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Author Topic: paddy & murphy  (Read 340609 times)
zakboy
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« Reply #30 on: June 03, 2011, 06:24:48 AM »

Irishman's Letter to the DHSS after receiving a Leaflet...

Dear Sir,

I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would like to apply straight away for Aids. I have been on the dole for the past 10 years and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and every other State aid I could get.

It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids has come so late, as I already have 15 children, and wondered if you will be paying back payments?

Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have of getting Aids. My only problems here is persuading the wife, who is not too keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids, but she showed little interest and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the 17.28 paid out for these gadgets?

Anyway I will now explain to her that the Government will be paying us for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she'll agree that we cannot let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance, there is a bit left, though, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.

I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the Aids I get from the hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know?

I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance, I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?

Yours faithfully,
Seamus O'Toole

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zakboy
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« Reply #31 on: June 04, 2011, 11:11:18 AM »

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
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zakboy
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« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2011, 06:47:33 AM »

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.... The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.

Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.

Colic......................A sheep dog.

Coma............A punctuation mark.

Dilate....................To live long.

Enema....................Not a friend.

Fester..........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.....................A small lie.

Impotent................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid..................A higher offer.

Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.

Node......................I knew it.

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum...................Nearly killed him.

Secretion................Hiding something.

Seizure.....Roman emperor.

Tablet...................A small table.

Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...................One plus one more.

Urine....................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure

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zakboy
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« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2011, 01:56:13 PM »

paddy was  in a lift in a posh department store, when two young arrogant women get in wearing very expensive scent. "Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle," says one. "Chanel No 5, £150 a bottle," says the other. As paddy leaves the lift, he farts and says, "Brussells Sprouts 25p a pound...!!
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zakboy
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« Reply #34 on: June 05, 2011, 02:00:28 PM »

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
coffee machine,
inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:

'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?'

The woman replies,

 its paddy The midget.'
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zakboy
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« Reply #35 on: June 05, 2011, 03:22:05 PM »

paddy was rowing his boat in the middle of a field when murphy happend to pass,he looks at paddy in his boat then shouts "paddy its idiots like you that give us irish a bad name.......... id come across and kick seven bell out of ya... if i could swim"
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zakboy
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« Reply #36 on: June 05, 2011, 04:14:41 PM »

The zookeeper says to Paddy “The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her… would you consider sha--ing her for £500″?  Paddy replies “I will, on three conditions.  Firstly, I don’t have to kiss her.  Secondly, my family will never get to know, and Thirdly, give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together”.

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zakboy
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« Reply #37 on: June 08, 2011, 07:01:04 AM »

paddy said to murphy "i want one of them trike tings so im going to add a turd wheel to me motorcycle" murphy say "when you be doing da,t then paddy"..........paddy say,s the steering wheel will be hear tomorrow
« Last Edit: June 08, 2011, 10:27:41 AM by zakboy » Logged

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zakboy
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« Reply #38 on: June 08, 2011, 07:04:54 AM »

Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," said Murphy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, tis is serious," said Murphy, "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"Murphy!" shouted Paddy, "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell 'em apart?"

"Ah, fook it!" says Murphy, "How about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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zakboy
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« Reply #39 on: June 08, 2011, 07:06:58 AM »

Suicide

An Irishman wearing nothing but Wellingtons goes up to the top of a block of flats and jumps off. The Police and some eyewitnesses are standing round the body talking when a Policeman says, "It looked as though he committed suicide then. He went up to the top and just jumped."

Then one of the dead mans friends came up to the little group and said, "He did not commit suicide. He thought he could fly."

"But he had no wings," said the Policeman, "He was just wearing Wellingtons."

"I know," replied the dead mans friend, "Someone told him earlier this morning that his grandfather flew in Wellingtons during the Second World War."
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zakboy
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« Reply #40 on: June 08, 2011, 12:05:55 PM »

Paddy's standing at the bus stop, murphy drives past so ask's if he wants a lift?''No'' replied paddy "best not I dont want to miss me bus''
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zakboy
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« Reply #41 on: June 08, 2011, 12:07:43 PM »

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at Dubln port. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four." "Quattro is just the name of the car" the Englishman says, "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You wont pull that one on me" says Paddy, "...Quattro means four. You have five people in your car so you are breaking the law." The Englishmen shouts, "You f--king idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," says Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno
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zakboy
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« Reply #42 on: June 08, 2011, 12:09:52 PM »

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"
No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
... "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to sh-g ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
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zakboy
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« Reply #43 on: June 08, 2011, 12:14:25 PM »

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!
« Last Edit: June 08, 2011, 12:16:31 PM by zakboy » Logged

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zakboy
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« Reply #44 on: June 08, 2011, 12:16:59 PM »

Paddy takes some vinegar back to the shop and says this is no good cos it's got lumps in it.
Shop owner says "ya thick tw*t - they're not lumps they're pickled oniions!!"
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