paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....



You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sport and play on the Internet all night...



You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she’s going to have a monster hangover....



You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....



You sigh in relief because it’s all in one piece....



You circle the car looking for dents and find none...



But....

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I’m very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
 

[zakboy]

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: “I’ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!”

Hugh replies: “Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.”

Bill (with a chuckle): “Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number.” So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling “God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.”

To which she replies: “Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.”
 

My neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
 

A lad comes home from school and says "Dad, what’s a tw-t", his Dad slaps him and tells him not to be so rude, the lad begs him as his mates are all taking the piss for not knowing.

Feeling sorry for him the dad looks down and says "Follow me son"

They walk into the bathroom where the wife is in the bath, "You see that black hairy thing in between your mothers legs son?"

"Well the rest of her’s a tw-t"
 

[zakboy]

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How’d you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn’t about to start now!"
 

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"

One day, the wife of one of the tribes’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!"

The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the kid."
 

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fu-king ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some tw-t puts a swimming cap on me!"

[zakboy]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was asked.

He quickly answered, “The dog’s lead goes slack.”
 

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Peter:"What were the names of the two people in the Garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

Finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that’s a hard one!"

The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
 

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, mouth like the bottom of a parrot’s cage, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."
"He’s an asshole - piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

[zakboy]

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What’s the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"
 

 

An Irishman wins the lottery and goes to claim his winnings.

Congratulating him they tell him they will have to pay him the millions in 3 weekly instalments.

With that the Irishman replies if your gonna f-ck me about I’ll have me quid back.
 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh-t."
 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to sh-t. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’"
 

[zakboy]

A Scottish couple were planning their honeymoon in 1925. They decided to go on a tour of Canada to visit their relatives and see the sights. During the tour they visited an Indian reservation.

In the middle of the reservation there was a teepee with a sign advertising a memory man. The sign read "The amazing memory man knows everything and forgets nothing". The Scotsman decides to try this out and steps inside.

He greets the young brave "How".
The brave points to a jar full of $20 bills and says "If you ask me a question I can’t answer you get the jar. If I answer it you put $20 in the jar".
The Scotsman figures he can beat him and asks "Who won the Scottish FA cup in 1878 ?"
The indian thinks for a minute and says "Vale of Leven beat Third Lanark 1-0"
The Scotsman is truly amazed at this correct answer and pops his 20 bucks in the jar. The couple return to Scotland and live a full and happy life for 50 years.

For their golden wedding celebrations they decide to retrace their tour of Canada. After visiting their relatives they once again end up at the reservation. They are amazed to see that the teepee of the memory man is still there.
"Wonder if he will remember me ?" says the Scotsman.
So he goes into the teepee and says "How".
The indian replies "Penalty in the 52nd minute"
 

[zakboy]

Ulrika Johnson was rushed to hospital last night, it was reported that she badly injured herself when she sat on her mobile phone.

However doctors informed that her condition was comfortable, after all it wasn’t the first time she’s had an Ericsson up her.
 

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think we’ve been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we strip off ?"

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady said, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn’t be surprised," replied Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."
 

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman’s legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!

[zakboy]

I hear that the Irish SAS were involved in the operation to take out Osama Bin Laden. unfortunately it all went wrong after they stormed Debenhams on hearing that summer bed linen was on the third floor!
 
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be
turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new
face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the
results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't
get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[zakboy]

I grew up in a tough area. When i was a kid, people used to cover me in
chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head...

Life was tough in the gateau

[zakboy]

Posh Fart
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

Coffee Dilemma
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"


You've Got Mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


Being an Egg
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

New Boots
An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

"Notice anything?", He said.

"All I can see is a limp d-ck". She replied.

"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

[zakboy]

The Shop That Sells Everything
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a c-ck."

[zakboy]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[zakboy]

Caddies

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."