paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

 
Letter From Office of Prime Minister to the UK Citizens.

Office of Prime Minister,
10 Downing Street,
London,
England

Dear People of the United Kingdom,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 40 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme(Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers) A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many time as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependants and Spouce,) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Government.

Persons who are not RAPED, and who are staying on will receive as much sh*t(Special High Intensity Training|) as possible. The Government has always prided itself in the amount of sh*t it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive as much sh*t as you should, please bring this to the attention of your MP. They have been trained to give you as much sh*t as you can handle.

Sincerely,

PM

[spanners]

  ;

[zakboy]

did you like that one spanners 

[zakboy]

 Don't argue with cops.
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop or convince me of the difference, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."


Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer, and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

[zakboy]

A Doctor In Dublin
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[zakboy]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you
have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that
begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing.
(Refer to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants
to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT
say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a
man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the
woman's response refer to # 3

[zakboy]

 Nick Griffin
The other day he was pelted with eggs thrown by protestors, he was shocked and disappointed because the protestors didn't seperate the whites first!

[zakboy]

Real madrid have stated they wont pay £80 million for Ronaldo

having found out that Primark are selling big girls blouses for £4

[zakboy]

easy parking for women..........http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7giVUU1lGI

[spanners]

 

[zakboy]

 Queen to disolve parliament?
Queen: Philip, one has come to a monumental decision.

Philip: Not again Liz! Last time you did that we ended up having Edward.

Queen: No! I'm going to dissolve parliament, all these money grabbing bastards running the country.

Philip: What! Who is going to bloody run it then?

Queen: We are. The whole family!

Philip: What like the f**king Mafia?

Queen: Look you can run the Foreign Office, you're good with Jonny foreigner.

Philip: True.

Queen: And we have natural leaders for every job in the cabinet - Charles can handle the environment, Zara can do sport and of course Harry can handle immigration policy!

Philip: Actually on reflection it's a great idea!

Queen: Too right it is. Now Windsor or Balmoral?

Philip: What about them?

Queen: For the second home allowance!

[zakboy]

 Gotta love the Irish
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

"That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London...".

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist, and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[zakboy]

The Japanese government sent thanks to the UK government today for the search and rescue dogs sent by the UK in the recent tragic events in japan..............they said they were delicious

[zakboy]

Stars In Their Eyes

Simon is introduced on Stars in their Eyes by Matthew Kelly. Now, Simon is in a wheelchair and on to the stage he rolls.

"Hello," says Kelly, "Who are you and what happened to you?"

"Well, I'm Simon and 6 months ago, I was in a car accident which killed my uncle and took my legs. I had my uncle's legs grafted onto me and in 2 months I'll be able to walk."

"Awww," says Kelly. "Okay, who are you going to be tonight?"

"Tonight," says Simon. "I'm going to be, Simon and Half-Uncle!"

[zakboy]

 Hell's Angels Applicant
A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels! One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
`
The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks;"Do you have a motorcycle?"
`
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,"and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
`
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
`
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."