Bleeding Brakes!!

[klogan45]

Hello Tbone, what about one on changing fork seals? If its not been done, if it has I can't find it.
Scrub that request Tbone, eureka I have it Found it a little lower down.
Regards
K

[tbone]

Your wish is my command..... there you go, already granted 

[Manky Monkey]

Seeing as Mr Bone has very kindly, (or foolishly), volunteered to become our unofficial Workshop Monkey, let us know if there's anything you'd like him to expound upon & we'll add it to his "to do" list. 

[tbone]

challenge (foolishly) accepted.   but everyone......
Please bear in mind that i do work full time, have a family that hassle me and very very occasionally a social life too.

[Manky Monkey]

Ha! There is no escape from Stallag Manky. You must spend eternity, slaving over a hot keyboard, surviving on a diet of coffee & jaffa cakes. For you Timmy, ze war is over.
........Where'd he go? Guards! Stop him! He's trying to dig an escape tunnel under the bench!

[Hagar]

Evening , how do you  " dig an escape tunnel "  ? .......   all Pongo , Smudger , Jock ,  Chalkie and me have are two spoons an empty baked bean can  ( tesco value bean can if that helps ) , a pair of wire cutters made from stale jaffa cakes , a bag of 'mint imperials' , 6' of used dental floss  and a copy of 'playboy' with the last few pages stuck together ... so far Jock our 'scrounger' has smoked all our fags , drunk the coffee , eaten the last crumpet and borrowed a tenner till pay day ... Chalkie is not much help either  ... all he's done is develop a bad jamacan accent and say "nick , nick" alot ... Pongo has knocked up a couple of uniforms ( not sure how 1970's bus conductors are going to help much though )  also we are on the first floor ..........  think we need  MR." T " bone  and the rest of the "A team"

We would be grateful for any help we can get  ...

cheers  ..  Hagar   

[klogan45]

Its getting to sound like the staffroom in the school where I work. I keep digging tunnels, the guards keep finding them, probably coz the staffroom is on the second floor and I keep falling into the classrooms below. The kids just ignore it when this happens now. One of them, a very helpful lad suggested that I dig through the floor of my classroon coz its on the ground floor. I can't be fooled though, thats the first place the guards would look. I think the lad wants me to be caught and get into trouble, sent to the cooler ( well the heads Office) yet again, just me and my faithfull baseball, (and my copy of algebra for beginners that I smuggle in, cunningly concealed in a copy of Penthouse). The others, jimmy the shiv, chainsaw McLeod, Waster Watson and Pongo, Yes, we have a Pongo too (we call him Pongo coz he smells ) say I'm wasting my time, but they can't cage me forever. I will escape, I WILL ,I TELL YOU, I WILL!!!!!!!

so far Jock our 'scrounger' has smoked all our fags , drunk the coffee , eaten the last crumpet

I like a nice juicy crumpet myself
Regards
K

[Hagar]

Evening ,

Yes, we have a Pongo too (we call him Pongo coz he smells )

you've got a 'Pongo' too  ....  ours has'nt always been a 'Pongo' though  ... until the goons caught him trying to escape and took away his tuxedo he used to be called 'Pingu'  ....  Have you thought about going through the staffroom floor disguised as a light bulb , then dangle in the classroom below till first break and sneaking out disguised as a P.E. teacher ? .   Chalkie tried the light bulb trick but was caught straight away   ....  they said what gave him away he was that he was too ..  dim  , we started to name our tunnels so the guards would'nt catch on ..  we think there is a "rat" amongst us though as "Blackwall" and "Rotherhive" were found almost straight away ... we are not putting all our eggs in one basket this time and have started six tunnels  called Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb  , I cant say too much about them on an open forum but Cuthbert starts on the coffee table under a magazine , we put the shavings from the coffee table down our trouser legs then empty them later into the curry flavour 'Pot Noodles' so no one will notice , except for Jock that is .. he said he'd keep his as he likes the way they tickle when he walks  ...

..  Hagar  ..   

