paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

> THESE ARE GENUINE CLIPS FROM COUNCIL COMPLAINT LETTERS:
>
> 1: My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.
>
> 2: He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and i just can't take anymore.
>
> 3: It's the dog mess i find hard to swallow.
>
> 4: I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
>
> 5: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
>
> 6: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
>
> 7: I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.
>
> 8: My lavatory is cracked, where do i stand?
>
> 9: I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
>
> 10: Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
>
> 11: I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
>
> 12: 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
>
> 13: I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
>
> 14: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
>
> 15: Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
>
> 16: Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and now split into 3 pieces.
>
> 17: I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me!
>
> 18: The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
>
> 19: Our kitchen floor is damp, we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.
> 20: I am a single women living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
>
> 21: Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
>
> 22: I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but i still get no satisfaction.
> 23: This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still can't get BBC2.

[zakboy]

It was announced today that the Archbishop of Canterbury has almost got his way!

BRITISH WEATHER HAS BEEN DECLARED MUSLIM

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Sh'ite

[zakboy]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'.


Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."



The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.


The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.


The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"


The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off
her shoes."

[zakboy]

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'

[zakboy]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston!'

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

[zakboy]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night.

The husband looks up from his coffee,"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? " he asked solemnly.

The wife touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.



He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " I would have gotten out today."

[zakboy]

After retiring, I went to the DHSS Office to apply for age pension benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink Office
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability, as well."

[zakboy]

Ouch!

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his di-k.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away."
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These Amadican Doctors - so quick to chop chop chop. Amputation not necesally."
Joe was relieved.
Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

[zakboy]

Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

BILLION DOLLAR PROBLEM

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Geography of a Woman

"THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a di-k."

[zakboy]

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[zakboy]

Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Cherie, "Who’s clock is that?"
"That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That’s George Washingtons’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that he only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Cherie asked, "Where’s Tony’s clock?"
"Ahhh - Tony’s clock is in my office. I’m using it as a desk fan."
 

[zakboy]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[zakboy]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one Madam?" "A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant," it use to live in a brothel and as a result it’s language is a touch fruity!".

"Oh, I don’t mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "F-ck me, a new brothel and a new madam!",

"I’m not a Madam and this isn’t a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new whores," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes," complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home and the parrot says........

"Well F-ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin" Dave ?"
 

[zakboy]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...

HAMBURGER: £1;
CHEESEBURGER: £2;
HAND JOB: £3.
He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you ?" she asks with a smile.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs ?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."

 

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Ha!. We took an as-hole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work tomorrow.
 

[zakboy]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says,

"Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she’s my mistress."

"Well, that’s the last straw," says the wife. "I’ve had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who’s that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That’s his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies