Bleeding Brakes!!

[Hagar]

Evening , Sad news I'm afraid ...  "Vesty" Willis has passed away (and only 2 days before he was due to retire ) , according to the M.O. he was caught by the goons  " In flagrante delicto " with Doris in the ablutions ,  Jock says thats  " mid vinegar stroke in the bogs "  Whatever that means ( some of Jocks banter is as confusing as the M.O.'s ), and passed away , the M.O. said its not often he see's " Dead People " , Doris is reported as saying " he was on his fourth helping , when they were disturbed ", and " she enjoyed 1 and 2 but he was perhaps a little old for 3 and 4 ...  but at least he "Died Hard" "  ..........   ( Doris's use of the vanacular is a confusing as Jocks ) .....
    We had'nt known Vesty long but I think he would have made a good " Fifth Element "  to our little group ( I have a Sixth Sense about such things ) .....

  ..  Hagar  ..

[klogan45]

What Ho!! Old chap.
Sorry to hear about 'vesty' pity that he did'nt give doris a few more rides coz he would have 'died hard with a vengance' At least he did'nt commit The first deadly sin of Moonlighting, but hey, look who's talking.
Our latest adition is a strange chap, he introduced himself as "Sladder, Jacob Sladder". He thinks that he's a bit of a Bond type, however after his performance with Dolly it seems to us that he's a bit of a Bondage.
I forgot to mention that Doris is an inflatable doll. As such she gets on well with everyone, except for 'Taffy' he said that she did'nt like it when he gave her a love bite. I asked what he meant by that he said that she p#ssed off out the window!!!!
I started three new tunnels today, Rag, Tag and Bobtail. No sooner had I got started on Bobtail when rag and tag were both disvovered. A couple of the P.E teachers fell through the trap doors. I would have thought that with all this cold weather sports would have been out of the question Mrs. Scrubbit has made one of her few appearances, needless to say I am keeping a low profile.
We all have to be careful now as the goons have acquired a dog. It is a strange looking thing.... it walks funny, its large and has spots, in fact it's tha biggest spotty dog you ever did see!!!
Well keep your chin (and anything else that takes your fancy) up.
Pip pip old chap
Regards
K

[Hagar]

Evening , more setbacks today , Big X ( he's the head of the escape committie ) came round with the health and safety officer , they inspected the tunnels and condemmed the lot , one for smelling of Bovril and the rest for splinters on the props we used to hold the roofs up , apparently the new EEC regs for splinters in escape tunnels is .25cm for softwood splinters and .5cm for hardwood , and high concentrations of Bovril fumes have been linked to hair loss and early onset cardigan wearing .
     On a brighter note we have a replacement for Vesty , he said his name is Kipling but his friends call him "Hans" and we could call him 'Mr. Kipling' ( quite the comedian our Mr.Kipling ) , he's told us he is from "Vimbledon" and is a big fan of "the Vombles" , Vesty was a good man but its nice to have a fellow Englishman ( or "Englander" as Mr.Kipling would say ) on the team .
The C.O. put Mr.Kipling to work in the vehicle workshop as he said he'd once had a saturday job in B&Q's and knew all about tools , and true to his word it appears that                .................     " Mr.Kipling bleeds exceedingly good brakes "  ......


  ..  Hagar  ..

[klogan45]

Gut evening H,
K ist not here today so I am typing zis four him. He is at present languishing in zee cooler. Another failed escape attempt!!!
Ve are all most glad to hear that you haff another 'jonny englander' mit you in the holiday home. He sounds like a jolly decent unt very useful chappy.

