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bitzman5
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« Reply #2280 on: February 20, 2012, 07:19:17 PM » |
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
2.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
3.
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
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May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
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zakboy
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« Reply #2281 on: February 21, 2012, 06:50:39 AM » |
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me and me brother paddy have turned criminal. we've just spent a whole month sanding down the edges of 50 pence pieces.
you should see our bag full of fake 20s. its bursting at the seams.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2282 on: February 21, 2012, 06:52:11 AM » |
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My neighbour has been in the Guinness book of world records for having concussion 44 times in two years. I say neighbour, he lives rather close to me. In fact, just a stones throw away.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2283 on: February 21, 2012, 06:53:25 AM » |
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I was chatting with this extremely hot blonde girl in a bar, when out of nowhere she asked if I had a mobile phone.
"Of course" I replied.
"In which case, can I have your number?" she winked.
"Sure" I said, "But you'll only get annoying calls from my Mum"
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2284 on: February 21, 2012, 06:55:58 AM » |
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how can you spot a blindman in a nudist camp?
it aint hard!
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2285 on: February 21, 2012, 06:58:50 AM » |
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If you ever hear your parents say, "We like recycled items."
Then you're adopted.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2286 on: February 21, 2012, 07:00:27 AM » |
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I use to go out with this really fridgid blonde girl, she said she didn't want me to take her virginity!
I found a way around it though, I promised to give it back after we were done.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2287 on: February 21, 2012, 07:13:43 AM » |
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What does an 80 year old woman have between her legs that a young woman doesn't?
Her t-ts
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zakboy
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« Reply #2288 on: February 21, 2012, 07:14:43 AM » |
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My son told me that today at school the teacher said "tell me something about Damascus"
My son raised his hand and said it kills 99% of household germs
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2289 on: February 21, 2012, 07:15:40 AM » |
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I saw a massive road accident yesterday, and I have to say that I've never seen skid-marks like it - mind you, not surprising, it did scare the sh-t out of me...
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zakboy
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« Reply #2290 on: February 21, 2012, 07:16:25 AM » |
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Baron Frankenstein has given up his ambition to be an actor.
He couldn't get the parts.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2291 on: February 21, 2012, 07:17:55 AM » |
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2292 on: February 21, 2012, 01:00:39 PM » |
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Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the
undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what
they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased
young woman.
Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast.
The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast.
The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's very
private part.
Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body.
He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked
up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United
Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more
closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.
By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked,
"Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or
something?"
The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one
out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's
an a******e under it."
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zakboy
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« Reply #2293 on: February 22, 2012, 02:14:13 PM » |
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My boss reckons I'm a s**t driver just because of one small incident when I went up a curb.
I've only been working for Virgin Rail for three weeks.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2294 on: February 22, 2012, 02:15:37 PM » |
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I picked up a randy couple from a nightclub in my taxi yesterday and the girl asked "Do you mind if we have sex in the back of your car?"
I said "I don't mind, but won't your boyfriend get the hump?"
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