|
bitzman5
|
 |
« Reply #2190 on: February 08, 2012, 08:33:39 PM » |
|
Ray, who is gay, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated.
'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 12 curried sausages, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran and top it off with a litre of prune juice'.
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
|
|
|
|
bitzman5
|
|
« Reply #2191 on: February 08, 2012, 08:44:17 PM » |
|
A woman in her sixties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
|
|
|
|
bitzman5
|
|
« Reply #2192 on: February 08, 2012, 08:47:34 PM » |
|
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
you know what's coming don't you ?
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
she flew off, saying.......
"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
|
|
|
Shafty
Full Member
Karma: 10
Posts: 132
|
|
« Reply #2193 on: February 08, 2012, 10:24:09 PM » |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Today I shall be mostly eating Jaffa Cakes.
|
|
|
|
hunter
|
|
« Reply #2194 on: February 09, 2012, 01:26:25 PM » |
|
Blondes, what would we do wiyjout them???
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door
neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband
says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2195 on: February 09, 2012, 04:59:15 PM » |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2196 on: February 09, 2012, 05:52:57 PM » |
|
Kodak has filed for bankruptcy after 130 years in business.
More on this story as it develops.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2197 on: February 09, 2012, 05:55:23 PM » |
|
I've started to use a pint of milk as an alarm clock.
I always wake up when it goes off.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2198 on: February 09, 2012, 05:58:09 PM » |
|
I was walking down the street today when I saw a blonde woman in a police uniform. I said to her, "Are you a policewoman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective." She replied.
"So why are you in uniform?" I asked.
"Today is my day off."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2199 on: February 09, 2012, 06:01:06 PM » |
|
Well I just lost my job as an architect.
Apparently building a revolving mosque makes it hard to pray towards mecca
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2200 on: February 09, 2012, 06:01:54 PM » |
|
How can you tell when you enter a gay church?
Only half the congregation are on their knees.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2201 on: February 09, 2012, 06:03:00 PM » |
|
Victoria Beckham was arrested for, Breaking into a song,
She said,"I'm sorry,I can never find the key".
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2202 on: February 09, 2012, 06:04:01 PM » |
|
I got the rat exterminators sent out to my house to kill a rodent,
Apparently no matter what you call her, they don't kill your wife.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2203 on: February 09, 2012, 06:05:37 PM » |
|
I've just been telling my mate how I'm dreading taking my wife to the work's do tonight, as after a few drinks, she starts throwing her weight around.
"What, like starting fights and that?" he asked.
"No, dancing" I replied.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
zakboy
|
|
« Reply #2204 on: February 09, 2012, 06:07:50 PM » |
|
I saw a teenager injecting himself with something suspicious the other day. As I was a certified police officer I went up to the boy, pushed him over viciously and took the injection away from him.
"We have a name for people like you," I jeered.
"Diabetic?" He asked.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
|
|
|
|
