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zakboy
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« Reply #2475 on: April 05, 2012, 02:43:52 PM » |
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As I sat and watched my numbers come up on the Lottery jumping for joy I thought, the first thing I'm going to do is fill my car with fuel.
Then my dreams were shattered as they announced that there had been two lucky jackpot winners.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2476 on: April 05, 2012, 02:47:52 PM » |
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Was in the pub last night and I got talking to this midget at the bar. It turned out he was the dwarf strongman at the travelling circus and he was on a night off. We seemed to hit it off and had a right good chat and eventually the photos came out. I showed him a picture of my wife and kids first.
"She's a good looking woman." he commented. "This is my missus" he said, thrusting a photo into my face.
Well, I very nearly lost my last pint as I gazed upon the most hideous fat tw*t I'd ever seen, with a massive beard hanging down her tattoo'd chest.
"Err, she's lovely", I stammered. "Any kids?"
"Actually, she's pregnant with our first." he told me. "Due in a few weeks."
"Are you hoping for a boy, or a girl?" I asked.
"Oh we don't care really" he said.
"As long as it fits in a cannon."
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zakboy
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« Reply #2477 on: April 05, 2012, 02:53:41 PM » |
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Samantha Brick is suing Monopoly after picking up the Chance card that says 'You have won second prize in a beauty contest'.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2478 on: April 05, 2012, 02:55:48 PM » |
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My girlfriend has started to nickname my pen*s Jesus, I asked "is it because having sex with me is a religous experience?" She replied "nah, it just takes 3 days to rise".
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2479 on: April 06, 2012, 04:29:00 PM » |
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An Irishman walks into a bar holding a lump of dog sh*t.
"Jesus, I'm a lucky fu*ker. Look what I nearly stepped in!"
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zakboy
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« Reply #2480 on: April 06, 2012, 04:35:46 PM » |
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Twenty three people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin.
Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first NO MORE NAILS bomb
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zakboy
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« Reply #2481 on: April 06, 2012, 04:36:21 PM » |
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Paddy is being interviewed for a job in the Metropolitan Police Department,
"Paddy....you are undercover....it's the middle of the night....your cover is blown and you're being chased by a car full of terrorists at 80 mph.....what should you do?"
"Uhhh......90 mph" said Paddy.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2482 on: April 06, 2012, 04:37:22 PM » |
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NEWSFLASH!
The Irish government have announced that, as of next week, all cars in Ireland will now drive on the right hand side of the road.
If this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2483 on: April 06, 2012, 05:21:55 PM » |
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Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 and 8.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2484 on: April 06, 2012, 06:10:55 PM » |
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There was never really a potato famine Ireland, its just Nobody ever told them that they grow underground.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2485 on: April 06, 2012, 06:15:58 PM » |
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if any one is offended by jokes about the Irish potato famine.................. the complaints tel number is 0800 1 potato 2 potato 3 potato 4
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zakboy
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« Reply #2486 on: April 06, 2012, 06:22:07 PM » |
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Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall.
He asks the owner, "What time do you get in by?"
The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"
Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you!"
The owner replies, "No, you thick tw*t! It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am!"
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zakboy
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« Reply #2487 on: April 06, 2012, 06:24:51 PM » |
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in 1898, an Irishman invented the toilet seat.
1899, an Englishman put a hole in it.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2488 on: April 07, 2012, 11:08:05 PM » |
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An Irishman got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.
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one arm bandit
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« Reply #2489 on: April 07, 2012, 11:14:56 PM » |
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Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall.
He asks the owner, "What time do you get in by?"
The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"
Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you!"
The owner replies, "No, you thick tw*t! It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am!"
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 and 8.
 where you get all these from |
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