" Mr.Kipling bleeds exceedingly good brakes " 

Ve ver all very pleased that you are getting on so vell. Ha ha you vill give the location of your tunnels to him unt he vill tell us.
My name ist Capp, and I am Dutch...... People here call me Andy........I don't know why!
Ve haff a new chappy in today his name ist Howhigh?, he ist not very tall, he ist chinese mit a bit of French in him, vell he had a bit of french in him but Pierre ran avay ven we all vent for a shower!!!!!
He vas cooking fried rice when one of the jolly good fellows here, who does not like him asked 'how are things with the flied lice' Howhigh? replied 'it's fried rice you plick' Oh how ve did all laugh at zat one
Ve were sad to learn that the Health and safety chappies have condemned your tunnel, that ist very bad news No escape for you then Jonny Englander, Ha ha
It appears that Dolly our tea ladys tunnels have been condemned too!!!!! (Unt not before time, she has been very, very friendly in ze past allowing everyone to try and escape through zem!!!
It ha sbeen nice reading your messages H, but a vord of varning, look out for ze spys, We.....I mean zey are everywhere
rearguards
Von Capp. ( No I am definately not a spy!!!! )

[tony b]

absolutely bonkers

[klogan45]

Evening Hagar, I just managed to get out of the cooler and saw the last post (Thats saw, not heard!!!)
Don't listen to Von Capp, he says he's Dutch but if he was it would be Van. Von is germanic. I must have let something slip when I was with Dolly and am feeling a little sheep(ish).
She must be in the pay of the goons too. We were going to have a kangaroo court but we can't find one, coz Taffy says that he is trying to cross the only kangaroo in the camp with a sheep. It appears that he wants to have some.............wolly jumpers........
We have had a serious outbreak of cardigans here too,I think the goons are putting something in our tea.... is nothing sacred to these people   Don't believe what X told you, we don't have any smell of bovril in our tunnels yet cardigans are becoming a serious problem. Keep an eye on X, a very very close eye. here must be something in the Geneva convention about mucking about with the rations...
 Also Johnson has started smoking a pipe, wearing slippers and falling asleep in an old armchair. Well its actually a couple of old boxes nailed together but its an armchair to us
I'm getting a little worried about 'fiddler' smith he has taken to wearing dolly's cast off clothes and says he wants to have babies. I said 'where will the foetus gestate, in a box' He said that he was standing up for the right of every man, or woman, to have babies, I'm actually very very concerned.
I have a cunning plan, when I reply to any of your messages I will put the code word
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
in the message and you will know that it is me...Van Capp won't suspect a thing....
Regards
K

[Hagar]

Evening , our run of bad luck continues , I'm begining to think there is a stool pigeon among us , today we returned to our hut after lunch to find Mr.Kipling had "Borrowed" the turret from the Commandants personal panzer ( god knows how he got it into the hut on his own and he was'nt telling ) ,  anyway we had only been sitting there but a few minutes when the lookout signaled the approach of the goons , all we could do was cover the turret with a 'Laura Ashley chintz curtain ' Jock had been saving for one of his disguises and hope for the best , Mr.Kipling thinking quickly , pointed out  the tunnel entrance under the Chaise Longue to the goons thus distracting them from the large curtain covered mass in tne middle of the hut ... it takes an Englishman to think on his feet like that , as punishment for the tunnel we are all on double rations of curry and the soft toilet paper has been removed from the latrines and replaced with torn up strips of the 'Radio Times' ... rough justice indeed . As a show of gratitude to Mr.Kipling for pointing out the tunnel .. the Commandant has said that " Hans will receive a visit from a local 'Lady of the Night' , but for the rest of us 'The Whore is Over' " .
         Later that afternoon whilst pondering on why the guards had come straight to our hut , I overheard Jock and Mr.Kipling discussing ( as the lower ranks always seem to be ) .. soccer  .. , I'm a 'rugger man' myself and had a promising career curtailed after having my leg broken in three places , Romford , Ipswich and Southend to be exact , why they never fixed the bottom step of the team bus after the first time I fell down it is beyond me ..  , anyway ... the course of their discussion turned to the 'world cup' and how " That Ball " was never over the line and how Germany were robbed by the Referee ... and I thought who would ever say such things ... then it dawned on me .... could 'THIS' be our stool pigeon  !!!!   ....    I had to talk to someone I could trust , later this afternoon I got Mr.Kipling on his own and told him I thought 'JOCK' was our informer , Mr.Kipling said that " ve must not to zer conclusions be jumping " and that " all Scotisherer type persons the Englander football is hating "  and that " keeping zer beady eyes on him ve should be "  , I knew I was right to trust Mr.Kipling .. the voice of reason   ..........
               We know all about  Ritmeister Von Capp  here , and your right he's not Dutch , he's thought to be a distant relative of Kaiser Bill  (via a serving wench from Baden Baden ) , he was commandant at our last camp , but there we called him "Handy" .
He was transfered after a mass escape ...  it was discovered the he had left the key to the camp under the mat by the door.
           


