paddy & murphy

[Shafty]

Thanks   

A duck went to a supermarket to buy some groceries. The cashier asked if the
duck was paying cash to which the duck replied "No, just stick it on my bill".

 

[zakboy]

As I approached the check in desk at the hotel, the girl behind the counter asked if I had any reservations.

"Well, I have heard the room service is terrible, but I'm willing to give you a chance" I replied.

[zakboy]

Hate it when people hand over a picture and say, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger".

Not exactly going to hand over a picture and say, "Here's a picture of me when I was older", are you?

[zakboy]

Just put £100 on my 3 to go down:

Wigan, John Terry and Harry Redknapp.

[zakboy]

My wife is so illiterate its unbelievable.

When I pulled her up over a text she sent me, her reply was "Who gives a fu-k about spelling a word the right way. Chill out."

So I texted back "There, their, they're. There's no need to be like that."

[zakboy]

A well-known trombonist inadvertently accepts two jobs for the same evening, one at the philharmonic orchestra and one at the symphony orchestra, and is faced with the task of finding someone to take his place.
He asks his janitor:
"Do you think you could play trombone for me tonight with the symphony orchestra?"
"Me?" says the janitor, "I can't play the trombone."
"You don't have to," says the trombonist. "There'll be three other trombonists, so all you have to do is copy their movements."
The janitor is persuaded and off he goes to the concert hall.
Next morning, they meet again.
"Well, how did it go?" asks the trombonist. "Did it work out?"
"No, it didn't work out at all," says the janitor. "The other three guys were janitors too."

[zakboy]

My wife says she's fed up with me buying her gifts that are (a) impractical and (b) secretly actually for me.

Well, if she's going to take that attitude, the blowup doll's going back in the morning.

[zakboy]

The quality of my hairstyle is inversely proportional to how badly I need it to look good.

[zakboy]

How do you organise a party in space?

You planet

[zakboy]

My life motto- Why have a six pack when you can have a barrel? 

[zakboy]

"So John, do you think your game against Man United will go ahead?"

"I don't know in all fairness but I'm loving the weather, everything is all white."

[zakboy]

"Have I got a washing machine for you," says the sales assistant brightly, "a washing machine like you've never seen before. If you've got a dirty pair of trousers, you throw them in, add washing powder, close the hatch, washety-wash and the trousers are clean."

"Great," says Bob, "I'll take ..."

"Wait, another example," says the sales assistant. "If you've got dirty pairs of socks, you throw them in, add washing powder, close the hatch, washety-wash and the socks are clean."

"Yes, but that's more information than I need," says Bob. "I'll take ..."

"No, I must explain more," says the sales assistant. "If you've got dirty nappies ..."

"Yes, I know," says Bob. "Throw the nappies in, add washing powder, washety-wash and the nappies are clean."

"No," says the sales assistant. "Then you've got sh-t all over your face. You forgot to close the hatch."

[zakboy]

I'm away this weekend on business and my wife rang me earlier in hysterics. Apparently, she's slid into three cars on the way home, mounted the pavement causing an old man to have to dive out of the way and burnt the clutch out trying to get into our drive.

"Wow" I said. "The snow must be really bad at home"

"Snow?" she replied

[zakboy]

John Terry starts at centre back.

Until Anton Ferdinand comes on the pitch and Terry takes up a right wing position.

[zakboy]

A big game hunter in Africa was teaching his new native bearers the English words for animals.
During their walkabout in the bush, the hunter would point to various animals and say their names which the bearers would have to repeat.
On their way back to camp, the hunter hears a rustling in the bushes. He carefully pulls back some branches to reveal a native couple having sex like there was no tomorrow.
Embarrassed, the hunter stutters M A N - R I D I N G - B I K E, at which point a bearer leaps forward and chops the guy to bits with his machete.
The hunter says, "What the fu-k did you do that for?"
"M Y - B I K E", says the bearer