paddy & murphy

[Shafty]

A pirate was talking to a man in a bar. The man noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The man just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the man asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The man asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

[zakboy]

another good one shafty 

[zakboy]

A friend told me to lose some weight 'because society judges you if your bones don't stick out'.
... so I walked around town with an erection

[zakboy]

I saw a taxi parked at the side of the road so I opened the door and there was a woman sitting there, so I asked, "Can I share a taxi with you love?"

"What do you mean? It's my taxi."

"Ah I see. How much to let me drive to the airport then?"

[zakboy]

I was mortified when I caught my dad dressed up in my mum's clothes for the first time.

That skirt with those shoes?

[zakboy]

My mate phoned me this morning and said "I'm really proud of you for turning up at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night."

I thought "Ah, so that's where I was."

[zakboy]

Not saying lawyers nowadays are parasites or anything, but I saw one at the fairground yesterday, handing out whiplash claim forms to people getting off the dodgems.

[zakboy]

A women enters an ice cream parlour and says to the clerk I'll have some chocolate ice cream please, the clerk replies sorry were out of chocolate ice cream, the women replies oh in that case I'll have the chocolate please! The clerk thought she didn't hear him correctly and says sorry we're out of chocolate ma'am. The women says in that case I'll have the chocolate then! The clerk being really annoyed says spell VAN! As in the vanilla! The women goes V-A-N. now spell STRAW as in strawberry! The women replies S-T-R-A-W. now spell FU-K as in chocolate! Looking a bit puzzled the women replies there is no fu-k in chocolate? The clerk replies THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!

[zakboy]

I only had 4 pints last night and this morning I've got a terrible hangover.

That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.

[zakboy]

My wife just told me I was the most gullible man on the planet.

Hardly...£50 for a piece of the iceberg that sank the Titanic sounds a good deal to me

[zakboy]

I wanted to take the trash out the other night but she said she was feeling ill. 

[zakboy]

My mate said "i've just been to the graveyard"

"Awh who's dead" i asked

"All of them" he replied

CHEEKY TW-T! 

[zakboy]

The Murphys are giving their first dinner party in their posh new house. Once most of the guests have left, Mrs. Murphy asks her neighbour if she did everything correctly.

"It was perfect," says the neighbour, "well almost: there were no sugar tongs."

"Sugar tongs?"

"Well," says the neighbour, "when the men go to the toilet, very few of them wash their hands after handling their you-know-whats, and then they use their fingers to take sugar lumps from the bowl for their coffee. That's why you need sugar tongs."

Mrs. Murphy takes this advice to heart and after her next dinner party she asks her neighbour once again if she did everything correctly.

"It was perfect again," says the neighbour, "but why didn't you follow my advice about the sugar tongs?"

"I did," says Mrs. Murphy, "I hung them up right beside the toilet."

[Shafty]

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

 

[bitzman5]

Mrs.. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and
I are just roommates.''About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure.." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
                                                                                    Love, Mama
Moral: Never lie to your mama