paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.

The council told me there was no chance.



So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.


Apparently Building work starts on Monday

[zakboy]

AL QAEDA ON STRIKE

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs < or B.O.O.M. > responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokesmen for the union in the North East of England, Liverpool, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

The Scottish Al Qaeda spokesman said they had not had any volunteers since the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Scottish Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not at all keen on going to paradise.

[zakboy]

Sunday morning sex:

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear, replied granny. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued ~

Hed still be alive if the ice cream van hadnt come along.

[zakboy]

paddy and murphy went to donate at the sperm bank in london............ it was a disaster......... paddy missed the tube and murphy came on the bus

[zakboy]

The first gas hybrid motorcycle

[zakboy]

Paddy goes to Doctor with terrible Constapation..Dr says to Paddy..Paddy go home and put these up yur 'Back Passage'and come back and see me in a week...Paddy goes back to Dr a week later, Dr says..Well Paddy how'jay get on? Paddy replied..Well Doctor' I went home and remembered I dont have a 'Back Passage' so I stuck them through my 'Letter Box' and I may as well have shoved them 'up me Arse' for all the good they did me

[zakboy]

paddy and seamus, come across a girl whose bike has a flat wheel. seamus leaves paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later paddy passes seamus on the girls bike. "What the feck happened"? asks seamus. "well i fixed her bike an b jaysus she takes her feckin knickers off, lays on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! I took her bike." "good on ye says seamus, sure the feckin knickers wouldnt fit you anyway"

[zakboy]

Elton John

Went to a tattooist and said 'I want a tattoo of A Rolls Royce on my di-ck.

The tattooist replied, 'Why not make it a Land Rover, the s-it it has to go through'?

[zakboy]

 Letter to Paddy
Dearest Patrick

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four
days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Seamus said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck. Mick was driving. He rolled down the window and swam
to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
out of the normal has happened.
your ma

[zakboy]

 Al Gebra Terrorist Threat
Al-gebra movement

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[zakboy]

Bin laden sent George Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive.
370HSSV - 0773H

Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI, CIA and NSA can't decipher it. They ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 reply telling the president that he is holding the message upside down. ......................... you may need to stand on your head to read this or turn the computer upside down

[zakboy]

Paddy and Murphy are making letter bombs. Paddy says "murphy, do you think i've put enough explosives in the envelope?"
"dont know" says Murphy "open it and see..."
"but it'll explode!" says Paddy, to which Murphy replies
"don't be daft Paddy, it's not addressed to you!!!"

[zakboy]

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

[zakboy]

Paddy and Murphy are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past, and they explain their problem to him. He says, "that's simple fellas, watch this". He then unbolts the pole, lies it flat on the ground, and measures it. Paddy looks to Murphy and says "thick idiot!!, we wanted the height not the length

[zakboy]

Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm so glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief... Everybody keeps blaming me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------