if he's "a bit short this month"?

Why would you host the England vs Pakistan match in Birmingham?

I thought England were supposed to be the home team.

A married man goes out to the pub and gets horribly drunk. He insists on taking his friend home so he can show off his posh house. They arrive at the drunk's house and when they pass through the hall, the drunk says, "Shee that chandelir, thash mine!" They progress through the house.... "Shee that big colour tel'vision shet, thash mine." Then upstairs..... "Shee that king-shise double bed, thash mine." "Shee that lovely woman naked in bed, thash my wife." "Shee that feller lyin' on top of her... thash me." 

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh-tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ar-e and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

I've just read that the Olympic Commity have 'Opened the doors to women boxing'

I bet Mike Tyson wishes he'd waited a while now. 

Tremors from the Chinese earthquake were picked up as far away as Paris.

Naturally the French Government issued their unconditional surrender

BBC News: "Sony signals end for floppy disks."

Impotent dyslexics rejoice. 

I have been dating a beautiful young Chinese girl for 8 years now,
her name is Wan, we would have got married ages ago but my names Jimmy King.

An Englishman and an American bloke are walking along in London when the American points to a big building and asks "Whats that?", the Englishman says "Its a hospital", the American then says "Back in America , we have those ten times bigger than that", and the English bloke grins and replies "Of course you have , its a mental hospital!"

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear?"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!

Madonna, and Angelina Jolie, are reportedly joining forces for a new business venture
webuyanykid.com 

Just seen our MP in his new motor.

Land Rover Freeloader.

I dont do jokes about the Spanish........... no way Jose! 

I see that under new legislation, The Government are going to force single mothers to name the father of their babies on birth certificates in future.

For the single mothers I know, That'll be like picking out the baked bean in a tin that made them fart!

In a recent interview with Katie Price she claimed to have only ever had ten lovers.

If you ask me, she ran out of fingers.

Roy Hodgson spots a seventeen year old Pakistani playing football with an onion bhaji in the street, he says, ''I like the way you play young man. I want to offer you a fantastic opportunity to play for Liverpool.'' The Paki kid says, ''F-ck off Hodgson, I get enough stick for being Pakistani."

A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview.

I haven't even applied for a job there.

With everyone out buying their Christmas presents,
a new craze is sweeping over India (and most of Bradford.)

SITAR HERO

With a new 24 player option. 

I'm getting fed up with all the disruptions at my self harm support group meeting.

Every few minutes some-one is going for a slash.

Today, I was cleaning the garage and found our old christmas lights. I noticed that the label said "for indoor and outdoor use only". I'm still wondering how anyone could possibly break this rule.

There have been quite a few burglaries near me recently.
I bought some black-out blinds to keep the tw-ts out.

Chinese special offer : Buy one dog, get one flea.

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a
turd by the clean end."

 How many gypsies does it take to catch a rabbit?

 Three, two to stop the traffic and one to scrape it up.

Despite the rise of the sat nav, I think elementary map reading should be introduced as part of the driving test.

This would ensure that no more women could ever pass it again. 

Some kids started calling my wife names because of her size yesterday.

She said to me, "Don't just stand there...do something".

So I joined in. 

I was outside a French restaurant when a couple came up to me and said, "Avez-vous une table pour deux?"

"Are you calling me a tw-t?" I asked.

Shocked, the man replied, "Not at all! I thought you worked here; I was asking for a table."

"So you thought I was French?"

"Well yes."

"Are you calling me a tw-t I repeated.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Why the hell are there six feet in this bed? There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Bulls-it," said the wife, "you're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right."

After criticism of their product Walkers announce there is at least one large potato in every pack of Walkers crisps.

The 24 Multipack.

I was telling a joke in a Geordie accent the other day.

When I'd finished, this guy said, "I'm f**king rubbish at accents, every time I try to speak like a Geordie, I end up sounding like a Pakistani
I said, "You need more practice - Jamal".

David Cameron has announced today a radical new policy to shorten Britain's dole queues.


He's asking them to stand closer together!

In France, the police are now taking action against people caught in public wearing a burqa.

So far they've arrested four Muslims and seven letterboxes.

'Saudi man convicts both wives of adultery'

Two birds, one stoning

  I just went on the version of Facebook for Muslim women

book.com    

Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.

A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"

Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".

Has anyone else seen the new range of flavours that Walker's have come up with for the World Cup.

I can't help that think that they went to too much effort making an Irish Stew flavour, they could have just left it at potato.

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

I was shopping in Ireland when I saw a man trying to cram a trolley into the boot of his car.

"I don't think you should be doing that, mate," I shouted.

He replied, "Are ye kiddin' me, lad? I paid a feckin' quid for 'dis!"

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Paddy: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Paddy: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

paddy broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
he nearly got caught, the irish police had covered all the exits, so he escaped through the entrance.

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Afterwards, Paddy says, "That was f**king great! I wonder how the girls got on."

Heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

There's a 12 month waiting list

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Fu-k, there's a bloke here who was a 152!"

Paddy asks, "What was his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles from London."

Paddy was sitting on a bus when a young blonde started breast feeding her baby. "Come on, eat it all up or I'm going to give it to that man over there," she said.

Ten minutes later she again tried to feed the baby. "Come on.....or mummy is going to give it to that man over there," she said. Paddy just carried on reading his newspaper.

Another ten minutes goes by and the blonde picks the baby up again. "Oh for fook's sake," says Paddy, "make your fooking mind up - I was supposed to have got off three stops ago."  

Scotland Yard have caught an Irishman planting a bomb in London.

They arrested him whilst he was watering it.

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.

They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For The Winter.

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says, "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Murphy says, "Everyone will be watching the band."
Paddy says, "There isn't a band playing tonight."
So Murphy says, "I definitely heard someone say, 'a band on ship.'"

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.

"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.

The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."

The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."

"Paddy..." Replies the Irishman.

"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.

The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,

"Sagittarius..."

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose, they managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback.
The picture depicts three very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; two have a black pe-is and the one in the middle has a pink pe-is.
As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says, "well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have three African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink pe-is while the other two have black pe-ises."
The Irish artist says, "oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one the night and the neighbours dog's barking like f-ck in the garden.

Paddy says, "F-ck this!" and storms downstairs.

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says, "What did you do?"

Paddy says, "I've put the f-cker in our garden - let's see how they like it!"

Paddy and Mick are sent to prison. Desperate to stay in touch with each other, they invent a code and tap messages to each other by banging on the hot water pipes with a spoon. The system worked perfectly for a time,but sadly it broke down after they were transferred to separate cells.

Did you hear about the forty Irishmen that drowned?

Apparently they were attempting a riverdance.

32127
Paddy gets off the ferry at Liverpool and jumps in a cab.
Cab driver says, "I've got a riddle for ya." He continues, "brothers or sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who is it?"
"I'm sorry," says Paddy, "I'm no good at riddles, you'll have to tell me."
"Okay," says the cab driver, "it's me."
"Oh right" says Paddy, "I'll have to remember that one."
Paddy a [...]

Reveal the rest of this joke
Paddy gets off the ferry at Liverpool and jumps in a cab.
Cab driver says, "I've got a riddle for ya." He continues, "brothers or sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who is it?"
"I'm sorry," says Paddy, "I'm no good at riddles, you'll have to tell me."
"Okay," says the cab driver, "it's me."
"Oh right" says Paddy, "I'll have to remember that one."
Paddy arrives at his friends house and says, "hey Dave, I've got a great riddle for ya!" He continues, "brothers or sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who is it?"
"Well, it's you" says Dave.
"No it's not, you silly tw-t" says Paddy, "it's a taxi driver from Liverpool." 

A big row broke out yesterday in the Irish synchronised diving team in Beijing.

Paddy says Mick was copying him

Paddy and Murphy are in Iraq. Murphy accidently steps on a land mine. After a big explosion Murphy's left on the floor, screaming, "Paddy, Paddy, help me, I've lost me legs."

Paddy looks and says, "You lying fu-ker... they're over there."

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 and 8. 

I've just seen Irish Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, "watch out you don't trip up over your laces, Paddy."
Paddy says, "yeah, it's these bloody instructions."
I said, "what instructions, Paddy?"
Paddy says, "underneath the shoe, it says 'Taiwan'."

What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?

Run, he's got a grenade in his mouth.

Paddy tried to pull his wife's head off yesterday. The taxman said she had £250 in arrears.

Paddy was asked why he kept an empty milk bottle in his fridge and he said, "Dat's in case somebody wants derr coffee black!"

Two Irishmen in a dark cave.

"I can't see anything." says Paddy, "Do you have a match?"

Murphy gives him a match and he strikes it against the wall of the cave and nothing happens. He strikes it again, still nothing.

He then says, "Murphy, this match doesn't work."

"That's funny," says Murphy, "It worked okay this morning."

Paddy says to Murphy, "My wife gave birth to twins yesterday."
"Who do they look like?" asked Murphy.
"Each other." replied Paddy

Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on the side. The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember, if the inspector from the benefit fraud office catches you to give him a false name". Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?" The foreman replies "Look, it's f**king easy, just look around and use one of the names of the shops". An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up "Right then you three, you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. give me your names!" Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths". John looks around and answers "John Tesco". The inspector then turns to Paddy "And you, what's your name?" Paddy says "Ken!" The inspector says "And your second name?" Paddy replies "Tucky fried chicken".

Not to be outdone by the U.S. Seals, an elite Irish regiment has attacked Battersea Dogs Home and killed 27 Afghans

Paddy phoned the police to report that thieves had broken into his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way, the phone rang a second time. "Never mind," said Paddy, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A barman finds a fancy pen lying on the floor of the bar, he shouts over to the few blokes in the bar "have any of you lost a pen?"

