paddy & murphy

[Shafty]

Doughboy was a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in the porn business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man who liked the tarts.

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[zakboy]

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, [...]

Reveal the rest of this joke
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"  

[zakboy]

My wife has just asked me how many women I've had.
I said, 'I realy dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past and I don't want to upset you!'
'Come on she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all to her....."1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, YOU, 10, 11, 12."

[Shafty]

I nearly spat me tea out giggling to the last one.
    

[bitzman5]

 

[bitzman5]

One day a very long time ago Santa Clause was having a really bad day, Three of his elves were off sick and the agency elves were not as fast and he was getting worried he would not be ready in time for Christmas, then Mrs Clause informed him that her mother was coming to stay for a while over Christmas this really started to stress him out now.
He went to the stables to get the reindeer ready for the long journey for that night, and he found three of them were pregnant and were about to give birth and two of them had gone missing heaven knows where, as he started to load his sleigh one of the floorboards gave way and a whole sack full of toys crashed to the ground and smashed into thousands of pieces it was enough to make him suicidal “ I have had enough he screamed” but as he screamed there was a knock on the door he went to open the door muttering this is probably more bad news just to finish me off, but standing at the door was an angel with a Christmas tree who had come to cheer Santa up as she had heard about his really bad day, Hello Santa she said smiling I have bought you a Christmas tree to cheer you up isn’t it a lovely tree? Truly wonderful don’t you think? This should cheer you up where would you like me to stick it? And that Children was the very start of a very long tradition of putting an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

[bitzman5]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these
days.


 

A customer asked, "In which aisle will I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
 

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
 

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[bitzman5]

One night Mary came home early and found Charlie in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman...

Mary was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And Charlie replied, 'Hang on just a minute Mary so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And Charlie began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the meal I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it's too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for your birthday that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

Charlie took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[bitzman5]

 I truly believe if you do not laugh at this you do not have a sense of humor.
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her  experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a  day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that a fternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
 Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date pr oceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
 As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants  down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This  gives a whole new meaning to being pissed  off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

 
 

[zakboy]

 

[Shafty]

 

[Shafty]

As Joe was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. "That does it," he decided. "I'm going to start a whole new regimen!"

He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted

There he was, all dressed up for the first date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet.

As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could You do this to me?"


From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry.... Didn't recognize you."

[bitzman5]

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.
"Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."