Manky Monkey Motors

To bleed your Brakes you will need:
•   A new bottle of the recommended Brake Fluid  ( dot 4 will suit most )
•   A length of rubber hose - that fits tightly over the Brake Bleed Nipple and will reach the floor.
•   A spanner to undo the Brake Bleed Nipples.
•   And a clean jar or plastic bottle to collect the old Brake Fluid into.

Yes boss, pics to follow... will do them for the weekend.  ;)

Thanks Workshop Monkey  ;D
We'll have your caliper plate essay online by the weekend too -promise.  ;)

Bleeding the brakes:
Remove the reservoir cap and take out the rubber diaphragm that is normally fitted inside, top up the reservoir to the maximium Level and refit the diaphragm and the cap.

Remove the rubber grommet from the Bleed Nipple on the brake caliper or wheel cylinder and squeeze the hose onto the Nipple.
Pour between one and two inches of Brake Fluid into your jar and drop the end of the hose into it, this will prevent any air being sucked up into the brake system when the bleed nipple is opened.

If its the rear brakes that you are doing, release the handbrake lever, assuming you use it!
You will then need to either squeeze the brake lever or depress the brake pedal (depending on whether you are doing the front or the back) hard and whilst maintaining the pressure, open the bleed nipple half a turn.
As the Lever or Pedal completes its travel a small amount of fluid will be released into the jar and you should see air bubbles escaping from the bottom of the hose.
The Bleed Nipple must then be tightened just as the lever or pedal reaches its stop.
When the Bleed Nipple is tight the lever or pedal can be released again back to its normal position
Repeat this process-applying pressure, opening bleed nipple, let lever/pedal complete its travel, tighten bleed nipple, and release lever/pedal.
This will be repeated about four or five times before you will have to remove the reservoir cap & diaphragm and refill the reservoir with the new Brake Fluid,  DO NOT LET THE RESERVOIR RUN DRY OF BRAKE FLUID.
This process must be repeated until brake fluid being spent into the jar is free of any air bubbles, you should notice a firmer feel to the lever/pedal when the bleed nipple is tightened.
When this has been achieved the bleed nipple must be tightened down properly.
Remove the hose from the bleed nipple and replace the rubber grommet.
You have to repeat this procedure for each caliper or wheel cylinder so if you are doing the front you will have to bleed the calipers on either side of the forks and obviously each wheel cylinder per axle side.
Re-check the brake reservoir and top up if necessary-making sure not to overfill as when you come to replace the diaphragm and cap it might overflow- and Brake Fluid will eat its way through your paintwork very very quickly.
You have now completed the task of bleeding your brakes.

Changing The Brake Fluid:
Brake Fluid is Hygroscopic - absorbs moisture - this moisture can permeate through the brake hoses and contaminate the brake fluid.
The water in the system will then heat up under braking and can form vapor locks which in turn will destroy the effectiveness of the brakes.
So changing the brake fluid at regular intervals will prevent this happening, and this is also easy to do
It is the same process as bleeding the brakes, except that you open the bleed nipple and operate the brake lever/pedal to pump out the existing old brake fluid.
A small amount will be left inside but not enough to make a difference.
Top up the Reservoir with new clean brake fluid as continue to operate the brake lever/pedal until you see the new clean brake fluid coming out of the hose.
This should have flushed out the last bit of old brake fluid.
Close the bleed nipple and then bleed the system as described above.

Thanks TB, we'll transfer that to the tech sections of the Motors bit of the main site as soon as we can.

Added to the Motors sections of the main site. Thanks TB.  ;)

A pleasure as always ;)

Next!

Next? hmm what to do next? ah, thats it, i know. will post it shortly for you!  ;)

I await your next essay with baited traps breath.

Ok its posted complete with pics, i`ll enjoy the fruits of my labour before i do the next article ;D

 ;D Thanks TB!

Hello Tbone, what about one on changing fork seals? If its not been done, if it has I can't find it. ;D
Scrub that request Tbone, eureka I have it ::) ::) ::) Found it a little lower down.
Regards
K

Your wish is my command..... there you go, already granted  ;D

Seeing as Mr Bone has very kindly, (or foolishly), volunteered to become our unofficial Workshop Monkey, let us know if there's anything you'd like him to expound upon & we'll add it to his "to do" list.  ;)

challenge (foolishly) accepted. ;D  but everyone......
Please bear in mind that i do work full time, have a family that hassle me and very very occasionally a social life too.

