paddy & murphy

[Shafty]

    Ha, I like that one.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."

 

[zakboy]

"Doctor," says Bob, "I think my son has a problem. He spends all day playing in his sandpit."

"There's nothing wrong with that," says the doctor.

"That's what the wife says, but our daughter-in-law doesn't like it and says she wants a divorce." 

[bitzman5]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[zakboy]

I'm proud of the misses, she did her bit for earth hour.
She took the batteries out of her vibrator.

[zakboy]

been getting some dirty looks recently because of the age gap between me and my 19 yr old girlfriend.
i dont see the problem myself, we hve lots in common, for instance she's into hip hop and im waiting to have one .

[zakboy]

Before the start of the game, my manager took me to one side and said, "If you don't perform, I'll pull you off at half time."

I said, "Really boss? We only got a slice of orange at my last club."

[zakboy]

"Eat me, Baby!" she screamed, her legs flailing in the air.

"I'd love to," I said, "but it looks like you've overdone it with the ketchup."       

[Shafty]

     oooh, that was just nasty. Think I feel a bit sick now. ( or maybe thats just all the jaffa cakes i've just eaten)

[zakboy]

My ex-girlfriend works in a petrol station and when our relationship ended it really upset me. Now everytime I drive past where she works I can't help filling up.

[zakboy]

i went to alcoholic anonymous yesterday

we took it in turns to say our names and that we were alcoholics .........


some anonymous meeting

[zakboy]

I hear Tom Daley is looking for a new partner for the Olympic synchronised diving event. Apparently Andy Carroll is his first choice.

[zakboy]

English - a language spoken & understood by 1.8 billion people worldwide

Spanish - a language spoken & understood by 500 million people worldwide

Dalglish - a language spoken & understood by only 1 man

[zakboy]

"We take it as it comes."

Well, that's the motto of my sperm bank.

[zakboy]

My wife is leaving me because I complained about the state of the house...

whilst I was wiping my feet on the way out. 

[zakboy]

1261352
I am currently with my new girlfriend visiting her parents house and after a few to many lagers, I was desperate to use the toilet.

I whispered to my girlfriend that I needed to go but that her dad was in there.

"Go out in the garden and go down the drain", she said.

I've got to say that I've never felt so relieved, but the drain cover is blocked and I've got nothing to wipe my ar*e with.