paddy & murphy

[hunter]

    Bagpiper at a funeral - I found this anonymous article deeply moving - I hope you do, too.

   
     
    As a piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
     
    "I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE, AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Apparently I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

[zakboy]

A really sexy blonde lady sitting across from me on the bus kept winking at me this morning.

Eventually I plucked up the courage and said, "Hey there, I've seen you winking at me, fancy coming back to mine when we get off?"

"Why?" She asked with a puzzled look, "Do you think you can get this bit of grit out of my eye?"

[zakboy]

I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, "Sorry but I forgot what room I'm in."

"No problem Sir, this is called the lobby."

[zakboy]

David Cameron arrives at US Immigration, where they want to see his passport. Cameron, of course, is carrying no form of ID.

"What should I do?" says Cameron.

"Well," says the immigration officer, "we had a similar case last week with Andy Murray. He'd forgotten his passport, so we asked him to serve a few tennis balls and it was obvious he was who he said he was. The week before that, Lee Westwood appeared with no ID, so he drove and pitched a few balls down the runway for us and everything was good. Even before that, we had David Beckham without a passport, so we asked him to bend a few free kicks. No problem."

"But I don't have any skills I can show you!" says Cameron.

"Welcome to the United States, Prime Minister."

[zakboy]

A five year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He instinctively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so massive?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

"Is the baby in your stomach?" asked the boy eagerly,

She said, "Yeah, he sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a very good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... "Then why did you eat him?"

[zakboy]

I saw a bloke in the pub earlier and I said, "I've seen you in here every day this week. Where do you find the time?"

He said, "Well I work 8 hours a day and sleep 8 hours a day. That leaves me 16 hours to do what I want."

"That's impossible. Your day would need to be 32 hours long."

"Not really. I guard the Arsenal trophy cabinet so I can sleep and work at the same time."

[zakboy]

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small c-ck."

"Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."

[zakboy]

I finally managed to get the gorgeous girl I'd been chatting up for ages into bed last night. But when she got naked, she had a birth mark that really put me off her.

A caesarian scar. 

[bitzman5]

Had a little accident this morning. I ended up hitting a stop sign.
I got out to quickly inspect the Car, luckily didn't do much damage to it, a few scratches on the bumper, but nothing that won't polish out with a little bit of elbow grease.
The stop sign got off fairly lightly as well, just a little bent, which is also a good thing.



However from way the kids were screaming ... I could tell the lollipop man was a bit messed up !! 

[zakboy]

George Clooney's been arrested outside the Sudanese Embassy.

Brad Pitt and Matt Damon are inside cleaning out the safe.

[zakboy]

For Sale: Bathroom scales, unwanted gift for wife. Used once, suitable for spares or repair.

[zakboy]

Happy Mother's Day to all my one night stands!!!

[zakboy]

I thought about getting my mum something this mothers day, but apparently it's the thought that counts. So I didn't get her anything.

[zakboy]

I recently got a new doctor.

He said, "I want to check your prostate."

I said, "I don't do that on the first appointment."

[zakboy]

Did anyone else just feel the slight Earthquake when Heather fell on Eastenders?