paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.

The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.

Michael says, "I played  in the sand box to ."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." 

[zakboy]

West Midlands police are looking for a "chav attacker".

I phoned the information line but apparently its not a job advertisement!

[zakboy]

They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience.

Maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much.

[zakboy]

The England football team visited an orphanage in Poland today.

"It's heartbreaking seeing all their sad little faces without a hope in the world".

Said Igor, aged 6.

[zakboy]

Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turned to the first two and said, "Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!"

The two men were dumbfounded. "Wow that's incredible! What happened next?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, "Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

[zakboy]

I love those peaceful moments I spend with my wife.

It usually happens when she has to draw breath between sentences.

[bitzman5]

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one
     of them would have seen it.

     2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
     marijuana, press the hash key...'

     3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
     shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

     4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I
     couldn't find any.

     5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
     in.

     6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
     Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
     The doctor replied, I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

     7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

      8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in
     the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
     kayak and heat it.

     9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
     with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

     10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
     head.
     Doc says I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

     11. Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home's
     That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
     Is it common?'
     It's not unusual.'

     12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. My dog is cross-eyed, is
     there anything you can do for him?'
     Well,' said the vet, let's have a look at him
     So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
     teeth.. Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down.'
     What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
     No, because he's really heavy

     13. Guy goes into the doctor's. Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
     my bottom.'
     How's that?'
     Don't you start.'

     14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

     15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you
     give me a lift?'
     I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

     16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
     people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
     my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu..
     But I think it's Colin.

     17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round.' The
     other one says So are you, you fat bastard!'

     18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
     acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
     the other one off.

     19. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
     They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, Parking Fine.' So
     that was nice.'

     20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, I've hurt my arm in
     several places
     The doctor said, Well don't go there any more

     21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
     small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
     and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that
     number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[bitzman5]

I Love this doctor!

Description: Description:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HELL-OOO!!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[zakboy]

  :

[zakboy]

Grow your own vegetables.

Drink heavily when pregnant.

[bitzman5]

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's
store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's. Better watch what you
ask older people. They have all the time in the world to think of
daft things to say.

[bitzman5]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed

two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,
"I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who
had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with
"Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for
our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and May God be with you."
But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong
side of the bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated
look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching,
step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had
plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary,
I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong?"
I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

[bitzman5]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

 

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?"

 

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie

comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

 

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband

arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in

your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

 

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She

says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk,

I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water

does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[bitzman5]

Three men - a Canadian farmer,
Osama bin Laden
and a Biker
are all walking together one day.They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in Canada to be forever fertile.'POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.Osama was amazed, so he said: 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'The Biker sits down on his Harley,cracks a beer,lights a cigar,smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[bitzman5]

    There I was

    sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making

    biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one

    swig.

    "Well,

    whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says,

    menacingly, as I burst into tears.

    "Come on,

    man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.

    I can't stand to see a man

    crying."

    "This is the worst day of

    my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and

    my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had

    been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the

    cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ...  and then my dog

    bit me."  "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end

    to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching

    the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn

    thing!

    But,

    hell, enough about me, how are you doing today?"