paddy & murphy

[bitzman5]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'

[bitzman5]

Prince Charles goes for a walk everynight after dinner, he passes a hooker, she says do you want any business.  He says £5 she says £150he carries on walking.  This goes on for 4 days. On the 5th day Camilla decides to join him, as they approach the hooker Charles averts his gaze to avoid any embarassment, as they pass by the hooker shouts "see what you get for a fiver you tight Tw*t

[bitzman5]

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Paddy's Mom and Dad's house
in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
   
In the morning, Johnny, paddy's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if paddy and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
   
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are paddy and Gary up
yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
 
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
  'Are paddy and Gary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Paddy came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my airplane glue.' 

[zakboy]

I didnt know how to tell my wife I had cheated on her, so I just told her I was the fastest animal on the planet. 

[zakboy]

I just Googled "what do women REALLY want?"


My computer crashed.

[zakboy]

What do you get if you cross Dawn French with a Unicorn ?.

A Rhino.

[zakboy]

Going to a Cheryl Cole concert is like playing football on synthetic grass.

It might look good but the pitch just isn't right.

[zakboy]

Apparently, in the Sudan, just one goat can feed a whole family.

Why is it that the goats can get work but the men can't?

[zakboy]

My friend is quite wealthy and over the years he's paid for his wife to have so much plastic surgery that, despite being over 50 she has the looks and body of a gorgeous a 20 year. But there was one part of her body that hadn't been worked and my friend decided that she needed 'a bit of a tidy up downstairs' as the bacon was starting to stick out of the sandwich.

After discussion with the surgeon, his wife underwent the cosmetic surgery. She woke up in bed in the private hospital and there were three bunches of flowers on the bedside.

The first had a card that said 'Can't wait to get you home! From Your loving Husband'.

The second had a card that said 'You've been a model patient, it's been a real pleasure working on you'.

The third said 'From Eric in the Burns Unit' thanks for the new ears' 

[zakboy]

An international schol teacher asks a question "what's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
The afrcican student says "what's food?"
The european student says "what's scarcity?"
The american student says "what are other countries?"
And the chinese student says "what's my own opinion?"

[zakboy]

I've been named and shamed in the local papers after I was caught on CCTV throwing eggs at the Manchester United team bus.

In my defence I couldn't find any bricks.

[zakboy]

They found cocaine in the Italian cruiseship captains hair, no wonder he can't drive a boat, he doesn't even know where his fu-king nose is.

[zakboy]

My mate said "I can't believe you married such a dog, how did it happen?"


I said "Well, I got down on one knee, held her paw and asked her to marry me...."

[zakboy]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old ba-tard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was
standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet, where are you from
son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby
players."

"Is that right?" said the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand "

"Really?" replied the boy, "What team did she play for?" 

[zakboy]

After turning on the news to see David Haye and Dereck Chisora's brawl at the press conference last night, I was completely taken aback by it, absolutely shocked.

Not one but TWO British heavyweights actually throwing a punch.