Ha! There is no escape from Stallag Manky. You must spend eternity, slaving over a hot keyboard, surviving on a diet of coffee & jaffa cakes. For you Timmy, ze war is over.
........Where'd he go? Guards! Stop him! He's trying to dig an escape tunnel under the bench!

Evening , how do you  " dig an escape tunnel "  ? .......   all Pongo , Smudger , Jock ,  Chalkie and me have are two spoons an empty baked bean can  ( tesco value bean can if that helps ) , a pair of wire cutters made from stale jaffa cakes , a bag of 'mint imperials' , 6' of used dental floss  and a copy of 'playboy' with the last few pages stuck together ... so far Jock our 'scrounger' has smoked all our fags , drunk the coffee , eaten the last crumpet and borrowed a tenner till pay day ... Chalkie is not much help either  ... all he's done is develop a bad jamacan accent and say "nick , nick" alot ... Pongo has knocked up a couple of uniforms ( not sure how 1970's bus conductors are going to help much though )  also we are on the first floor ..........  think we need  MR." T " bone  and the rest of the "A team"

We would be grateful for any help we can get  ...

cheers  ..  Hagar    ;D

Its getting to sound like the staffroom in the school where I work. I keep digging tunnels, the guards keep finding them, probably coz the staffroom is on the second floor and I keep falling into the classrooms below. The kids just ignore it when this happens now. One of them, a very helpful lad suggested that I dig through the floor of my classroon coz its on the ground floor. I can't be fooled though, thats the first place the guards would look. I think the lad wants me to be caught and get into trouble, sent to the cooler ( well the heads Office) yet again, just me and my faithfull baseball, (and my copy of algebra for beginners that I smuggle in, cunningly concealed in a copy of Penthouse). The others, jimmy the shiv, chainsaw McLeod, Waster Watson and Pongo, Yes, we have a Pongo too (we call him Pongo coz he smells :-[ :-[ :-[) say I'm wasting my time, but they can't cage me forever. I will escape, I WILL ,I TELL YOU, I WILL!!!!!!! :P :P :P
I like a nice juicy crumpet myself ;D ;D ;D
Regards
K

Evening ,

you've got a 'Pongo' too  ....  ours has'nt always been a 'Pongo' though  ... until the goons caught him trying to escape and took away his tuxedo he used to be called 'Pingu'  ....  Have you thought about going through the staffroom floor disguised as a light bulb , then dangle in the classroom below till first break and sneaking out disguised as a P.E. teacher ? .   Chalkie tried the light bulb trick but was caught straight away   ....  they said what gave him away he was that he was too ..  dim  , we started to name our tunnels so the guards would'nt catch on ..  we think there is a "rat" amongst us though as "Blackwall" and "Rotherhive" were found almost straight away ... we are not putting all our eggs in one basket this time and have started six tunnels  called Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb  , I cant say too much about them on an open forum but Cuthbert starts on the coffee table under a magazine , we put the shavings from the coffee table down our trouser legs then empty them later into the curry flavour 'Pot Noodles' so no one will notice , except for Jock that is .. he said he'd keep his as he likes the way they tickle when he walks  ...

..  Hagar  ..   ;D

Thanks for the advice Hagar, but i don't think that i'd get away with the P.E Teacher ploy, coz i'm carrying a bit of excess baggage :-[ :-[ :-[ . I started  on a new tunnel in the library but was caught within ten minutes. I think it was something to do with the newly formed choir singing at the top of their voices. It was'nt the fact that it was disturbing the 'students' as most of them (1) Don't know where the library is and (2) most of then can't read anything but playboy, razzle etc. ) think they look at the pictures and make up their own stories.) The choice of songs was to blame, many old favourites were on the song sheet like: The ball or Kirrimuir, The good ship venus, The engineers song etc. Well its a bit early in the year for christmas carols ;D ;D ;D ;D
Tomorrow is a new day, Hahahahahahaha, they won't keep me in here forever....
Regards
K