[klogan45]

Thanks for the advice Hagar, but i don't think that i'd get away with the P.E Teacher ploy, coz i'm carrying a bit of excess baggage . I started  on a new tunnel in the library but was caught within ten minutes. I think it was something to do with the newly formed choir singing at the top of their voices. It was'nt the fact that it was disturbing the 'students' as most of them (1) Don't know where the library is and (2) most of then can't read anything but playboy, razzle etc. ) think they look at the pictures and make up their own stories.) The choice of songs was to blame, many old favourites were on the song sheet like: The ball or Kirrimuir, The good ship venus, The engineers song etc. Well its a bit early in the year for christmas carols
Tomorrow is a new day, Hahahahahahaha, they won't keep me in here forever....
Regards
K

[Hagar]

Evening , we've had a major setback with 'Cuthbert' today , Jock forgot about the coffee table entrance and set down a steaming mug of Bovril ..(heavily laced with sherry ) ..  which fell through and flooded the tunnel and badlly scalded Chalkies nether regions ( dammed unlucky is our Chalkie , 2 inches less Bovril and he would have been unscathed .. owing to him having two tin legs after a mountaineering accident in Holland ( just before the "Outbreak" of these posts  )) ... This means we have to put off plan B as well .. just as things were coming together , Jock had aquired three pairs of ledenhosen and a nuns habit ( the dress one , not the stopping every couple of hours and praying one ) and although it was risky putting Chalkie in ledenhosen we thought we would chance it and escape disguised as the "Von Trapp" family ( I know we could have put Chalkie in the habit but Jock refuses to give it up , at the moment he's pulling at the seams with his teeth ...... ( wait for it you know its coming   )   .....................................................................   but its a hard habit to break ( deep breaths ... and relax)  )  . I'm begining to think we'll never get out of here ( unless we clock off first )  ......


  ..  Hagar  ..





   

[klogan45]

 Sorry to hear about jock's dirty habit
Pongo took his life in his hands today and tried to escape dressed in a gym slip (theres a nice old fashioned term for you....showing my age ) However the game was up coz the gym slip was very short and pongo had forgotten his underwear. All was well untill he was going up the stairs and one of the women said "whats that under your skirt young lady, it's gruesome" .......Wait for it......
Pongo replied "Get your hands on it and it will gruesome more"
However, the quest goes on. We built a giant wooden rabbit (not the rampant variety) on the advice of Jimmy the shiv. We parked it by the front gate and hid behind the dustbins. We waited.... and waited....and waited. Eventually the head mistress (Thats an order not a job title ) wheeled it out of the gate. I turned to Jimmy and asked what we should do now. He said that all we had to do was wait till it was dark and climb out
I eventuall got away by waiting untill all the kids were leaving and sneaaking out with them. It cost me 20 Embassy and a copy of Mayfair.
I expect that I will be caught again and put back in the chokey on Monday. (Unless I throw a sicky )
Regards
K

[Hagar]

Morning ,

It cost me 20 Embassy

20 Embassy you lucky sod  .. we've got 10 "Woodbines" between the four of us ( unless Jock finds where we hide them ) I hope you kept the "Embassy Coupons" .
         Today was a better day ...  some " Red Cross Parcels " arrived  .... just not sure what to do with four dozen red crosses .....  we built a 'glider' with the last lot  , but it was shot down ( despite Chalkie waving his 'union jack longjohns'  at him tied to one of his tin legs ) by some passing colour blind yank who just saw the crosses ( Friendly fire my arse , we had to replace two of the toes on Chalkies tin leg with castors from 'Doris the tea ladie's'  trolly ) . Smudger has been  trying to  ingratiate himself into Doris 'the tea lady' affections ( a lady of more than ample proportions and a nice selection of reasonably priced 'sweetmeats' ) .  He thinks if we had a pair of Doris's "bloomers" we could make some sort of hot air balloon , Jock says " if her bicycle seat is anything to go by , putting hot air in them would be a grave mistake  " but he would "put them to good use "  if Smudger can lay his hands on them ....... We are getting worried about Jock  ...........

