paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Two Jewish businessmen were discussing insurance. "You need fire insurance,
burglary insurance and flood insurance."
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the other, "but the flood
insurance? How do you start a flood?"

[zakboy]

Irish guy walks into a cake shop and asks the shopkeeper "How much are the buns?"
The owner replies by saying "2 for 1 pound".
So the Irish man asks "How much for 1?"
The shop owner replies "75p"
The Irish man says "Right, I'll have the other one then."

[zakboy]

An Irishman bumped into a prostitute. She said to him, "If you've got 70 pounds, I've got the time."

"70 pounds!" Said the Irishman. "There's no way I'm paying that much for a watch."

[zakboy]

Keyring - A handy device which allows you to loose all your keys at the same fu**ing time.

[one arm bandit]

ive had my current car just over 2yr ive never took the keys out of the ignition.     funny thing is i took them out of the trike and the engine was on the kitchen table

[zakboy]

 

[bitzman5]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! My Goodness!
Ye scared me half to death, girl.
I thought ye said Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug...

[bitzman5]

Kissing a Biker Girl

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly retired Navy Master Chief, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sweetened kiss for over a minute. Not only was the kiss amazing but the way her body spooned against his took his breath away.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! Thatttt that –he stuttered- that was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
 

"because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......."

[bitzman5]

 


A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.


He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.   He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.

It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.

I won't  put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150  refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.


His funeral is this Thursday.


 

[one arm bandit]

 

[bitzman5]

Baptising  An Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.  He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and  asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this.....)

.
.
.
.

The drunk staggers upright, wipes  his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[bitzman5]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What  happened?   You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the  pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that  before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit  with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well,  OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate  explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a  sword fight. My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook
but I'm  fine, really."

"What about  that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a  flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them s**t in my  eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose  an eye just from bird s**t."


"It was my first day with the  hook."

[zakboy]

According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden's compound, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading.

Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn't commit suicide

[klogan45]

The staff at school did a play for the kids last year, Dracula, I got the lead role.
I really enjoyed it too, scaring the kids was a big bonus too.
We had some primary kids in school who will be coming to us in september, so I put up some pictures in my classroom of me with my Dracula get up on. I put a sign on the board saying "Here I am dressed up like a count".
One of the kids was looking a bit puzzled so I asked him what was wrong, and said there was no need to be frightened as I'm not really a vampire.
The kid said " How come you can be a teacher when you can't spell"?

[zakboy]