paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

Doctor - "Your husband is very sick and needs to be taken to hospital"

Wife - "Oh no, what is it?"

Doctor - "It's a large building with patients in it but that's not important right now"

[zakboy]

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for viagra, "The cashier says i need medical proof that you need it." The guy says " will a photo of my wife do"?

[zakboy]

God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I'll give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a life span of twenty years.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.

The cow said: 'That's a tough life for me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

Thereafter God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty okay?'

'Okay' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. 

[Shafty]

    

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, 'That's no problem. How many do you want?'

The man answered, 'Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.'

The pharmacist said 'That won't do you any good.'

The elderly gentleman said 'That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes'.

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel balanced.

"You can do that right?" I asked.

"Well, yeah," he said. "I've just never done one for a hamster before."

[zakboy]

There was a report in the paper yesterday how Football players who have come to play in Manchester are struggling with English and can't even manage a simple task such as reading a menu in a restaurant.

To be honest though, I have no sympathy for Wayne Rooney.

[zakboy]

can a woman make u a millionare

yes! Only if u are a billionare.....

[zakboy]

I'm starting to think it was a bad idea marrying a gypsy.

She keeps nagging me for not bringing in the rubbish before the binmen arrive.

[zakboy]

Just made a low cost burgular deterrant for my home. It's a job center poster nailed above my front door.

[zakboy]

The girl I like now hates me.
She was loving all the party tricks from the cooler guys in class

... Til I came over and blew a snot bubble the size of my head

[zakboy]

Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to sh-gging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought 'hang on a  minute?...'

[Shafty]

A Gypsy goes to unemployment office and says: " I want a job."

The official says "Well I've got just the thing for you. Salary is £2000 a week, full pension benefits and a company car. The work is light and only 20 hours a week."


"You're lying" says the gypsy.


Clerk replies: "Well you started it... saying you want a job."

[zakboy]