paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Franchise Opportunity

A friend of mine just started his own business - he manufactures
land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well - he says prophets are going through the roof.

[zakboy]

paddy heard a knock on the door when he opened it there was a bloke standing there with a loaf of brown bread under his arm,paddy immediately slammed the door shut,Paddy's wife said to paddy "who was that at the door" paddy said.... "them bloody hovis Witnesses again"

[zakboy]

.Mickey Ryan got a job with the council emptying dustbins.

'Tis great work,' said he. 'A hundred pounds a week and all you can eat! But what spoils it is the foreman. He has terrible bad breath.'

Mickey, however, soon became an expert in the art of refuse collecting until at his peak he could often be seen carrying a loaded dustbin on each shoulder and another equally full under each arm. He would stroll along whistling a merry tune.

'Gosh, you are an amazing fellow,' remarked a passer-by. 'How on earth do you do that?'

' Tis easy, sor,' said Ryan. 'You just push your lips forward and blow.'


                

[zakboy]

'You've lost your rifle, Muldoon?' said the captain at Dunkirk.

'Yes, sir. In the retreat I jumped aboard a boat and the gun fell in the water!'

'Well, son, that was government property and you'll have to pay for it out of your wages.'

'What?' said Muldoon. 'Do you mean we've got to pay for any equipment we lose?'

'Of course,' said the captain. 'It's your responsibility after all.'

'And if I'd lost a tank, I'd have to pay?'

'You would.'

'My God,' muttered Muldoon. 'No wonder those captains go down with their ships!'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Mick Malone was a legend in the First World War. He was the most famous sniper in the history of warfare. The list of his victims was hundreds of names long, and yet his system was so simple. He'd worked out that ninety per cent of Germans were called Hans. So Mick would lie in no man's land, settle in a shell hole, set up the rifle and call:

'Hello, Hans, are you there?'

And a German head would rise up and shout 'Ja!'

Whereupon Malone would shoot him.

This worked very well for many months until he came across an equally smart German sniper. This man had worked out that over fifty per cent of Irishmen were called Mick, so he tried the same plan. There he lay, directly opposite Malone, and called out:

'Are you there, Mick?'

'Yes, is that you Hans?' said Malone without moving.

The German rose up and said, 'Ja!' and Mick shot him...

                                                                                                                                               In the Blitz
The two Kerrymen were wending their way home from the pub in London's East End. The Blitz was at its height with German bombers overhead every night.

"Tis a terrible time to be in London,' said Pat. 'With no defence against the terrible air raids.'

'Sure it was, until now,' said Mick. 'Now of course they've found the answer. That's it up in the sky -barrage balloons!'

Mick pointed to the massive inflated objects hovering over the city on guide wires.

'You see,' he explained, 'the German planes come over and bump into the balloons and are destroyed.'

'But surely,' argued Pat, 'when the planes hit them the balloons will burst.'

'Indeed not,' said Mick. 'You see, the balloons are full of concrete.'

   

[kevsky]

been busy this morning zak ,can't sleep?

[zakboy]

Iv always been an early riser Kev, all so bred parrots for many years for hand rearing when they first hatch out for the first seven days they have to be fed every two hours day and night so i have got use to doing with very little sleep but I'm lucky i don't need a lot of sleep but iv got in the habit of dropping off early in the evening and then i wake up very early,was peed off last night because i was waiting for some exhaust pipes on eBay they were up at 8.50 but i just dropped off before then them woke up after they had long gone.zak

[zakboy]

One Liners

A Corkman rushed into a police station and told the sergeant that his car had just been stolen.
'Did you get a good look at the thief?' the sergeant asked. 'No', said the Corkman, 'but I got his number"

A little Cork village had just bought a new fire engine and the local councillors were wondering what should be done with the old one.
'I've got an idea', said one councillor, 'why not keep the old engine for false alarms?'

A Corkman set up a new photographic service but it didn't work out very well.
It was called 'Rent-a-Flash-Bulb'.

Have you heard about the Kerryman who sold a £10 parking ticket to a Corkman for £5?

A Corkman read about experiments showing that the tar and nicotine in cigarettes caused cancer in rats and mice. So he put all his cigarettes on the top shelf where the rats and mice couldn't get at them.

A Corkman went to America where he became a policeman. One night he had handed out a hundred and seventy-three parking tickets before he realised that it was a drive-in movie.

How do you recognise a Cork racing driver in a big race? He makes a hundred pit stops. Three for fuel, four for tyre changes, and ninety -three to ask for directions.

How do you recognise a Corkman well versed in etiquette
He doesn't blow his soup - he fans it with his cap

A Corkman arrived at the gates of Heaven and was asked by St Peter where he was from.
'Cork', he replied proudly.
'Get to Hell out of here', said St Peter, 'surely you don't expect us to make drisheen for one'.

Have you heard about the Corkman who went to a mind reader?
He got his money back.

[zakboy]

One Liners

A new Institute for Advanced Mathematics has just been opened in Cork. Most popular courses are Fractions and Long Division.

Why has Australia got all the kangaroos and Cork got all the Corkmen?
Australia had the first choice.

Have you heard about the Cork grandmother who went on the pill?
She didn't want to have any more grandchildren.

Have you heard about the Corkman who thought that manual labour was a Spanish trade union official?

A Corkman once led from start to finish in the Olympic Marathon. However, he didn't get a medal because it was a false start.