Theys all shake there head, but Paddy says pass it here with a piece of paper.

The barman complies and Paddy starts writing on the paper.

"Yes barman, thats my pen" said Paddy.

The barman asked "How can you tell?"

Paddy pointed at the paper and said "It must be, thats my handwriting"  

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor,
"I'm constipated." he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his a-se with a baseball bat.
A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your a-se with cement bags."

Paddy's wife gave birth to twins. He demanded to know who the other man was.

Paddy the Irishman went into a builder's yard and places an order for 25,000 bricks.

"What do you need 25,000 bricks for?" asked the intrigued foreman.

"I'm building a barbecue," replied Paddy.

The foreman laughed before saying, "well you won't need 25,000 bricks for a barbecue!"

Paddy looked on snootily and remarked, "you do if you live on the nineteenth storey of a tower block."

A good looking woman breaks down on a dark rainy night in the middle of nowhere. She seeks refuge at a nearby farm. the farmer informs her ''You can stay here but the only room is sharing with my two 19 yr old twin sons'' She says that would be fine and will be on her way as soon as the breakdown truck arrived. As the three of them are getting ready for bed the woman suddenly gets the urge to have sex with the 2 strapping sons, so she hands them a condom each and invites them into her bed. ''What are these for then miss''? ''You wear them on your d-cks so I won't get pregnant'' A night of passion soon ensues and the woman goes on her way in the morning.
A week goes by and the 2 sons are working in the field and Paddy turns to Mick and says ''I don't give a f-ck if she gets pregnant I'm taking this f-cking thing off''

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub. The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy.
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "Ahh, no thanks. I've already got a wife and 5 kids."

An Irishman talking to his neighbour in the stockbroker belt.
"When I come over de water three years ago, all I had was de boots on me feet and a sack on me back. And now look at me: a £10 million house, a £2 million penthouse apartment, three classic cars worth £1 million each, a yacht worth £3 million and £5 million in de bank."
"That's amazing," said his neighbour. "What was in the sack?"
"23 million pounds," replied the Irishman.

Armed with his policy, Paddy goes to the office of his insurance company and asks if he has anything to collect on his wife, who had just died.

The insurance agent looked at his insurance policy and told him that it was not life insurance, but fire insurance.

"I know,” says Paddy, “that's why I've had her cremated.”

Paddy and Mick are drinking in a bar.
'What's that red mark on your neck Paddy?" said Mick.
"It's a birthmark," replied Paddy.
"How long have you had it?" said Mick.

Paddy and Murphy are taking a walk when they reach a steep hill.

"I'll race you up that hill, Murphy and if I get there first, I'll write my name out on the floor", says Paddy.

"You're on, mate, but if I get there first, I'm gonna rub it out!", says Murphy. 

Murphy is stood outside his house when he spots Paddy walking down the street with a strange animal by his side.

"What's that weird looking creature you have there?" he asks.

"Oooohhh," replies Paddy, "this is the fiercest dog in Ireland - it's called a long-nosed, short-legged, long-tailed Irish attack dog."

"We'll see about that! I have a Rottweiler, a Doberman and a Pit Bull Terrier in the back yard - let's put this long-nosed, short-legged, long-tailed Irish attack dog of yours to the test," Murphy laughs.

"I'll bet you £100 that my dog can beat all three of them at the same time," says Paddy proudly.

So they shake on the bet and go to the back yard where the Rottweiller, Doberman and Pit Bull are growling and barking.
Murphy opens the gate and the long-nosed, short-legged, long-tailed Irish attack dog walks in.
After a few seconds, fur is flying and the dogs are screaming, then silence......

They look into the yard to see the long-nosed, short-legged, long-tailed Irish attack dog stood alone with no trace of the other three dogs apart from some blood and fur around its mouth.

"Well, you were right, Paddy," says Murphy as he's handing over the £100. "What did you say it was called again? A long-nosed, short-legged, long-tailed Irish attack dog?"

"Yup," replies Paddy, "but in other parts of the world they call it a crocodile!"

BBC News - Britain to pay for Irish Bailout

How come the American's aren't helping, they've been sending money to Ireland for years?

A bloke walks into Paddy's Fish and Chip shop in Dublin and says, "Cod and Chips twice, please."
Paddy says, "I heard you the first time."

Paddy and Mick were out hunting in Canada and managed to shoot a moose.As they were dragging the animal back to the truck they were stopped by a Ranger.He asked if they had a permit and when they showed him their hunting license he told them to carry on.
' Just a word of advice for you guys,you'll find it easier to pull the moose by the horns instead of the tail ' said the Ranger.
Paddy and Mick thanked him and after five minutes Paddy said to Mick, ' It is a lot easier pulling the moose by the horns but have you noticed we seem to be getting further away from the truck. '