Evening , we've had a major setback with 'Cuthbert' today , Jock forgot about the coffee table entrance and set down a steaming mug of Bovril ..(heavily laced with sherry ) ..  which fell through and flooded the tunnel and badlly scalded Chalkies nether regions ( dammed unlucky is our Chalkie , 2 inches less Bovril and he would have been unscathed .. owing to him having two tin legs after a mountaineering accident in Holland ( just before the "Outbreak" of these posts  )) ... This means we have to put off plan B as well .. just as things were coming together , Jock had aquired three pairs of ledenhosen and a nuns habit ( the dress one , not the stopping every couple of hours and praying one ) and although it was risky putting Chalkie in ledenhosen we thought we would chance it and escape disguised as the "Von Trapp" family ( I know we could have put Chalkie in the habit but Jock refuses to give it up , at the moment he's pulling at the seams with his teeth ...... ( wait for it you know its coming   )   .....................................................................   but its a hard habit to break ( deep breaths ... and relax)  )  . I'm begining to think we'll never get out of here ( unless we clock off first )  ......


  ..  Hagar  ..





   

 Sorry to hear about jock's dirty habit ;D ;D ;D ;D
Pongo took his life in his hands today and tried to escape dressed in a gym slip (theres a nice old fashioned term for you....showing my age ;D ;D) However the game was up coz the gym slip was very short and pongo had forgotten his underwear. All was well untill he was going up the stairs and one of the women said "whats that under your skirt young lady, it's gruesome" .......Wait for it......
Pongo replied "Get your hands on it and it will gruesome more" ;D ;D ;D
However, the quest goes on. We built a giant wooden rabbit (not the rampant variety) on the advice of Jimmy the shiv. We parked it by the front gate and hid behind the dustbins. We waited.... and waited....and waited. Eventually the head mistress (Thats an order not a job title :-[ :-[) wheeled it out of the gate. I turned to Jimmy and asked what we should do now. He said that all we had to do was wait till it was dark and climb out ::) ::) ::)
I eventuall got away by waiting untill all the kids were leaving and sneaaking out with them. It cost me 20 Embassy and a copy of Mayfair.
I expect that I will be caught again and put back in the chokey on Monday. (Unless I throw a sicky :-X :-X)
Regards
K

Morning ,


20 Embassy you lucky sod  .. we've got 10 "Woodbines" between the four of us ( unless Jock finds where we hide them ) I hope you kept the "Embassy Coupons" .
         Today was a better day ...  some " Red Cross Parcels " arrived  .... just not sure what to do with four dozen red crosses .....  we built a 'glider' with the last lot  , but it was shot down ( despite Chalkie waving his 'union jack longjohns'  at him tied to one of his tin legs ) by some passing colour blind yank who just saw the crosses ( Friendly fire my arse , we had to replace two of the toes on Chalkies tin leg with castors from 'Doris the tea ladie's'  trolly ) . Smudger has been  trying to  ingratiate himself into Doris 'the tea lady' affections ( a lady of more than ample proportions and a nice selection of reasonably priced 'sweetmeats' ) .  He thinks if we had a pair of Doris's "bloomers" we could make some sort of hot air balloon , Jock says " if her bicycle seat is anything to go by , putting hot air in them would be a grave mistake  " but he would "put them to good use "  if Smudger can lay his hands on them ....... We are getting worried about Jock  ...........

..  Hagar  ..

We had to mug some of the kids to get 20 Embassy ( I am reluctant to write 'fags' on an open forum )
Tea lady with bloomers, you lucky lot. What we would'nt give to have a tea lady, with or without bloomers. Red cross parcels, luxury.... we're lucky to get crosses that we get nailed to!!! They only hung me up the right way yesterday, and one of the goons spat in my face.
is that an offer old mate, I know things in the slammer are hard but i did'nt realise things were that 'hard' :-[ :-[
Chainsaw McLeod has begun the construction of a wooden horse, no not a vaulting horse but a replica of a horse. It has four legs a tail and a mane, don't ask where the hair came from but one of the ladies who helps out at meal times has been walking funny. (When I say meal, it is a relative term of course, its a handful of hot gravel and a slice of bread and butter without the bread or the butter and sometimes without the hot gravel!!!)
He says that he is going to teach it to jump over things and then get it to jump the fence. We're a little worried about him ::) ::)
Waster watson came up with the idea that if we cut a ciggy in half, then 2 halves make a whole, we could put the hole in the fence, climb through and shout ourselves hoarse. We could then get on the hoarse and ride away.
Well old chum I'll keep you posted.
Pip pip old man, keep your collective chins up and don't forget the old stiff....now what was it ? Oh yes I remember, upper lip.
Regards
K

