paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.'

[zakboy]

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!' The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma' am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

[zakboy]

Great fishing spot
The Maguire twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.

'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'

'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.

'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'

Ice skate judges
The Olympic skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again.

Up went the marks of the judges.

Great Britain 0.0

Germany 0.0

France 0.0

Ireland 3.4

'Why the score of 3.4?' asked the other officials.

'Well,' said Judge Murphy, 'You've gotto make allowances. I mean it was terrible slippy out there!'

Bank problems
It was the great depression and the world's economies were in a state of shambles. Outside the small, independent Kerry Bank the crowd were gathering, all anxious about their finances.

Tell us the facts,' shouted Jim Hanagan. 'Remember, I was one of the first people to deposit money with you!'

'Indeed you were,' said Banker Kennedy. 'And because of that you are what we call a preferential creditor.'

'A preferential creditor!' shouted Hanagan, louder than before. 'What does that mean?'

'Well,' said Kennedy. 'It means that you will be the first to know there's nothing to come!'

 
Fill my flask
'Can you fill my flask with tea please?' asked Casey of the cafe owner.

'Certainly sir,' was the reply.

'Good,' said the Irishman. 'In that case I'll have five cups, two without sugar and three with!!
 
 Caught poaching
'Caught you!' said Policeman Muldoon. 'Poaching in the river me boy is a serious offence. I must ask you to accompany me to the station.'

Halfway out of the wood Murphy the poacher pulled up in his tracks.

'Bedad,' said he, 'haven't I left me jacket by the water's edge. I'll have to go back and get it!'

'No way,' said Muldoon. 'If I let you go back you'll run off. I've got a better idea. You wait here and I'll go back for the coat!'

All that water
The Clancy twins stared out across the ocean and Eamonn said:

'Look at all that water.'

'Yes,' said Pat. 'And that's only the top!'

Can you spare 50p
In Mulligan's bar, the young Salvation Army girl placed the collection box under the nose of Mick McCarthy and asked:

'Can you spare fifty pence for God?'

'How old are you?' asked Mick.

Twenty-four,' she replied.

'Well, I'm sixty-eight, I'll see him before you do. I'll pay him meself

 
Fish & Chips
'I'll have fish and chips twice,' said Murphy.

'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'

'Then they'd better be wide,' said Murphy.

 
 
Horse raffle
The Casey twins had stumbled across a dead horse.

'What shall we do with it?' asked Michael.

'Let's raffle it,' said Joseph. '£2 a ticket, limited sale of 200 tickets.'

'But what happens when the winner finds out it's dead?' reasoned Michael.

'Sure, we'll give him his money back!' was the reply.

 
 

[zakboy]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all grew up in The Gaeltacht and never learned to speak English. One day they went to Dublin and The Englishman heard a man saying, 'We three,' so he went around all day saying, 'We three'. The Scotsman heard a man saying 'For The want of money', so he went around all day saying, 'For The want of money'. The Irishman heard a man saying 'We well deserve it', so he went around all day saying, 'We well deserve it'.
That evening as they were making their way home they came across a dead man lying on The ground. A policeman came up to them and said 'Who killed this man?'
'We three,' said The Englishman.
'Why did you do it?' asked The policeman.
'For The want of money,' said The Scotsman.
'You'll all go to jail,' said The policeman.
'We well deserve it,' said The Irishman.


Building Trade

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a job on a building site but The foreman was not anxious to employ them.
'Lift this two-ton boulder,' he said to The Englishman. The Englishman couldn't so he didn't get The job.
'Empty this thousand gallon tank with a teaspoon,' he said to The Scotsman. The Scotsman couldn't, so he didn't get The job either.
'Wheel a barrow of smoke across The site for me,' he said to The Irishman.
'Certainly,' said The Irishman, 'just fill it up for me.'

Cuckoo

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking an intelligence test. They were all asked The question: "Which bird does not build its own nest?'
'It's The canary,' said The Englishman. 'He lives in a cage.'
'It's The parrot,' said The Scotsman. 'He lives in The zoo.'
'It's The cuckoo,' said The Irishman.
'Very good,' said The examiner, 'how did you know that?'
'Everybody knows The cuckoo lives in a clock,' said The Irishman.

Dinner With The Bishop

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were invited to have dinner with a bishop. They were told that The bishop was very formal and that everything said at The meal had to be chanted in rhyming verse.
The Englishman went: 'Your honour divine Will you pass me The wine?'
The Scotsman went: 'Your honour supreme Will you pass me The cream?'
The Irishman went: You baldy headed bugger Will you pass me The sugar?

[zakboy]

Examination To Become A Mayoman

Lest it be suggested that I am unable to joke about my native county (of which I am inordinately proud, God help us) let me present you with the examination which outsiders must first pass before they can become honorary Mayomen.

PART I (WRITTEN)

INSTRUCTIONS TO CANDIDATES

(a) Do not attempt to answer more than one question at a time.

(b) Do not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at the same time.

(c) On no account attempt Question 3.

(d) Slide Rules O.K.

N.B. Candidates caught cheating will be given extra marks for

initiative. All candidates are requested to use separate answer books.

Time Allowed : 6 weeks

1. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?

