paddy & murphy

[bitzman5]

A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have 10am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said,
                                    "Open your mouth Pet, and show him"

[zakboy]

  some nice ones hear AL

[bitzman5]

Lawyers and blonde stewardess‏

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for keeping them frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw.Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand?" Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[bitzman5]

 How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 


3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this! 


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
 
Yours Sincerely, 
The Dog 

[spanners]

 

[bitzman5]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f%&king wife.
 
 
 

[kevsky]

re the cat can you help me explain to my missus why we need to buy an industrial plunger

[bitzman5]

 

[spanners]

re the cat can you help me explain to my missus why we need to buy an industrial plunger

just show her the cats  ass sticking out of the U bend 

[bitzman5]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and her fur all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her                                   'Pussy'.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
 
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.


They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.


The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.


A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.


He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!  Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!  God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.  The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[bitzman5]

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her f===y on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"


Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk." Husband says "that's not true - sometimes I want a curry."


I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
 
A farmer gets a phone call from his son." I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive. What should I do?" "Shoot it" says the farmer " and then bury it. " About 20 minutes later he gets another call. "Done that but what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"
 
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement - it was a mortar attack.
 
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
 
 
 
A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan after the tsumani and reactor melt-down. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, "Newcastle" "What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this place!"
 
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool. The locals are said to be in a state of shock. They had no idea they had a Job Centre!
 
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up!




Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship. She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off


A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says "sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue" he says "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"


The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!

[bitzman5]

Nelson at Trafalgar 2012



Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

[bitzman5]

NEWS FLASHES

1. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved,
it's all tongue and groove...

2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police
say it's definitely race related...

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest,
but explaining they were not a dating agency...

5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was
anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night.
     To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[zakboy]

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 'I'll put 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

[zakboy]

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.