paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

My mate spent two hundred quid to have sex with an obese prostitute.

I thought,''What a waist.''

[Shafty]

A man went to the doctor with really bad sunburn. The doctor prescribed Calomine Lotion and some Viagra.
The man said " I understand about the lotion but why Viagra? "
The doctor replied  "its to keep the bed clothes off you at night."

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A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him. "I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

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A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner


The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"


The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"


He says, "Because you're ugly."

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[hunter]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.


When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F£$k him. Give him a quid.'

Then she smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[Shafty]

So it's Paddy's first day on the job as apprentice zoo keeper at Whipsnade. Nice and easy task for the first day, he's given the fish to look after. However, he gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals, and kills off all the fish. So to cover up his heinous crime, he gets all the fish out and throws them into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. After lunch Paddy's told to feed the Chimpanzees. Unfortunately (but lucky for this joke) he feeds them all the wrong food and they all die. So, once again, to cover up, he dumps all the monkeys bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. It's late afternoon now, and Paddy decides to nip off home early before he does anything else wrong. Whilst backing his car out, he runs over the bees. (specialist zoo!) He quickly jumps out of his car, and with the engine still running, scoops up the bees and chucks the mess into the lions enclosure. He runs back to his car and goes home. The next day, there's another arrival at the zoo. A new lion on transfer from Woburn is brought in. "What's it like here then?" he asks the other lions. "Not bad", they reply, "not as much space as Woburn, but the food's getting better - yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and mushy bees.
 

[bitzman5]

 

[zakboy]

So it's Paddy's first day on the job as apprentice zoo keeper at Whipsnade. Nice and easy task for the first day, he's given the fish to look after. However, he gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals, and kills off all the fish. So to cover up his heinous crime, he gets all the fish out and throws them into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. After lunch Paddy's told to feed the Chimpanzees. Unfortunately (but lucky for this joke) he feeds them all the wrong food and they all die. So, once again, to cover up, he dumps all the monkeys bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. It's late afternoon now, and Paddy decides to nip off home early before he does anything else wrong. Whilst backing his car out, he runs over the bees. (specialist zoo!) He quickly jumps out of his car, and with the engine still running, scoops up the bees and chucks the mess into the lions enclosure. He runs back to his car and goes home. The next day, there's another arrival at the zoo. A new lion on transfer from Woburn is brought in. "What's it like here then?" he asks the other lions. "Not bad", they reply, "not as much space as Woburn, but the food's getting better - yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and mushy bees.
 

[zakboy]

My Speed awareness course lasted 45 minutes.

I did it in 10.

[zakboy]

A Blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' 

[zakboy]

Changed my computer password to "silence". Apparently the wife doesn't know that word.

[zakboy]

The neighbour just came knocking and went,"I just saw your wife reversing over my cat and then speeding off."

I went,"Yeah well it serves him right for always lying behind our car completely out of sight."

He went,"Nah mate,he was sleeping on the couch in the living room." 

[bitzman5]

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,
Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the
Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those
Teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your
Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
 
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to Declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
 
 
 

[bitzman5]

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

1981   
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. The Pope died
 
2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned: 
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope

   

[zakboy]

 

[bitzman5]

Old Fighter Pilot

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are,
then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at a coffee shop,
still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes,
first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII,
and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.
I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds,
so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was,

but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 
 
 
 

[hunter]

Prostrate Check up.

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

 

 

 

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

 

 

 

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

 

 

 

I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,

 

'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,

 

"99".

 

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

 

'99".

 

Again, the old guy says,

 

'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.

 

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

 

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis

 

to keep it out of the way.

 

Now take a deep breath and say,

 

 

'99'.

 

 

The old guy begins,

 

 

"One....

 

 

 

two…

 

 

 

 

three…"

 

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE PROSTRATE PROBLEMS!!!