2. Explain in one sentence Einstein's Theory of Relativity OR write your name in block capitals.

3. What is the number of this question?

4. Name the odd man out: The Chief Rabbi, The Pope, Jack the Ripper, The Archbishop of Canterbury.

5. At the Irish Sheepdog Trials of 1972, how many sheepdogs were found guilty?

6. At what time is the nine o'clock news broadcast?

7. Spell each of the following words: DOG, CAT, PIG.

8. Write a tongue twister three times quickly.

9. There have been six kings of England named George. The latest was George the Sixth - name the other five.

10. Quote four lines from any poem written in the English language or from any other poem written in the English language.

N.B. This is the honours paper - there is a special pass version for Kerrymen.

PART II (PRACTICAL)
Leave the examination hall and persuade the first passer-by you meet to accompany you through life, using irony where necessary.

[kevsky]

Ok zak if you are brave enough to take the lash outta your homeland heres my bit for yorkshire (gods back garden )
Yorkie : na then arlass am oft t'pub thad better get thee coat
Yorkress : Why ista takin us wi thee
Yorkie : no as turning ating off


what do you call a pork pie after 7.30 in a bradford pub ....Summat t'ate
unless of cause you follow the pc way of thought then its an affront to the muslim community because it offends there religion

[zakboy]

A lorry driver who was spotted frantically chiselling away at the brickwork after his lorry got stuck while passing through a tunnel ?

"Why don't you let the air in your tyres down a little?" asked a friendly passer by.

"no good love its the roof that wont go under not the wheels"

[zakboy]

One Tony Capstick used to tell. A man had a wife who was a devout Christian and went to Church twice every Sunday, did good works around the parish etc. Eventually the wife died, and her husband had a headstone erected on her grave. He told the stonemason that to show her devotion, he would like the words "She was thine, Lord" on the stone. When it was completed he went to see it, and found it said "She was thin, Lord". So he rang the mason, and said 'You've got it wrong, you missed off the E" Next day the mason rang and said he'd corrected it, so the husband went to look, and it now said "Ee she was thin Lord".

[zakboy]

HRH Prince Charles came on a visit to Sheffield and wore a fox fur hat. When askd why he said it was his brother's idea. Apparently he said to Edward he was going to Sheffield and Edward said "wear the fox hat".

[zakboy]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger

[zakboy]

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore ars-hole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

[zakboy]

A kid from Yorkshire starts school and his dad gives him 2 quid for the bus home. Instead of getting on the bus the kids runs behind it all the way home. Dad comes home from the pub and the kid says, dad I saved you 2 quid today because I ran behind the bus instead of getting on. The dad slaps the kid on the arse three times and sends him to bed without supper saying, you should have run behind a taxi and saved me 40 quid you little...

Two lads fra Barnsley were playing golf, one said to t'other "Nice tee shot"

And the other said...."Ay, I gorrit from market for a quid"

[zakboy]

Ok zak if you are brave enough to take the lash outta your homeland heres my bit for yorkshire (gods back garden )
Yorkie : na then arlass am oft t'pub thad better get thee coat
Yorkress : Why ista takin us wi thee
Yorkie : no as turning ating off


what do you call a pork pie after 7.30 in a bradford pub ....Summat t'ate
unless of cause you follow the pc way of thought then its an affront to the muslim community because it offends there religion

If you can laff at your self kev,.... you will never be offended,every joke out there is at some ones expense.                                                           zakboy buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, i notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells me that i should try artificial insemination.

i dont't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display my ignorance,i asks the vet how i will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells me that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
i hangs up and gives it some thought. i came to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means i have to impregnate the sheep myself.
So, i loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods,and rodger  them all, brings them back, and go to bed.

Next morning, i woke and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, i deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

i drives them out to the woods, rodger,s each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, i woke to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" i tells myself, and proceeds to load them up again,
does my thing,and drive home, and fell listlessly into bed.

The next morning, i cannot even raise myself from the bed to look
out of the window. i asks the wife to look, and tell me if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."

[kevsky]

 

 

[zakboy]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were discussing how and at what age they would like to die. 'I'd like to die at The age of eighty,' said The Englishman, 'from an overdose of Yorkshire pudding.'
'I'd like to die at The age of ninety,' said The Scotsman, 'drowned in a vat of Scotch whisky.'
'I'd like to die at The age of a hundred,' said The Irishman, 'shot by a jealous husband.'

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening.
'Will you lend me £10?' The Scotsman shouted to The Irishman.
'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said The Irishman, 'I can't hear a word you're saying with all The noise in here.'
'Will you lend me £10?' screamed The Scotsman at The top of his voice.
'It's no use,' said The Irishman, 'I still cannot hear a word you're saying.'
'Look,' said The Englishman,' standing beside them, 'I can hear him quite clearly.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "you lend him The£10.'

 


I Owe You

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were accosted by a mugger. The Englishman handed over his money but The Irishman said to The Scotsman 'here's that £100 I owe you'.

 
 Injury Compensation

The Englishman and The Scotsman were playing golf together when The Englishman's ball hit The Irishman. When The Irishman came to, he said to The Englishman, That will cost you five thousand pounds in compensation.'
'But I said fore,' said The Englishman. I'll take it,' said The Irishman.

Last Wish

A very rich man died and left all his money to An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman on condition that as he was being buried each of them would put £1,000 into his coffin in case he needed some money in The next world.
'Goodbye dear friend,' said The Englishman as he put £1,000 in notes into The coffin.
'Goodbye generous friend,' said The Scotsman as he put £1,000 in notes in too.
'So long, sucker,' said The Irishman as he took out The£2,000 and put in a cheque for £3,000.