paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Paddy on death row gets the choice to be shot, hung or injected with the aids virus. He says 'Give me that aids stuff'. They inject him and he starts rolling around the floor laughing. The warden asks 'what's so funny Paddy' to which Paddy replies 'I'm wearing a condom'

[Manky Monkey]

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." 

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.  Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?" 

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.....
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The Irish have solved their fuel problems.  They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
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Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m going to do it a bit different.  Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary got pregnant.  Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant.  Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”

Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”

Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?" 

Paddy:  "We’ll lie and say we only found two."
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Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.  "Did you find the shampoo?" 

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

paddy the farmer was walking across his fields when he notice a bloke drinking water from his pond he shouts to the bloke "dont drink out of there its got cow s**t in it" the bloke looks up and shouts to paddy "sorry im english can you say that a bit slower"........ paddy shouts back........i said use both hands you will get more in"

[zakboy]

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

... Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
... Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with
only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent
asked

"What are you selling' here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,

"You are doing well ... Only two left!"

[zakboy]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

[zakboy]

 

[klogan45]

Sioban asks Murphy if he preferrs legs of breasts. Paddy says that he preferrs a nice shaved P>ssy. Sioban replies " Thats not on offer in KFC"

[zakboy]

paddy was arested to day for an assault on an African checkout girl in B&Q........ his only defence was that murphy had told him to get a.......... black and decker

[zakboy]

Paddy gets home late one night and his wife says "Where in hell Have you
been?"
Paddy replies, "I was out getting a tattoo"


"A tattoo" she frowned, "What kind did you get?"


"I got a £50 note tattooed on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking" she said shaking her head in disdain, "Why on earth would
anybody get a £50 note tattooed on his privates?"


"Well for
1...I like to watch my money grow
2..Once in a while I like to play with my money
3...I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out wasting money on
shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want!

[zakboy]

An American tourist asks Paddy, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Paddy replies, "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f--king boat." 
 
 
...

paddy was leaning up the bar drunk trying to work out why he had only got 3 brothers when his sister had 4

[zakboy]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions, e.g. fear, etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on
his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

And the guy says," I'm green with NV.".

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped
around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host
opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Murphy, standing sta
rk
naked one with his k-ob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his d--k
stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the heck are you doing? You
could get arrested standing out there in the street like that. Anyhow, what
emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim f--kin discustard, and Murphy here has just come in
dispair."
 
 
 

[klogan45]

I was talking to a girl down the pub the other night (Christ, don't tell Mrs.K she'll go mental, well more mental than she already is )
 I said to her "You remind me of my little toe"
 "Do I" she replied "Is it because I'm small and cute"  
"No" Says I " it's coz I'll probably end banging you on the coffee table"


Billy comes downstairs after watching TV in his room. He ask's his dad "What's love jiuce?"
His dad was horrified but pulled himself together, decided that this was 'the time' and told him all about sex and why a vagina gets wet. When he's finished he asks Billy what he had been watching on the tv.
"Wimbledon" says Billy

A bloke is having a fancy dress party there's a knock on the door. He opens the door to see a bloke in a brown body stocking with a girl on his back.
"What have you come as?" He asks, "I've come as a snail" says the bloke. "What's that on your back? " Oh, that's meshell"

[Bus Boy]

paddy & murphy

[Bus Boy]

mary says to murphy,''how many women have ya slept wid murph?''

murphy answers proudly, ''only yous darlin'........all da udders was awake!''