  ..  Hagar  .. 

[klogan45]

Thanks for the info, H, However I am not so sure that leaving the key to the gates under the mat was such a bad idea. We keep all of our keys under a matt otherwise known as pongo, as I said previously he really smells so much that the goons won't go near him.
So 'Dutch capp' is really a goon I'll have to be more careful when I finally get home to 'Blighty' as my wife told me in her letter that she has got one herself and has had for years. I am beginning to like the sound of Mr.Kippling, his quick thinking saved the day, or at least the turret. You never know when it will come in andy, I mean handy!!!!!

I'm a 'rugger man'

So am I, I think my wife is playing too as she also said that she was the hooker for a local team.
As for finding the stool pigeon you could try putting some corn outside the hut and grab anyone trying to eat it as pigeons seem to like corn, you could put a stool along side it and whoever sits on it and eats the corn will be your man.
I must go now, as its lights out in a couple of minutes and the computer is running out of steam here in
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
regards
K

[Hagar]

Evening ,

absolutely bonkers

curses its  ..   Von Shabba 

..  Hagar  ..

[Hagar]

Evening , tonight using one of Chalkies tin legs as a lever .. we moved the turret , we put it under the window with a vase of flowers and a photograph of Chalkies good lady wife on it , that should stop them finding it , during the move the turret slipped and landed on Smudgers toe , we have never heard such language and even Pongo was impressed ... and he has spent 15 years 'before the mast' and 2 of those were at sea !!!!! ,  we carried him still swearing to the M.O.'s   , the M.O. said it was the worst case of " Turrets syndrome " he had ever seen .. or indeed heard .... 

..  Hagar  ..
   
 

[klogan45]

Evening H, sorry to hear about smudger, turrets is a very sad thing. I expect you will have to 'shell' out for a new leg for chalkie.
We had a couple of new chaps arrive today, the basset twins. We're getting allsorts in here now..........

spent 15 years 'before the mast'

Luxury, I used to dream of spent 15 years 'before the mast', at sea or not!!!!
As for Ritmiester Von Capp it appears that he was...... Kaiser Bills batman. (you're probably too young to remember that one.... it was by Whistling Jack smith...honest)

Von Shabba? Is he there now? You need to watch out for him as i've heard that he's in the pay of the goons and all this 'shabba' stuff is a secret code word. When he says 'shabba' it means he has info to pass on.  Don't let on that you know, but we had been watching him for some time and don't think he can be trusted.
I've been in front of the C.O today and have been told to pack in my escape attempts coz it's upsetting the goons and he's not been getting his darjeeling lately coz of it.
It appears that there will be an escape committee and all plans have to go through them for approval. The head of the escape committee is a retired 'drag queen'. I'm a little concerned coz it was mentioned that escape plans involving dressing in female underwear will have the best chance of approval. Not sure about that one, after all what the 'lads' do in the privacy of their own huts is one thing but escaping in their 'finery' is another.
The good news is that I've heard that it could all be over by Christmas, but I heard that last year and the year before so am not too excited.
Its been very windy here in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch probabably something to do with the donkey kebabs with extra chilli sauce we all had last night.
Have you got the soft toilet paper back yet? The main drawback with using old news papers is that the ink stains yer bum.
Well Pip-Pip old chap hope you can all keep your spirits up at your end.
Regards
K

[Hagar]

