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zakboy
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« Reply #1995 on: January 27, 2012, 04:28:44 PM » |
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70 things a woman is good for...
1) Making a sandwich.
2) 69.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #1996 on: January 27, 2012, 04:32:40 PM » |
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I came home to find a stunning blonde laying in my bed.
I shouted at her "Look, I don't know who you are but you have 24 hours to get out of my house"
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #1997 on: January 27, 2012, 04:35:00 PM » |
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I always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years, my wife turned on the light, and found me holding a vibrator. She went ballistic.
"You ba-tard!" she bellowed. "How could you lie to me all these years!?"
I looked calmly into her eyes, and replied,
"I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids..."
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #1998 on: January 27, 2012, 04:36:16 PM » |
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A priest is driving home when he finds a dead pig in the middle of the road. He contacts the police to inform them. The cocky sergeant laughs and asks 'Did you give it the last rites?' 'No' said the priest, 'I thought I'd inform its next of kin first' ;-)
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #1999 on: January 27, 2012, 04:46:46 PM » |
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Just been on my first naturist holiday and on the last night there was a cabaret act with a nude female ventriloquist...
She was sh-t though; I could definitely see her lips moving!
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2000 on: January 27, 2012, 04:48:25 PM » |
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Gary Speed walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long neck?"
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2001 on: January 28, 2012, 05:56:03 PM » |
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The magistrate told me that he was granting my ex-wife a £2k a month maintenance and £300 per each of my children.
I told him he was really generous and maybe I should chip in.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2002 on: January 28, 2012, 05:57:59 PM » |
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I asked my geordie mate earlier if he'd seen War Horse.
"A diven knah wut ya tarkin aboot man.Nerbody terld me we ad one" he said.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2003 on: January 28, 2012, 06:00:14 PM » |
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I really should do some odd jobs around the house but there isn't even one blank space in my Weekly Planner.
Or, as my wife calls it, the TV Guide.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2004 on: January 28, 2012, 06:19:40 PM » |
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UK economy shrank by 0.2% in last three months of 2011
Fortunately, the arrest of Anthony Worrall Thompson should alleviate the UK's trade defecit.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2005 on: January 28, 2012, 06:21:59 PM » |
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If reincarnation really existed then majority of men would come back as a spider, so they could finally hear a woman say to them, oh my god its huge
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2006 on: January 28, 2012, 06:23:15 PM » |
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They're going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa.
That way it'll have both the time and the inclination.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #2007 on: January 28, 2012, 06:24:18 PM » |
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what do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2008 on: January 28, 2012, 06:24:55 PM » |
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I was asked who do I want to win out of Sheffield United and Birmingham City, that is like being asked who is my favorite player out of Luis Suarez and John Terry.
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zakboy
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« Reply #2009 on: January 28, 2012, 06:26:37 PM » |
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I went to the hospital today for swallowing too much concrete dust...
I almost sh-t a brick!
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