paddy & murphy

[Hagar]

Had these sent to me  ...

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk"husband says "thats not true...... sometimes I want a kebab"

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*cking place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!


Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"


  ..  Hagar  ..   

[kevsky]

wow hagar you just about insulted every one in that little lot
apart from the libiyans and aussies
can anyone improve on that

[zakboy]

Had these sent to me  ...

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk"husband says "thats not true...... sometimes I want a kebab"

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*cking place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!


Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"


  ..  Hagar  ..   

good man hagar.

[zakboy]

Duck hunting
'I'm not sure about this duck hunting,' said Murphy. 'We've been here six hours and we still haven't caught one.'

'Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough,' suggested Casey.

The same pair, some weeks later, had been told the error of their ways and returned fully equipped with shotguns, binoculars - in fact the whole shebang.

As they lay in the reeds giving blasts on the decoy duck quackers, they suddenly spotted an object in the sky above. It was a Japanese tourist taking advantage of the windy conditions to do a little hang-gliding.

Both Irishmen opened fire simultaneously, riddling the sails with shot, causing the whole contraption to fall to earth, the passenger falling free and disappearing into the river.

'Did we kill that bird?' asked Murphy.

'I don't know,' said Casey. 'But at least we got it to drop the poor Jap

[zakboy]

Rocket to the sun
'You know that the Americans and Russians have sent rockets to the Moon and Mars?' said Professor Muldoon. 'Well, I'm designing a rocket to go all the way to the Sun.'

'Surely the heat would be too strong,' mused O'Connor, 'and the rocket would melt?'

'No, no,' assured Muldoon, I'll be sending it at night!'

Starting a zoo
Murphy decided to find an interesting hobby. Animals appealed to him so he wrote to the local pet store.

'Dear sir,

I'm starting my own zoo and would like you to send me two mongooses ...'

He looked at the spelling and thought, 'That's not right'. So he wrote: 'Send me two mongi'. That looked even worse. '... send me two mongeese.' No, that was worse still. In the end, though, sanity prevailed and he wrote:

Dear sir,

I'm starting my own zoo. Could you please send me a mongoose.

PS. And could you send me another one?

Murphy couldn't resist the offer in his local paper. 'World cruise-£200 all in.'

Full of beans, he paid his fare and boarded the liner. On deck he showed his ticket and was immediately chained to an oar, along with hundreds of others. Suddenly a huge black man appeared and began banging a drum. At the same time six sturdy sailors walked amongst the oars beating people with bullwhips until they pulled their weight.

'This is a disgrace,' said Murphy, wincing with pain and exertion.

'This is the twentieth century, and slavery has been abolished. When I get home I'll complain to the United Nations. I can't believe it. And what about that fellow on the big drum?'

'Well,' said Rafferty, 'he's not as good as the bloke we had last year!'

How much is the fare?
'How much is the bus fare to Dalkey?' asked Cassidy.

'Sixty pence,' said the driver.

I've only fifty,' said Cassidy. I'll run after the bus for a bit.'

Having sprinted two stops, Cassidy breathlessly asked, 'How much is it now?'

'Seventy-five pence,' said the driver. 'You're running the wrong way.'

[zakboy]

Expensive dinner
Burke had taken his wife to the plushest restaurant to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They'd actually eaten very little but the bill came to a staggering £200.

'Why so much?' spluttered Burke. 'We only had the main course and two glasses of wine.'

'Ah. Yes, sir,' said the smart-alec waiter. 'But there were other things, nuts, apples, crisps, bread, butter.'

'But we never touched them,' protested Burke.

'No, but they were there if you'd wanted to,' sneered the waiter.

'All right,' said Burke. 'It's £200 less £195 for making advances to my wife.'

'But I never laid a finger on her!' said the waiter.

'No,' said Burke. 'But she was there if you'd wanted to!'

[zakboy]

YORKSHIRE AIRLINES http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQR_s4yz3d8

[zakboy]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding, although he has no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria watches admiringly. After a while David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics, grabs the horse round its neck and calls for it to stop.

Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help. David slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse's neck.

David decides his best chance is to leap away but a foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. David's head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness, Victoria is frantic and screaming!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the electric Rocking Hors

[zakboy]

Official EU Language
Wouldn't surprise me one bit.


The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will become the official language of the EU rather than German, which was also considered as a possibility.

As part of the negotiations the New Labour Government has conceded that some English spelling has room for improvement and they have accepted a 5 year plan to phase in the new ''Euro-English'' as it will be known.

In year 1 ''S'' will replace the soft ''C''. Sertainly, this will make the Sivil Sevants jump for joy. The hard ''C'' will also be dropped in favour of the ''K''. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome''PH'' will be replaced with the ''F''. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ''E'' in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ''TH'' with ''Z'' and ''W'' with ''V''

Durind the fifz yar, ze unesesary''O'' kan be dropd from vords kontaining ''OU'' and similar changs vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!!

[zakboy]

A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is
between potential and reality. Can you help me?" "Well son, I won't give you the answer but I'll help you out. Go ask your mum if she'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the
kitchen.


"Hey mum... would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" His mum looks around to make sure her husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I
would." He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters room. Once he gets there, he bangs on the door and asks her
the same question.


"Oh my god... YES YES YES... blah blah blah..." she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brothers
room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing. "For a million bucks? What the hell, sure." he answers. The kid stares at his brother
and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click...


"Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality."


"What did you learn son?"


"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts and a fag

[zakboy]

"Wanted: A tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested ?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

Still interested? Call me at......

[zakboy]

Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green green, green green, and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.

[JayJay]

Official EU Language

Very clever - who thinks these things up?
JJ 

[zakboy]

Official EU Language

Very clever - who thinks these things up?
JJ  

i offten wander this my self JJ,...but my money is on it,s not paddy or Murphy  

[zakboy]

Did you hear about the American siamese twins?

They came to England so the other one could drive