Evening , Things have been pretty quiet here , this morning we had a visit from the Padre with his monthly chat about the  " evils of excessive masturbation " . During a lull in the "thou shalt nots" Smudger tapped me on the shoulder and said " I've been looking at the Padre , and I think he bears  an uncanny resemblance to the camp commandant" and  if we shaved his head , got a monacle , a stick on moustache .. couple of cushions up his jumper and bingo .. on a dark night he could march us all out " , I said I thought it would indeed need to be " a Very dark night, because  .. despite what he thought , the padre had'nt just come from a stint in the tunnels but was in fact a "West Indian" , Smudger was crestfallen , stood up and shouted that he " had come to the end of his tether" .. the Padre thinking he had a convert shouted " Hallelujah " ...... and Pongo and Jock burst into howls  ( or "Hoots" in Jocks case ) of laughter , Smudger not seeing the funny side stormed out saying he was going to seek solice with Doris .
    This afternoon Mr.Kipling got a parcel from home it was a " brown paper package tied up with strings " it contained " crisp apple streudels and schnitzel with noodles " and " warm woolen mittens " he said " Zese are a few of mine favorite things " , strange stuff to get from home , perhaps they sent them to bribe the guards with .

  ..  Hagar  ..

[Hagar]

Evening , Jock said the Basset brothers were at his last camp , watch out for them , Jock says they are a " bit Bertie " and to keep your back to the wall ,

Kaiser Bills batman. (you're probably too young to remember that one.... it was by Whistling Jack smith...honest) ;

Unfortunatly I remember it only too well 

 Von Shabba has been here some time , he's installed himself in an empty hut and seems to be building something , nobody knows what it is .. but he was seen going in with a plastic garden chair he had scrounged from the guys in hut M ..

Smudger came back from his solice seeking expedition with Doris and we now have a sad reminder and a bit of a mystery , he said written on the small of her back in indelable pencil was " Vesty was here " ... a sad reminder indeed ... now the mystery .. written above what turned out to be Vesty's gasp was  " All the best , Obersturmbanfuhrer Hans Kipling and all ze boys from 'A' company 2nd Panzer Regiment " ... who would have thought that there would be two Mr.Kiplings .....  , Pongo has insisted that he goes and dusts for fingerprints ... Smudger says it looks like the dust would'nt have time to settle  ... 

 ..  Hagar  ..

 

[klogan45]

Evening H, well a bit of bad news I'm afraid, we are all being shipped off to some desert (!!!!!!) island first thing tomorrow morning. I'm a bit worried as we were given a choice of the virgin islands, (I fancied that meself, but reckon that they would have to change the name shortly after our arrival ) or the Isle of Man, I'm afraid to say that most of the chaps opted for that, so I will be locking my hut door and not showering when the chaps are about. I have managed to get a soap on a rope!!!!!
The problem that I now face is how to dig a tunnel through water? All suggestions on the back of a small postage stamp to: Stalagluft 13, some where in the irish sea.
Have you rumbled Von Shabba yet, most of the blokes here did One of the Bassett twins has developed a funny walk!!!!!! It appears that he is using the male pill, it is the size of a marble and you put it in your shoe, apparently it makes you limp.
I have a cunning plan for when we are posted to the island, (first class parcel post so I hope that Manky and his mates treat us with care) I will wait for a boat to be washed up then cut it up and build a raft.
Who would have thought that Kippling was a tanky, w#nkey yes, tanky NO!!!. However after seeing him drive I am not surprised. Ask him where he used to park his tank and I bet he says 'anyvere I liked'.

brown paper package tied up with strings " it contained " crisp apple streudels and schnitzel with noodles " and " warm woolen mittens " he said " Zese are a few of mine favorite things "

Its good to get parcels from home, perhaps he will share with you.
I have noticed that 'High on a hill' overlooking the camp 'lives a lonely goatherd'  It appears that he yodels on a regular basis and a young lady yodels back. Her mamma has a gleaming coat too.
The goons are on exercise outside the camp and the hills are alive with the sound of jackboots.
Some of them were put on report as there were looking for eiddelweiss, eiddelwiess, which greets us every morning.
Fiddler smith has cut up all the curtains and made frocks for all the 'chaps'. I am seriously worried.
Dolly the tea lady has bumps on her behind, it appears that these are prices in braille for the blind.
It appears that she was in the bath the other morning and there was a knock on the door 'who is it' she asked' 'it's the blindman' was the reply, 'come in' said she............. 'Nice tits missus, where do you want the blind.....'
Well thats all from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for now, I'll keep you posted as to the move of billets.
Regards
K

[tony b]

herr von shabba here ,am i missing something or has zher been a time varp or zumpting.