paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

I once told a girl I've nicknamed my c-ck "The Hulk".

"Oooh", she giggled seductively. "Is that because I wont like it when it's angry?".

"No", I replied. "Because its green".

[zakboy]

I'd been in hospital for a few days having tests when I said to the nurse:

"How much longer have I got to be in here, I'm really getting bored now."

"You can always discharge yourself" she replied.

"OK, shut the curtains and show us your t-ts."

[zakboy]

I got caught pis-ing in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.

[zakboy]

Michelle and Barack Obama are sitting in a diner, and Michelle says to her husband, 'I used to date the manager in here before I met you.'
'So if you hadn't met me, you'd be the wife of a restaurant manager.'
'No, if I hadn't met you, he'd be the president.'

[zakboy]

Sir Alex is going to the zoo on his way home from the game.

There's a big selection of keepers there better than the ones he's got.

[zakboy]

The low winter sun is affecting the vision of all the players at Anfield - but Ji Sung Park seems to be squinting the most...

[zakboy]

A guy came up to me in a picture shop and said, "Would you like a frame?" I replied, "Sure, there's a snooker hall down the road."

[zakboy]

The synagogue down the road has been given a £100,000 by the heritage fund to help pay for preservation work.

The local rabbi wasted no time in using the money to recruit volunteers.

[zakboy]

What do you call a chinaman with sh-t on his back?


Hu flung dung

[zakboy]

The whole Manchester United squad are due to have their annual flu jab next week, all bar goalkeeper David De Gae.

There is absolutly no chance of him catching f--king anything.

[zakboy]

I've just seen an advertisement in my local paper.

FOR SALE £30 each.

1 x Mohammed Ali DVD Collection.
1 x George Foreman Grilling Machine.
(Both Boxed)

Thanks for pointing that out, I was under the impression that they were both footballers.

[Shafty]

  some really good ones there.

Here is my attempt to make ya larf.


Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[zakboy]

yep good one shafty  nice looking GS850 on ebay at the momment shafty http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Suzuki-GS850-Custom-Trike-Hardtail-Tricycle-GS-850-/290660124088?pt=UK_Motorcycles&hash=item43acb185b8

[Shafty]

Thats a nice looking GS for sure. I will get started on mine..soon..just as soon as my crippled old body (and wallet) will allow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[zakboy]