Did you know that if a Corkman moves to Dublin he decreases the level of intelligence in both counties?

Have you heard about the Cork pilot who had an accident with his helicopter?
He thought it was a bit cold so he turned the fan off.

I've had just about enough', said a Corkman to his wife, 'the only solution is for your mother to leave and find a place of her own'
'My mother?' screamed his wife, 'I thought she was your mother'

Have you heard about the Cork explorer who paid £10 for a sheet of sandpaper?
He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

A Corkman bought a barometer and took it home but when he hung it up on the wall he found that it registered 'Hurricane'. So he took it back to the shop and complained, whereupon he was immediately given a replacement. When he arrived home he found that his house had been blown away.

[zakboy]

A Corkman who was 4 foot 3 1/2 inches tall once offered his services to a well-known circus. He claimed he was the tallest dwarf in the world.


Have you heard about the Cork doctor who was treating a patient for jaundice for over three years? He suddenly found out the fellow was Chinese. Worse still, he cured him.

How can you recognise a superstitious Corkman?
He won't work during any week with a Friday in it.

A Corkman once wrote to the Guinness Book of Records and claimed that he should be included. He explained that at one stage he had been the youngest person in the world.

One Corkman owed another £5 for over a year so he finally decided to pay up.
'Do you know', said the second Corkman, 'I'd completely forgotten that I had lent you that money'.
'If only you'd told me that', said the first Corkman, 'I could have saved myself £5'.

Have you heard about the Corkman who thought that aperatif was the French for a set of dentures?

Two Corkmen were discussing their childhood. 'When I was born', said the first Corkman, 'I weighed only four pounds'.
"That's astonishing', said the second Corkman, 'tell me, did you live?'
'Live?' said the first Corkman, 'you should see me now'.

What does a Corkman do if he gets a hole in his sock?
He turns the sock inside out.

A Corkman's coat fell down a sewer so he spent half an hour trying to fish it out again. A man passing by suggested that he abandon the coat because even if he got it out, it would never be fit to wear again. 'Oh I know that', said the Corkrnan, 'but there were three sandwiches in the pocket'.

What's the best thing that ever came out of Cork?
The road to Dublin

This fellow met a Corkman wearing only one shoe
'What's the matter' he asked him, 'have you lost a shoe?'
'No', said the Corkman, 'I've just found one'

A Corkman who lived in a remote mountain village was awoken one morning by the postman delivering a letter 'You shouldn't have come all that way just to bring me one letter', said the Corkman, 'why didn't you post it?

[zakboy]

One Liners

A Corkman became one of the world's leading surgeons. The highlight of his career came when he carried out the first appendix transplant.

First Corkman: 'I see where Murphy has just run a hundred metres in six seconds'.
Second Corkman: That's impossible, the world record is over nine seconds'.
First Corkman: 'Murphy found a shortcut'.

A Cork traffic warden explained the system of yellow lines on city streets as follows: One yellow line means no parking at all. Two yellow lines mean no parking at all at all.

A Cork blacksmith gave the following instructions to his youthful assistant:
'I'll put the red-hot iron on the anvil and when I nod my head you hit it'.

A Corkman was doing an examination to join the Civil Service. One question read:
Give first names of each of the following, STALIN, HITLER and GANDHI.
The Corkman wrote:I don't know about the first two but the answer to the third is Goosey Goosey.

Two Corkmen were waiting at a bus stop. When the bus drew up it turned out to be a one-man bus so one Corkman turned to the other and said
'You can take this bus, I'll wait for the next one'.

A Corkman sent his son to University and after some time the lad was awarded a B.A. degree. On graduation he received the following telegram from his father —
'Congratulations on getting your B.A. Now for the other 24 letters and this time for goodness sake get them in the right order'

Have you heard about the Corkman who decided to have only three children?
He heard that one in every four children born is Chinese.

A Corkman was on the Mailboat to Holyhead when a man fell overboard.
'Help', he shouted as he struggled in the water, 'drop me a line'.
'I can't', said the Corkman, 'I don't know your address'.

Two Cork bank clerks bought self-winding watches. One afternoon one bank clerk said to the other, 'these selfwinding watches aren't much good Fergal. Mine's stopped'.

A Corkman went to his dentist and told him to take all his teeth out. When the dentist had extracted the last tooth the Corkman burst out laughing and said, 'April fool, I only wanted a haircut'.

[zakboy]

A reader has been in touch with the allegedly true tale of the Italian subsidiary opened by the UK electricity company, Powergen.

The company's domain name is www.powergenitalia.com

[zakboy]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.


After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.


The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'


'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'


'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'



'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

[zakboy]

A women asks her husband for ten thousand dollars for a breast enlargement! He says "Why don't you try rubbing toilet paper in between your breasts!" She says "You think that will work?" He says "I don't know, but it worked on your arse!"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

[zakboy]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

                                                                                                                                                           A blond takes her car to a mechanic! The mechanic says 'Nothing to worry about, just sh-t in the air filter!' She says 'Brilliant, how many times do I have to do that?'

 

   Beer Prayer.

Our Beer,
Which art in Barrels.
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home, as it is in the pub.
Forgive us this day our daily spillages,
as we forgive those that spill against us.
For thine is the beer,
The Bitter and the Lager,
For ever and ever,
Barman. 
                                                                                                                                               

[kevsky]

now you've upset the christian members of this world
is there no end to your talents zaxboy