paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

I went into an Irish pub today and bought a pint of Guinness.

The barman gave me £17.10 change.

I said, "I gave you a fiver mate."

He said, "No you didn't, it was definitely a twenty, nice try though!"

[zakboy]

Murphy said to paddy "What the fu-k are you doing talking into an envelope?

Paddy "I'm sending a voice-mail you thick tw-t"

[zakboy]

Paddy was dragged in for his blood test during a paternity suit. He went into the doctor's office terribly nervous, but came out smiling and confident.
"Why are you so happy, Paddy?" his friend asked.
"I have nothing ta worry about now. Stupid feckin' doctor took samples from me finger!"

[zakboy]

One night, paddy was feeling a little horny, so he hires a hooker for the night.
They go back to his place when, paddy realises he doesn't have a jonny. So, instead of bothering to go get one, he just goes ahead with it.

After some of the best sex of his life paddy rolls over and looks the hooker in the eyes.

"Ive just thought" he said. "you don't have AIDs do you?"
"no" says the hooker, "why"

"good", says paddy, "i wouldn't want it twice!"

[zakboy]

Rescuers searching for survivors in the rubble of a hotel at the recent Haiti earthquake
heard an Irish voice shouting for help.
''What's your name?'' asked a helper.
''Paddy'' came the reply.
''Where are you?'' the helper asked.
''Room 236''.

[zakboy]

Paddy is doing a crossword and ask's Mick,

'How do you spell paint?' To which Mick replies,

'What colour?'

[zakboy]

Paddy goes into Currys with a box under his arm and says to the assistant "I want a refund on my Printer"

"What's wrong?" asks the assistant.

"I can't find where to put the ink and smoke pours out every time I try to load the paper"
Paddy says as he undoes the Box.

"That's because it's a toaster" says the assistant

[zakboy]

A depressed Paddy tried to gas himself,

He jumped into the north sea.

[zakboy]

The judge read out the charges to Murphy and asked, ' Are you the defendant in this case? '
Murphy replied, ' No sir ,I've got a lawyer to do the defending .I'm the one that done it. '

[zakboy]

Paddy and Seamus in a pickup truck drove to the timberyard. Paddy walked in to the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"Paddy said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.""All right. How long do you need them?"Paddy paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."After a while, Paddy returned to the office and said,"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[zakboy]

Paddy says to Mick "Oi've got sometin' stuck in me throat and oi can't breath properly!"
Mick says "Are yer choakin?"
Paddy replies "No, I'm feckin serious!"

[zakboy]

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his pe-is stuck in a condom
machine.
They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push
knob in'

[zakboy]

Paddy and Murphy were on Incapacity benefit claiming to be deaf they were sent for a check up, Paddy comes out and says , "crafty ba-tards caught me out,he told me to close the door and i
did", Murphy says " thanks for warning me....... il  tell him to close it his self den "

[bitzman5]

Texting for Seniors
 

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD:   At The Doctor's
BFF:   Best Friend Fainted
BTW:   Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT:   Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:   Covered By Medicare
CGU:   Can't get up
CUATSC:   See You At The Senior Center
DWI:   Driving While Incontinent
FWB:   Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW:   Forgot Where I Was
FYI:   Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:   Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:   Got Heartburn Again
HGBM:   Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:   Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO:   Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:   Living On Lipitor
LWO:   Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR:   On My Massage Recliner
OMSG:   Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU:   Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL:   Talk To You Louder
WAITT:   Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:   Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:   Where's The Prunes?
WWNO:   Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI:   (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

[bitzman5]

Paddy on phone to Police.."I think I've accidentally killed my wife".
Police.."Now calm down Sir and the first thing to do is make sure she's actually dead"
BANG!
Paddy.."Done that, what's next?