paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

One day, a sick guy went to a doctor. The doctor ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

"I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".

[zakboy]

An Irishman goes in to apply for a job but the manager won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question", the manager said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat's easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?", the manager asks.
"Ain't you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine", says the Irishman.
"Fair enough", says the manager, "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree "Ere ya go."
The manager scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat's 99."
The manager is now getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere ya go. One hundred."
The manager looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came long and pooped by each tree. So now you got a dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"

[zakboy]

Anne Robinson has got a new job hosting a Chinese strongman competition.

It's called "The Weakest Chink".

[zakboy]

An overweight vicar decided to go on a diet. But one morning, he arrived at the church with a box of a dozen doughnuts. His verger looked at him reproachfully, but the vicar explained "These are very special doughnuts; I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: 'Lord, if you want me to have those delicious doughnuts, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was."

[zakboy]

Malaysian News: 'Burglar falls asleep on the job'. Luckily, this didn't happen in England, otherwise the owners would have been arrested for causing him emotional distress by waking him up and then sued for loss of earnings.

[zakboy]

Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are.

The first one says, "My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger."

The second says, "Mine can outrun a cheetah, he's so quick."

The third is unimpressed and laughs, "Mine works for the council, so he's the fastest."

"How?" the others ask.

"He finishes work at 5.30 but he's home by 2.

[zakboy]

Producers are looking for 5 unknowns to appear in a new play about the Spice Girls.
Four of the band have applied already.

[zakboy]

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..."

After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

[zakboy]

A boat has capsized off the coast of Italy.

The referee has booked it for diving.

[zakboy]

If I had a pound for every time I was called a retard,

I would have over a thousand dollars.

[zakboy]

The prison doctor said "I've got your test results. Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"Give me the good news" I said.

"Your life sentence is nearly over."

[zakboy]

I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn't best pleased. Don't think we'll be going to the theatre again for a while.

[zakboy]

Speed bumps.

If anything I think they slow you down

[zakboy]

After being diagnosed with a terminal illness, my wife said I should get my affairs in order.


So I'm seeing Anne on Monday, Christine on Tuesday and Denise on Wednesday.

[zakboy]

I got punched in the face last night by Dracula and he knocked me unconscious.

I was out for the count.