paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

 

[merv]

 

[bitzman5]

 

[zakboy]

 

[Shafty]

Very good    ;

[zakboy]

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you
are no good in bed either," and storms out of
the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and
the irritated husband says, "What took you so
long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the
doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

[zakboy]

During the annual audit of the local
hospitals accounts, the inspector from the
tax office said to the hospitals accountant
....."When your coming to the end of a roll
of bandage, what do you do with the piece
thats left at the end?"
....."We save them all up, and send them back
to the manufacturer, who every so often sends
us a new full roll to compensate".
.....A little narked at the smug immediate
answer, the taxman in his obnoxious manner
said."When using your plaster of Paris, what
happens to the leftovers after you`ve
plastered someones limbs?"
......"We save up all the leftovers and send
them back ecvery month,and they send us a new
full box ".
......Very taken aback at the immediate
replies to his awkward questions, the taxman
said....."What do you do with all the
foreskins you collect when doing
circumcisions?"
......The accountant`s immediate reply was.
...."Oh we don`t waste them, we save them all
up, and send them off to the tax office"
....."Oh yes" says the taxman, "And what
then?"
......Accountant.."Then every year they send
us a complete pr-ck

[zakboy]

I was told that Joan collins went to a
hospital in London last week.............
.............she went to see the birth of her
next husband.

[zakboy]

A man and his young wife were in divorce
court, but the custody of their children
posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested
to the judge that since she brought the
children into this world, she should retain
custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose
from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending
machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke
belong to me or the machine?"

[zakboy]

 My local dog kennel has just gone bust.
They’ve called in the retrievers!
 

[zakboy]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an
Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous,
she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if
she would go to Italy to have the child. If
she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know
when the baby was born. To keep it discrete,
he told her to mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home
to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very
strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband
read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one
without."

[zakboy]

What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A Beer in each hand!

[zakboy]

What's the difference between a female chelsea fan and a pitbull?

Lipstick.

[zakboy]

What do you call a Chinese fart?

Won Long Pong

[zakboy]

I recently went to the doctors for a check up.

He said, you've put on a few pounds since I last saw you"

"It's the metal fillings in my teeth" I replied. "I can't lose weight with them in"

"That's your excuse?" he chuckled.

I said, "Yeah, my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen"