paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

"Yes brother," says Paddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew

[klogan45]

One of the kids that I teach was excluded from school today for wantonly assaulting other kids in class with a calculator, pencil, pair of compasses, and a ruler.
He was excluded for having weapons of maths disruption.

[spanners]

i got suspended from school when i was9yrs old

for assaulting the geography teacher


i threw the atlas at him

well he told me that i had to memorise and receit every place name in the index


he was called mr ,hardy,,  so i chucked summat hard at him

[zakboy]

 I offten wander how other ethnic group es tell there jokes, and on looking on some of the big joke forums i came across an asian guy called Mr G Ravishankar who is a reguler on one of the joke forums when reading his jokes i get the feeling he is a big fan of Frank carson, so the next few jokes in the thread are by MR Ravishankar........ this is exactly word for word how he wrote them                                

[zakboy]

BY MR RAViSHANKAR..... A small fella goes into a staff. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog s-it straight within the door, and he slides in it and falls more arsewards. He rises, cleans themselves above and goes to the staff and buys a beverage. A large large man enters then the staff. It slides in the same pile of s-it, falls, rises, cleans above and buys a beverage. The small chap turns a discussion, which says points to the pile of the sh-t by the door and, to the large chap and, trying to the impact up "I did that." The large chap punches it in the opening.

That one was a cracker. More next time my joke friends!

[zakboy]

BY MR RAViSHANKAR........An nice girl-lady of the Essex gets in the very nasty mangle with the car. The driving man of the illness lorry is asks 'Where is that you bleeding from?'. The nice girl-lady of the Essex replies 'Bleeding Romford please my very good buddy-man!"

That one was the cracker. More next time, funny fans.

[zakboy]

BY MR RAVISHANKAR.......  the very good cracker this one
Hello funny joke chums this is the latest of the funniest joke.

A man of the Pakistani walk into the frying fish chippery house, and he say of the chippery person "please sir how are you cooking of chips in here please?".

The chippery man replys of "infatuation, ba-tard".

The nice pakistani man is not getting the understand of this, as he say that he is not being in love and his parents were of marriage at his born.


Ha! Ha! That was one was the cracker! More next time.

[zakboy]

BY MR RAVISHAKAR..... Hello everybody my joking lover friendly people.

My naming G Ravishankar and I am here for the tickle of your joking buds with the funny ha-ha!

This one is the brilliant cracker and has the laughing all up and down of the aisles. Hee hee!

A male boy goes up to a nice ladygirl in a beer room and is says, "You are want to play the game 'Magic'?"

The very nice ladygirl in the beer room saying back, "What would this be?"

The very pleasing male boy saying back, "We would go to my house and do of the f**k very nicely, and then when we are over you are disappear."

Ho ho punster fans, it is the way I am telling them. More next time.

[zakboy]

I think its definitely the way he tells um

[zakboy]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, & Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first & came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"


Tom Thumb went next & emerged triumphant,

"I am officially the smallest person in the world."


Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused & simply stated,

"Who the f-- k is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[zakboy]

whats the diffrence in a 69 and driving in fog.........you cant see the ars--hole in front driving in fog

[zakboy]

A destitue young woman decides to run away to America to seek her fortune, and heads for the docks.

She quickly realises that that her plan was not particularly well thought out... she can't afford passage on a ship, and she is not qualified to get a job on one. Dejected, she returns home to London and prepares to throw herself from a bridge into the Thames.

A young man sees her and pulls her back just as she is about to jump.

"What on Earth are you doing? Why does a lovely young girl like you want to kill herself?" He asks.

"I have nothing to live for. I come from a poor family, I have no education, no job, no prospects at all. I wanted to go to America to seek my fortune, but I can't get there. I hate my life and I want to end it."
The girl bursts into tears and the young man is quite moved by her plight.

"I think I can help you" he says. "I am a sailor, and I think I can sneak you aboard my ship and hide you in one of the lifeboats. I'll bring you food and drink every day, and keep you company at night."

"What do you mean, keep me company?" she asks, suspiciously.

"Well, it is an all male crew, it's a long voyage and I do have my needs. You do me a favour and I'll do you a favour."

Not seeing that she has a choice, the girl agrees, and later that night, the sailor takes her onto the ship and hides her in a lifeboat. Every day, he brings her food and drink, and every night she sees to his physical needs.

All goes well for a fortnight or so until one day, the captain discovers the girl during a random inspection.

"What are you doing in there?" he asks?

"I want to get to America to seek my fortune, and one of your crewmen helped me to stow away on this ship. He gave me some of his bedding and every day he brings me food and drink."

"Well, that was very nice of him" says the captain. "So what's in it for him?"

"Ah, well" she says, her face reddening with embarassment, "He's been screwing me."

"He certainly has, love" the captain replies, "This is the Woolwich Ferry!"

[Cabman77]

A destitue young woman decides to run away to America to seek her fortune, and heads for the docks.

She quickly realises that that her plan was not particularly well thought out... she can't afford passage on a ship, and she is not qualified to get a job on one. Dejected, she returns home to London and prepares to throw herself from a bridge into the Thames.

A young man sees her and pulls her back just as she is about to jump.

"What on Earth are you doing? Why does a lovely young girl like you want to kill herself?" He asks.

"I have nothing to live for. I come from a poor family, I have no education, no job, no prospects at all. I wanted to go to America to seek my fortune, but I can't get there. I hate my life and I want to end it."
The girl bursts into tears and the young man is quite moved by her plight.

"I think I can help you" he says. "I am a sailor, and I think I can sneak you aboard my ship and hide you in one of the lifeboats. I'll bring you food and drink every day, and keep you company at night."

"What do you mean, keep me company?" she asks, suspiciously.

"Well, it is an all male crew, it's a long voyage and I do have my needs. You do me a favour and I'll do you a favour."

Not seeing that she has a choice, the girl agrees, and later that night, the sailor takes her onto the ship and hides her in a lifeboat. Every day, he brings her food and drink, and every night she sees to his physical needs.

All goes well for a fortnight or so until one day, the captain discovers the girl during a random inspection.

"What are you doing in there?" he asks?

"I want to get to America to seek my fortune, and one of your crewmen helped me to stow away on this ship. He gave me some of his bedding and every day he brings me food and drink."

"Well, that was very nice of him" says the captain. "So what's in it for him?"

"Ah, well" she says, her face reddening with embarassment, "He's been screwing me."

"He certainly has, love" the captain replies, "This is the Woolwich Ferry!"

That brings back some very happy memories........................the woolwich ferry, not screwin` a girl on it.......................though now I come to think of it!!!!!!!!!

[zakboy]

LOL

[Clive]

How long were you in the lifeboat Cabby??