paddy & murphy

[klogan45]

A blonde and Brunette jump off Beachy Head. Who hits the ground first?
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The brunette, the blonde has to ask directions.

[bitzman5]

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. 'BAM' The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly," said the Doctor

[zakboy]

The cop asked, "what gear where you in before you hit the kerb?"

"Just what I'm wearing now Officer."

[zakboy]

My friend got mad at me playing Scrabble.
"Spondulak" she said, "How can that be a word?"
"Of course it is!" I said.
"I've never heard of it, I bet you can't use it in a sentence" she said.
"Sure I can" I told her, "Here goes"
"I don't know what Spondulak means."
Done.

[zakboy]

A woman walks into the dentists, takes her knickers off and sits on the chair with a leg over each arm. "Madam, I believe this is some sort of mistake" says the dentist, "The gynaecologist is on the next floor"
"No mistake", replies the woman. "Yesterday you put in my husbands new dentures. Today you're going to take them out"

[zakboy]

My wife thinks renewing our vows will put the spark back into our sex lives'

I think a divorce would work better.

[zakboy]

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her. 

[zakboy]

I came home worried and said to my wife, 'I've just heard that the milkman has slept with every woman but one on our street?!'
The wife replied 'I bet its that frigid cow in number 27.'

[zakboy]

'Chisora banned from boxing for fighting.'

In other news:

'Usain Bolt banned from athletics for speeding'

And

'Rory Mcilroy banned from golf for losing ball in tiny hole.'

[zakboy]

I met these two hot girls in the pub the other night, and after a few too many drinks, they suggested I go back to their flat. After a few glasses of wine and a bit of drunken fumbling, one of the girls said

"were going to slip into something a bit more comfortable..."

They came back wearing these amazing lacy outfits. I was stunned.

The other girl went over to the CD player and put on 'The Joshua Tree'

"Oh man, I fu-king hate U2!" I said

Needless to say, I didn't get laid that night... 

[zakboy]

I went to a celebrity lookalike competition yesterday, I went up to the Ian Wright lookalike,
'Hi, my name's Ian aswell' I said,
'Fu-k off' he replied, 'This is for lookalikes only',
Then the real Ian Wright walked over, 'He's right' he said,
'Well if it's for lookalikes only, why are you here?' I asked,

It just goes to show, 2 Ian Wrights don't make an Ian wrong.

[zakboy]

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny
summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My
Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking
frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me
your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this
very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me
that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help
you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take
me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be
back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I
think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That
night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a
long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned
back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

[zakboy]

What do you call a man face-down on the ground, bleeding from his left ear?


An ambulance

[thebigdogsix]

I just got one of those anti bullying wristbands yesterday....I took it off a little fat ginger twat with glasses.

[zakboy]