paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

It was Postman Pats  day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, bacon beans, sausages the whole works she made him a cup of tea which she placed in front of him, when he noticed a pound coin in the saucer. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the pound for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him give him a pound.' The breakfast was my idea."

[one arm bandit]

 

[zakboy]

I stopped and asked a paddy if there was a 24 hour garage in town?

He said, "No,but theres a Tesco one that's been there for years." 

[zakboy]

Paddy and Murphy were driving along when they came up to a road junction. Paddy said to Murphy what's it like your side?

Murphy said it's the same but without the steering wheel.

[zakboy]

Mick and Paddy are in the pub and Mick says "Say Pat, did that wife of yours have all that hysterectomy business?"

"Aye she did that Mick," Paddy replies. "And to be truthful I don't much look forward to ever doing' it again, the  size the thing must be now, all the innards gone."

"Ahh don't be so soft, Pat." Mick chides, "It'll not feel a scrap o'difference to ye, it'll still be the same size it ever was."

"Oh I very much doubt that Mick", says Paddy. "In fact I heard the doctor tell her that when he was finished she could go home and put her feet up."

[zakboy]

I've just seen a great special offer on bags of Irish Horse Manure.....

"Buy 2 Get a Turd Free"!

[zakboy]

The Irish government have just conducted a survey of 100 people to prove that they are not as thick as people think they are.

50 agreed, 50 disagreed and the other 10 didn't know.

[zakboy]

After years of expensive and dangerous work at the site of the Titanic shipwreck,
Irish experts have finally raised the iceberg.

[zakboy]

Cruelty free Irish insect spray.

This product has not been tested on animals.

[zakboy]

Paddy and his girlfriend had just got engaged and were driving to Blackpool for the weekend.
As he was driving Paddy slipped his hand up her skirt.
"You know Paddy, now we are engaged you can go a bit further if you want" she said,
"Fu**ing great" said Paddy "let's go to Manchester".

[zakboy]

Irish Pub Quiz.
' Which creature was half man and half beast? '
' Buffalo Bill. '

[zakboy]

I got talking to some Irish fella in the pub last night.

"I love Roxanne." I read, as I pointed to his wrist, "Who's Roxanne?"

He said, "That's my ex girlfriend, she was a tw*t. We split up last year after she cheated on me and I haven't seen her since."

I said, "Maybe you should get that tattoo removed then."

"F**k off," he replied, "I only got it done last week."

[zakboy]

Paddy: "I snore so loudly, I even wake myself up."
Mick: "Then sleep in the spare room."

[zakboy]

Pakistani officials are in shock after examining a collection of pornography allegedly owned by the late Osama Bin Laden, with some traumatised investigators saying that the stash contained “thousands of pictures of women’s naughty bits, such as eyes and ankles”, while many of the most depraved images are alleged to show women reading books and driving cars.

According to 2nd Lt Fishy Bob Junior Jnr of the assault group that stormed Osama’s compound, Navy Seals had assumed that a large stash of magazines and photos found under Bin Laden’s bed had been favourite knitting patterns cut out of ‘Burqa Weekly’ and ‘Home and Martyr’.

However, he said, Pakistani authorities had “gone bat-s**t” after being handed the materials and discovering that they were “profoundly pornographic”.

Rear-Admiral Brigadier Air-Viscount Field Marshall Wasim Al-Waqjob of the Pakistan Defence Force confirmed that he had “experienced an involuntary voiding” of his bowels after taking custody of the images.

“It was the most horrific smut I’ve ever seen,” he said. “There were ankle-shots, posed and candid, the whole hideous quasi-limb flagrantly poking out from under the burqa.

“There was full-frontal, mostly wrists, noses and earlobes, fairly mainstream smut if you’re into that kind of filth.”

But, he said, a locked suitcase had contained images of “almost unimaginable vileness”.

“There were photographs of women reading books,” he recalled with a shudder. “And opening their own bank accounts.”

He said a third photo-album had consisted entirely of “auto-erotica” – images of women driving cars.

Meanwhile, Pakistani picture analysts have spoken of the difficulties in sorting and processing the found materials.

According to team leaders, Sheza Goa and Butnekkid Laydi, the analysts have each been assigned fragments of pictures to prevent accidental exposure to moral decay.

However, one mysterious image has so far proved largely impenetrable.

“We identified what seemed to be the uncovered face of a woman near the top of the page and bare feet near bottom, so obviously we performed Pre-Emptive Moral Vaccination on these by shredding them and distributing the shreds to colleagues,” explained Goa.

“But the stuff between the face and the feet has us totally stumped.”

He said that there was a “strange expanse of pinky-brownishness with two side-by-side lumps sort of in the middle, and a little patch of hair a bit lower down”.

“It’s almost like a man with two horrible swelling on his chest and no pe*is,” said Laydi. “Short of it being a photograph of a victim of some nuclear disaster, we just don’t know what we’re looking at.”

According to Laydi, one analyst had “had a hunch” that the picture might involve “some horrific female abomination”, but initial questioning of women had proved “bloody”.

“Asking a woman a question kind of results in her speaking to you, which obviously means you need to defend her virtue and honour by stoning her to death in the break room,” explained Laydi.

“It’s tricky, and progress is slow,” he added wistfully.

[zakboy]

Breaking News from The Olympic Village.

The Irish boxing team has left with the Gold, Silver, Bronze, Tin, Copper, Aluminium, and lead piping.