paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

CELIBACY

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Relate "Marriage Awareness Weekend", Ken and his wife Janet listened to the instructor declare "it is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered "Homepride, isn't it?"

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy

[zakboy]

I have 2 coins in my hand totalling 60p in value, but one of them isn't a 50p piece. Only current UK legal tender allowed in your answer. What coins are they?

[zakboy]

A woman weighlifter goes to the Doctor and says" I've been taking steriods and grown a pen-s

The Doc says " Anabolic"

The woman says " No just a pen-s

[zakboy]

Is Sex Work ?


A Royal Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. 

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was
in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion?   Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?   

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

[zakboy]

Paddy said to Murphy Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen- it said 'Parking Fine'.

[Hagar]

I have 2 coins in my hand totalling 60p in value, but one of them isn't a 50p piece. Only current UK legal tender allowed in your answer. What coins are they?

So one of them is then ?

  ..  Hagar  .. 

[zakboy]

well done Hagar, How about this one........... The two famous playwrites - Shakespeare in England and Cervantes in Spain - both died on 23 April 1616. Yet one of them outlived the other by 10 days. Which one, and why?

[Clive]

Whichever one was born ten days earlier than the other?

[zakboy]

Whichever one was born ten days earlier than the other?

no sorry clive

[zakboy]

A prostitute is in Court for soliciting she denies the offence when asked by the Judge what she did for a living she stated she was a Chicken Farmer, when asked for proof she said "  According to my accountnt I raised 3 thousands cocks last year"

[zakboy]

The Police Do Care..


The Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified..



The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.



He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Gordon for PM’ in 2010 T-shirt.



He also had a cucumber in his rectum.



The police removed the Gordon Brown T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[zakboy]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.



She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for an-l sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.



'Do you enjoy it?'  The doctor asked.  'Actually, yes, I do.  ''Does it hurt you?' he asked.   'No.. I rather like it.  ''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice an-l sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant..'



The woman was mystified.  'What? You can get pregnant from an-l sex?'   'Of course, ' the doctor replied.  'Where Do you think politicians come from.'

[Shafty]

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub. The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle. "What's it for?" asked Paddy. "It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman. Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."

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Paddy and murphy are skint and want some beer, so paddy says "i know we go to the pub order 2 pints ill stick a pork sausage out of my zip, you suck it, the barman will throw us out thus getting a free drink. we can do this in every pub getting a free days drinking" so off they go to the first pub order 2 pints and start drinking, as they get to the last drop, paddy pulls the sausage from his zip, murphy sucks on it,,, the landlord sees this and throws them out. They continue this for the next 9 pubs. then Murphy says "oh be-jesus paddy can we swap my knees are killing me, paddy replies never mind your knees what about me i dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub...

[zakboy]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on  the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a  drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is  asking for a push.


      "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


      He slams the door and returns to bed.


      "Who was that?" asked his wife..


      "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


      "Did you help him?" she asks.


      "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning  and it is pouring rain out there!"


      "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped  us?


      I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


      The man does as he is told,  gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding  rain.


      He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


      "Yes," comes back the answer.


      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


      "Where are you?" asks the husband.


      "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[zakboy]

This is serious. Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.

Simply dropping into Iceland for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Sainsburys at Worcester.

You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.