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zakboy
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« Reply #2625 on: October 06, 2012, 09:04:09 PM » |
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Paddy's suing is local baker for forging his name on his hot cross buns
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2626 on: October 20, 2012, 04:50:09 AM » |
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A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!"
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2627 on: October 21, 2012, 07:04:27 PM » |
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Paddy and Murphy are taking a walk when they reach a steep hill.
"I'll race you up that hill, Murphy and if I get there first, I'll write my name out on the floor", says Paddy.
"You're on, mate, but if I get there first, I'm gonna rub it out!", says Murphy.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2628 on: December 16, 2012, 08:41:35 PM » |
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When I went for a visa to go to Australia they asked if I had a criminal record.
I said i dint no know you still needed one!
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2629 on: December 16, 2012, 11:43:04 PM » |
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Bath Night
A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.....
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave"?
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs"?
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it"?
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."?
"Why not"? she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"!!!
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May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2630 on: December 16, 2012, 11:45:03 PM » |
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A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
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May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2631 on: December 16, 2012, 11:46:21 PM » |
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2632 on: December 16, 2012, 11:48:59 PM » |
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I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from
the f**king miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!
After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know.
She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards
with no sense of humour!!
Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large,
breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20
years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still f**king celebrating"
The Queens Royal Corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at The Palace as
they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa!
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her
knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform,
he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently,
'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder
and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to
go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find
that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
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May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
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zakboy
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« Reply #2633 on: December 18, 2012, 07:51:25 AM » |
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The Japanese government finally sent a big thank you to the UK government today for supplying the search and rescue dog's during the tragic earth quakes in japan.......they said they were Delicious
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2634 on: December 18, 2012, 07:23:03 PM » |
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Apparently, if vanessa feltz went on hunger strike, she would still manage to die of old age!
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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klogan45
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« Reply #2635 on: December 19, 2012, 05:24:06 PM » |
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag
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Confucius say woman who flies upside down has crack up!
He who holds The Angle Grinder of Destiny holds the fate of bikekind in his hands.
Where did that 13mm spanner go then?
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zakboy
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« Reply #2636 on: December 19, 2012, 05:42:55 PM » |
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2637 on: December 19, 2012, 09:23:18 PM » |
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My kids keep on taking the p*ss out my Alzheimer's.
Wait till the cheeky sods wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2638 on: December 19, 2012, 09:29:16 PM » |
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I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat."
"Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?"
"Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2639 on: December 19, 2012, 09:32:15 PM » |
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As I walked along the street with my mate, I suddenly stopped beside a tree and said, "Look, a missing poster."
"What poster?" he asked.
"Exactly," I said.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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