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andyrennison
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« Reply #2640 on: April 17, 2013, 10:13:31 PM » |
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A Scot, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub, sharing drinks. As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times!!!"
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Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared
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spanners
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« Reply #2641 on: April 17, 2013, 10:18:19 PM » |
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LIVE FAST and DIE YOUNG,, past 50 AND STILL HERE NOW. WAITING. FOR. THE. GRIM. REAPER
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Baychimp
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« Reply #2642 on: April 29, 2013, 11:00:42 PM » |
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Paddy has just taken delivery of his new Aston Martin,and can't wait to get it out on the open road to see what it will do. So he takes a trip down the local motorway,but alas it doesn't matter how hard he pushes the pedal, it won't go over 55mph. So he pulls over and phones Murphy and explains his problem to him. Murphy thinks for awhile, and then asks paddy what gear is he in. Oh the usual says Paddy donkey jacket and wellys.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2643 on: October 02, 2013, 01:09:35 PM » |
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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Mendalot
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« Reply #2644 on: October 02, 2013, 01:12:26 PM » |
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Precision Guesswork ......... What else do you need?
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Mendalot
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« Reply #2645 on: October 03, 2013, 08:50:56 AM » |
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AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
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John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Look Paddy....there's that fooking eejut that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
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Precision Guesswork ......... What else do you need?
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zakboy
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« Reply #2646 on: December 16, 2013, 12:17:29 PM » |
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The first robin of winter
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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merv
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« Reply #2647 on: December 16, 2013, 01:01:34 PM » |
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Why do every five minute job take all day, and
if it can go wrong it will go wrong
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zakboy
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« Reply #2648 on: May 22, 2014, 04:07:02 PM » |
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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout ,
"Air in the hands ,Mother stickers."
"This is a fu*k up"
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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Baychimp
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« Reply #2649 on: May 22, 2014, 10:19:04 PM » |
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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout ,
"Air in the hands ,Mother stickers."
"This is a fu*k up"
That joke rules KO. |
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hunter
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« Reply #2650 on: May 22, 2014, 10:33:08 PM » |
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I
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zakboy
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« Reply #2651 on: May 24, 2014, 10:44:05 AM » |
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Three CROSS eyed fellers are up in court,, the judge looked at the 1st bloke and said 'how do you plead'... The 2nd bloke said 'not guilty you honour'... The judge looked at him and said 'I wasn't talkin to you' and the 3rd bloke said 'I didn't f...in say anythin !!!
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2652 on: May 24, 2014, 11:58:56 AM » |
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This Warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police. Clubbers in the North of England (Yorkshire area) have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This practise is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. If you are approached by a Northerner offering you 'E by gum', immediately report them to the police.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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