paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

My wife's just packed her bags and stormed off out shouting that she's leaving me for a masseur.

Who's rubbed her up the wrong way?

[bitzman5]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
 
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
 
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
 
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
 
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
 
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
 The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
 So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
 Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

[bitzman5]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot. She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[bitzman5]

A Leeds man walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.

 He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41.
 The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman,
 "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled...

While you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?
 
The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return”

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman...
This is why they survive

[bitzman5]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot"!

[zakboy]

Remember to use commas! It's knowing the difference between 'helping your uncle jack off a horse' and 'helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse'

[zakboy]

I took some money from the wife without her knowing, I took it down to a brothel and paid for sex.
My mates think it's wrong but I think I'm like Robin hood in a sense...Stealing from the bitch and giving to the hoer!

[zakboy]

You know a girls too fat to have sex with when you pull her pants down to her ankles, and her ass is still in them.

[zakboy]

I asked my 'under the thumb' friend if he wanted to come on holiday with me to the largest state in America..

He said, 'I'm not sure that I'll be allowed but Alaska.'

[zakboy]

Liverpool have asked the FA if flares are permitted at Wembley on Sunday.

Apparently the last time they were there, everyone was wearing them!

[zakboy]

As the 'great' nations of the world bring us ever closer to nuclear annihilation, George Bush was asked his opinion on global politics, particularly the rise of China. Reporters were stunned when he responded positively. He said China is absolutely stunning, beautifully decorated and it would be missed should it ever fragment...

And he particularly enjoys drinking out of it when he has tea with the Queen. 

[zakboy]

Rangers have stated that they will not be receiving the same amount of money from televised matches next season.

They hardly expected the history channel to pay as good Sky Sports.

[zakboy]

For lent, I have decided to give up sexual innuendos.

It's so hard.

[bitzman5]

Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
- You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
- Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
- Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
- Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
- You don't have to pay maintenance to an ex-motorcycle.
- If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
- If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
- If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a silencer.
- If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
- Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
- Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
- Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
- Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
- Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
- Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
- Motorcycles don't have parents.
- Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
- You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
- When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
- You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
- You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
- You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
- You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
- You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
- Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike more enjoyable.
- Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
- Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
 
 
 

[bitzman5]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about It.

It takes ten seconds and costs £5. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits five euros and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits £5, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.