..  Hagar  ..

[klogan45]

We had to mug some of the kids to get 20 Embassy ( I am reluctant to write 'fags' on an open forum )
Tea lady with bloomers, you lucky lot. What we would'nt give to have a tea lady, with or without bloomers. Red cross parcels, luxury.... we're lucky to get crosses that we get nailed to!!! They only hung me up the right way yesterday, and one of the goons spat in my face.

Friendly fire my arse

is that an offer old mate, I know things in the slammer are hard but i did'nt realise things were that 'hard'
Chainsaw McLeod has begun the construction of a wooden horse, no not a vaulting horse but a replica of a horse. It has four legs a tail and a mane, don't ask where the hair came from but one of the ladies who helps out at meal times has been walking funny. (When I say meal, it is a relative term of course, its a handful of hot gravel and a slice of bread and butter without the bread or the butter and sometimes without the hot gravel!!!)
He says that he is going to teach it to jump over things and then get it to jump the fence. We're a little worried about him
Waster watson came up with the idea that if we cut a ciggy in half, then 2 halves make a whole, we could put the hole in the fence, climb through and shout ourselves hoarse. We could then get on the hoarse and ride away.
Well old chum I'll keep you posted.
Pip pip old man, keep your collective chins up and don't forget the old stiff....now what was it ? Oh yes I remember, upper lip.
Regards
K

[Hagar]

Morning ,
 

Friendly fire my arse

is that an offer old mate, I know things in the slammer are hard but i did'nt realise things were that 'hard'

Sorry chum .. no nancy "Brylcreem boys" here , the only thing 'lifted' here is eyebrows at the very thought of such goings on . We have just had a colonial chappie  "Vesty Willis" put in our section , though we think he's only here in case someone reads this and wants to make one of those moving picture thingys and sell it to the U.S. market , but at least he appolagised for turning up late ... , he's been working in the luggage section and has already written off three of Doris's tea trollys with his  barrow , the C.O. said he would give him 24 hours . and if theres any more damage and he'll take him off the cases  .... Doris is quite enamored with our new arrival , he's said he would like to take her up " the Hershey Highway " when he gets out of here , and the promise of foreign travel has quite turned Doris's head , Jock says "Vesty" is trying to escape by the 'back door' , but we've all tried that and he'll be up to his neck in it if he tries that way .

  ..  Hagar  ..

[klogan45]

What ho old chap!!!! I see that things are good with Doris, we have a dolly here. I think that there is something strange going on with her though as when I went to the latrine this morning, who was there STANDING UP and taking a leak, none other than Dolly.
There I was thinking that we had no commandos (of the a%al variety) at this camp so imagine my horror. It's caused quite a kerfuffle with the chaps here I can tell you as it appears that half of them have had 'dates' with Doris.
I must redouble my efforts with the escape tunnels. I will not be digging with any of the 'chaps' who have had dates with Doris!!!!! I have decided that I will start another tunnel, I thought about naming it William but some one might tell....GROAN...
We had a 'flyer' with a wooden leg calles Johnson,join us today, I asked what his other leg was called. 'F#%k off'  he said. I think that's a strange name for a leg, what do you think? He had a barney with some cabbage crates over the briney and a whizz bang shot away his tail plane. Lost control for a few minutes and saw the airstrip below him. He made a bit of a pigs ear of the landing but was lucky to get the crate down with out a complete crack up. It appears that a crack up is what you have when flying upside down. He thought he was home and free untill a voice, with a heavy german accent said 'Ha for you zee war ist over' he was not a happy puppy I can tell you.
Our scrounger managed to get hold of a big chocolate cake today, he 'borrowed' it from the commandants office. Half the chaps have been in the latrine most of the day, it appears that the commandant was suffering from constipation and his wife made him a cake with a laxitive chocolate coating. This gives a whole new meaning to the song 'Ring of Fire'.
Must sign off for now, old bean, as the goons are approaching...
Regards
k