paddy & murphy

[bitzman5]

 

[bitzman5]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this  most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the  springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'


'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is  ze.... Four-sprung  Duck technique'

[zakboy]

When watching the Titanic for the first time I thought...

"Theres no way the boat will actually sink, there is over 10 main characters on board"

[zakboy]

Whats the smallest Hotel in the world? the fan-y as you have to leave your bag out side

[zakboy]

I went to visit my wife in hospital today.

I pointed to the next bed and said, "What's with the curtains drawn?"

She said, "They've just brought him in, unconscious. Apparently some kind of cooking accident."

I said, "What happened?"

She said, "I'm not exactly sure. I heard the doctor mention he'd fallen into a korma."

[zakboy]

A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

[zakboy]

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

[zakboy]

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "f*** off Gates, I'm in a meeting"

[bitzman5]

Scottish Diplomacy & Muslims‏




One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City councilor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what He thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel Shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is Negative and make sure his nuts are wet.
 
1. If you refine heroin for a living,
But you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. If you own a Ł3,000 machine gun and Ł5,000 rocket launcher, But you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, But consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone You haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. If you consider television dangerous, But routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones Have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. If you have nothing against women And think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim


 

[bitzman5]

This is a collection of letters sent to a South of England Newspaper who had asked for examples of stupidity

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1 My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No2 We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'We haven't used Garador repair since.  Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No3 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No 4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened at Luton Airport
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6 The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde) 
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No7 When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!' His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire. 
 
STAY ALERT!  They walk among us. AND THEY BREED

[Clive]

Love them!!!

The first one reminds me of my favourite game in McD's, and it goes along these lines!!!

Mcd employee- good morning how can I help?

Me- can I have fifteen chicken nuggets please?

Mcd employee- I'm sorry sir, we only do 6, 9, or 20

Me- well, give me a six and a nine then!!!! I can see why you work here now!!


Try it, it works EVERY time!!!

[zakboy]

Louis Walsh was in the ring ready to have a charity boxing match

He looked over to the other corner and said "oh great i can't wait to smash Simon Cowell all over this fecking ring"
 his corner man say's "what make you think its Simon Cowell your fighting?"

Louis say's " well its fecking obvious, there he is there, with the skinny legs and that fecking stupid flat head"

his corner man says" Louis you thick twat  that's the fu-king stool"

[zakboy]

After years of expensive and dangerous work at the site of the Titanic shipwreck,
Irish experts have finally raised the iceberg.


I stopped and asked a paddy if there was a 24 hour garage in town?

He said, "No,but theres a Tesco one that's been there for years."

[zakboy]

Paddy tells Mrs Dunn that he's going on holiday to London.

"My Seamus moved to London six months ago, but he hasn't written me one letter", Mrs Dunn tells him.

"That's terrible" says Paddy, "give me his address and i'll give him a piece of my mind while i'm there."

Mrs Dunn looks in her bag but can only find the first part of the postcode, WC1. "It's not much to go on" says Paddy, but he promises to do his best.

Two hours later, Paddy is walking through the arrivals lounge at Gatwick airport when he sees a sign saying WC.

He can't believe his luck, storms inside and hammers on the door of cubicle 1.

ARE YOU DUNN!? he shouts.

"Yes", replies a startled voice, "but I haven't got any paper."

"Fu-k off" says Paddy, "that's still no excuse for not writing to your Mother!"

[zakboy]

Paddy got himself a Thai Wife and they had a little baby,

Paddy was unsure of the ethnicity of his new son,

so on the birth certificate he wrote "Corkasian"