paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Have you heard the latest from the African Nations Cup?

Ghana 8 - Etheopia didn't.

[zakboy]

Did you know that the goverment has passed a bill in parliment so gay men, looking for a partner are entitled to more money?

It's called Knobseekers allowence.

[zakboy]

Fifa Announce New Rule: Any player who passes to Andy Carroll will be immediately booked for time wasting.       

[bitzman5]

Jewish Sex
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men,and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man"

No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks

."Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?""Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

because it could lead to dancing

[bitzman5]

 A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,
'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.'
 

The nun agreed.   

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied,
'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'

The nun said,
'I understand completely.'   

The soldier added,
'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of  legs!'

The nun replied,
'If you had looked a little higher,  you would have seen a great pair
of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

[zakboy]

i'm not an alcoholic,
i only drink two times a year.
On my birthday,
and when it's not my birthday

[zakboy]

I was having a fight with a hoody last night when my wife opened the back door and said "Leave my washing line alone and get in this house you drunken tw-t!"

[zakboy]

I would kill to have my first degree murder charges dropped.

[zakboy]

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

[zakboy]

Checking your facebook is like checking your boxers after a fart, 99% of the time you dont find anything there...... but if you do,


you know its going to be sh-t.

[zakboy]

As the P.I.P breast implant scandal continues, the man at the centre, Jean-Claude Mas, admits he knew the silicone implanted into hundreds of women was the same grade as used in mattresses.


I don't know how he sleeps at night

[zakboy]

Five bodies found in Rio Rubble.

She must be the new slut in The Flintstones.

[zakboy]

I got home from work last night to find my wife had my dinner waiting for me on the table...

If only the lazy bitch had washed up I could have had it on a plate!!       

[zakboy]

New statistics just in!

One out of every three atheists are just as stupid as the other two.

[zakboy]

Andy Murray's girlfriend has left him due to his long standing problem of only being able to reach a semi.