paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall.
He asks the owner, "What time do you get in by?"
The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"
Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you!"
The owner replies, "No, you thick tw*t! It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am!"

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 and 8.

where you get all these from

Ge sent a lot of um 

[zakboy]

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester.
The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and says, "HELP! HELP! Easter, News Year's Eve, Bank holiday Monday, Pancake Tuesday, Halloween, Bonfire night!"
A voice comes back and says, "For fu*k's sake, Paddy, it's Mayday."

[zakboy]

Paddy goes to the bank to enquire about a loan.
The teller says, "I'm sorry, but the loan arranger isn't in the office today."
"Okay," says Paddy, "can I speak to Tonto then?"

[zakboy]

Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your sergeant over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[zakboy]

Two Irish men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the youngest Irishman asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?"

The second Irishman replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday."

[zakboy]

Paddy shows his blonde girlfriend the 'L' and 'R' labels in his Wellies, explaining that they mean 'Left' and 'Right'...."Oh!" She says "now I understand the C & A label in my thong!"

[zakboy]

19 Irishmen go to a Film

The woman asks "Why so many of you?"

One says "The film said over 18 only!"

[zakboy]

Paddy and Sean went duck hunting. Paddy shot at a flying bird, and it dropped dead at his feet. Sean turned to him and said. 'You could have saved yourself a shot there Paddy. From that height, the fall alone would have killed it.' 

[zakboy]

After 100 yrs at the bottom of the Atlantic, Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool of the Titanic was still full.

[bitzman5]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
But she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"Sod that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English".
"I'm from just across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us!"


Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b* stard's sent me a magnifying glass!



My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... Then I was petrified..


What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

A wife says to her husband, "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says, "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said, "You're obviously not listening".


Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.


I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It’s me talking to the beer".


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Hi I don't want you to panic, but I’m texting you from Accident & Emergency.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[bitzman5]

Learning Thru Television Programs‏


An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
 








 











 






 
















 
 
 
 
 

 











 






 
















 
 
 
 
 

[bitzman5]

This will warm your heart.........

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,  "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,  "Did I do it all wrong?  Is God cross with me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my grandson and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal and my grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life...
He picked up his ice cream and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he said to her,  "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch! "

[bitzman5]

SMART ASS

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only
a few shelves set up.  One said to the other, "I bet any minute  now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and 
ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and 
in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"   
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two left."
 
Moral:  DON'T MESS WITH OLD  PEOPLE

[bitzman5]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy."Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.""That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
 

[bitzman5]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

 I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.