Centipede

[BikerGran]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box & decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"


A little voice came out of the box:...........

 

 

 

 

 





"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fu****g shoes on."

 

[Manky Monkey]

A top London hotel is hosting an international chess convention. After the day's play is over the contestants are relaxing in the bar & bragging about their gaming skills. As the drink flows they become more & more rowdy, their stories of strategies & game plans becoming louder & more exagerated until finally the receptionist snaps & throws them all out.
After a string of complaints the manager takes the receptionist to one side in the morning & asks how she could be so rude to the guests, especially at Christmas, a time of goodwill to all men.
"Well", she exclaimed, "If there's one thing I can't stand it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".