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zakboy
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« Reply #2250 on: February 17, 2012, 12:10:36 PM » |
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2251 on: February 17, 2012, 03:51:25 PM » |
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Just when I thought I had got away with poisoning my wife, the Police found some compelling evidence and charged me with her murder.
The proof was in the pudding.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2252 on: February 17, 2012, 03:57:59 PM » |
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I walked into the pet shop yesterday and saw an old mate working there. I said, "alright Davey, don't you work in Burger King anymore then?"
"Nah, moved on since then. What can I get you?"
"Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog."
"Do you want flies with that?"
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2253 on: February 17, 2012, 04:01:34 PM » |
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Doctors in this country get a bad press, but for our local doctor, nothing is too much trouble.
Three times in the past week, I've come home from work to find him tending to my wife upstairs.
I mean, how many doctors would be that caring to make three seperate trips over an ingrowing toenail?
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2254 on: February 17, 2012, 04:04:16 PM » |
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my wife accused me of over using the silent treatment
I didn't justify her with a response
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2255 on: February 17, 2012, 04:06:05 PM » |
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Why did the cat cross the road?
Because my football's got a puncture.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2256 on: February 17, 2012, 04:09:04 PM » |
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13 years I've had tinnitus but it's disappeared today.
Coincidentally my wife has just run off with the neighbour...
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2257 on: February 17, 2012, 04:13:33 PM » |
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Girl's wear so much make up nowadays,
My Daughter laughed at a joke the other day,
and 10 minutes later her face was still smiling.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2258 on: February 17, 2012, 04:14:10 PM » |
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My wife left me because I don't pay attention to her.
Or something like that.
I'm not sure what she said to me.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2259 on: February 17, 2012, 04:20:18 PM » |
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David Cameron's attempts to keep Scotland from gaining independence looked to have hit trouble yesterday when Mel Gibson was seen boarding a plane to Glasgow.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2260 on: February 17, 2012, 04:23:37 PM » |
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My wife got really piss-d off today because I kept dropping random women's names into every sentence.
I said, "so Sue me."
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2261 on: February 17, 2012, 04:25:39 PM » |
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My doctor asked me what my digestive system was like.
I said "Like everybody else's. I take the biscuit, dunk it in my tea, then eat it."
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2262 on: February 17, 2012, 09:47:16 PM » |
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May your gardian angel fly faster than you can ride
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2263 on: February 17, 2012, 09:59:30 PM » |
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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
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you know what's coming don't you ?
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she flew off, saying.......
"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !!
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bitzman5
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« Reply #2264 on: February 17, 2012, 10:00:37 PM » |
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A lady is helping her husband installing his computer, then having completed that successfully, she said that he now should have a password that he would easily remember, so that he would be able to use his computer when it asked him his password.
Being a bit of a He man, he winks at his wife and says "penis", and as he enters the password and presses the mouse button, his wife bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter.......
The computer responded: "Too Short" entry refused
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