paddy & murphy

[hunter]

Church Fart

An elderly couple are attending church services.. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[zakboy]

 

[hunter]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
 
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket ? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! ... That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
 
'Good,' she replied. ... 'Get your own f**king blanket.'

THE END

[bitzman5]

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.
Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased VAT to 20%.
I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[bitzman5]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law-   If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the  Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.  The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.   Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better..  But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[bitzman5]

An Arab enters a cab at JFK airport..........

Once he is seated, he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear

music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music,

especially Western music which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab, walks around to the back

passenger door and opens it.

The Arab looks increduously at him and demands: “What do you think you are doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no cabs. So get out of my fkg

cab and wait for a camel.”

[bitzman5]

Israel's  new Cutting  EdgeAirport  Security

 The Israelis are  developing an airport security device that eliminates the  privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's  an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you,  but will detonate any  explosive device you  may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a  win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap  about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs  of long and expensive  trials.

You're in  the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.  Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all  standby passengers, El  Alis proud to announce  a seat available on flight 670 to London .  Shalom!

BRILLIANT.

[bitzman5]

I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are



I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It does more than the normal one

My Satnav is my wife



It gives me full instructions

On exactly how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour" it says

"And you're doing thirty five"



It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake


It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene



It lists the vehicles just in front

It lists those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear



I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lockthe car

It still gives its advice



It fills me up with counseling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?



Ah well, you see, it cleans the house

Makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!

[bitzman5]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD:   At The Doctor's
BFF:   Best Friend Fainted
BTW:   Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT:   Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:   Covered By Medicare
CGU:   Can't get up
CUATSC:   See You At The Senior Center
DWI:   Driving While Incontinent
FWB:   Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW:   Forgot Where I Was
FYI:   Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:   Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:   Got Heartburn Again
HGBM:   Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:   Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO:   Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:   Living On Lipitor
LWO:   Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR:   On My Massage Recliner
OMSG:   Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU:   Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL:   Talk To You Louder
WAITT:   Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:   Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:   Where's The Prunes?
WWNO:   Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI:   (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

[zakboy]

I bought my wife some make-up for her birthday today. She looked at it and said. "This has been tested on animals."

"That's why I bought it," I said.

"What for?" she replied.

"Well if it can make a monkey look good, then maybe you have a chance."

[zakboy]

Two bluebottles were standing on a turd when one says to the other "I haven't seen you for ages".

The other one replies "I know, I've been on the sick".

[zakboy]

Felt a bit of an arsehole today.

Fu*king cheap bog roll.

[zakboy]

Keira Knightly went to the slums of Chad on behalf of Soccer Aid to highlight the problems of malnutrition. The residents of the slum had a whip round to buy her a good meal.

[zakboy]

After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts... unleaded, premium, and diesel.

[zakboy]

This Arab pushed in front of me at the bank today, so I tapped the notice and slowly said to him,

"Queue. Wait."

He puffed out his chest and said,

"No. Iraq."

thick tw*t