Morning ,
 Sorry chum .. no nancy "Brylcreem boys" here , the only thing 'lifted' here is eyebrows at the very thought of such goings on . We have just had a colonial chappie  "Vesty Willis" put in our section , though we think he's only here in case someone reads this and wants to make one of those moving picture thingys and sell it to the U.S. market , but at least he appolagised for turning up late ... , he's been working in the luggage section and has already written off three of Doris's tea trollys with his  barrow , the C.O. said he would give him 24 hours . and if theres any more damage and he'll take him off the cases  .... Doris is quite enamored with our new arrival , he's said he would like to take her up " the Hershey Highway " when he gets out of here , and the promise of foreign travel has quite turned Doris's head , Jock says "Vesty" is trying to escape by the 'back door' , but we've all tried that and he'll be up to his neck in it if he tries that way .

  ..  Hagar  ..

What ho old chap!!!! I see that things are good with Doris, we have a dolly here. I think that there is something strange going on with her though as when I went to the latrine this morning, who was there STANDING UP and taking a leak, none other than Dolly.
There I was thinking that we had no commandos (of the a%al variety) at this camp so imagine my horror. It's caused quite a kerfuffle with the chaps here I can tell you as it appears that half of them have had 'dates' with Doris.
I must redouble my efforts with the escape tunnels. I will not be digging with any of the 'chaps' who have had dates with Doris!!!!! I have decided that I will start another tunnel, I thought about naming it William but some one might tell....GROAN...
We had a 'flyer' with a wooden leg calles Johnson,join us today, I asked what his other leg was called. 'F#%k off'  he said. I think that's a strange name for a leg, what do you think? He had a barney with some cabbage crates over the briney and a whizz bang shot away his tail plane. Lost control for a few minutes and saw the airstrip below him. He made a bit of a pigs ear of the landing but was lucky to get the crate down with out a complete crack up. It appears that a crack up is what you have when flying upside down. He thought he was home and free untill a voice, with a heavy german accent said 'Ha for you zee war ist over' he was not a happy puppy I can tell you.
Our scrounger managed to get hold of a big chocolate cake today, he 'borrowed' it from the commandants office. Half the chaps have been in the latrine most of the day, it appears that the commandant was suffering from constipation and his wife made him a cake with a laxitive chocolate coating. This gives a whole new meaning to the song 'Ring of Fire'.
Must sign off for now, old bean, as the goons are approaching...
Regards
k

Evening , Sad news I'm afraid ...  "Vesty" Willis has passed away (and only 2 days before he was due to retire ) , according to the M.O. he was caught by the goons  " In flagrante delicto " with Doris in the ablutions ,  Jock says thats  " mid vinegar stroke in the bogs "  Whatever that means ( some of Jocks banter is as confusing as the M.O.'s ), and passed away , the M.O. said its not often he see's " Dead People " , Doris is reported as saying " he was on his fourth helping , when they were disturbed ", and " she enjoyed 1 and 2 but he was perhaps a little old for 3 and 4 ...  but at least he "Died Hard" "  ..........   ( Doris's use of the vanacular is a confusing as Jocks ) .....
    We had'nt known Vesty long but I think he would have made a good " Fifth Element "  to our little group ( I have a Sixth Sense about such things ) .....

  ..  Hagar  ..

What Ho!! Old chap.
Sorry to hear about 'vesty' pity that he did'nt give doris a few more rides coz he would have 'died hard with a vengance' At least he did'nt commit The first deadly sin of Moonlighting, but hey, look who's talking.
Our latest adition is a strange chap, he introduced himself as "Sladder, Jacob Sladder". He thinks that he's a bit of a Bond type, however after his performance with Dolly it seems to us that he's a bit of a Bondage.
I forgot to mention that Doris is an inflatable doll. As such she gets on well with everyone, except for 'Taffy' he said that she did'nt like it when he gave her a love bite. I asked what he meant by that he said that she p#ssed off out the window!!!!
I started three new tunnels today, Rag, Tag and Bobtail. No sooner had I got started on Bobtail when rag and tag were both disvovered. A couple of the P.E teachers fell through the trap doors. I would have thought that with all this cold weather sports would have been out of the question >:( Mrs. Scrubbit has made one of her few appearances, needless to say I am keeping a low profile.
We all have to be careful now as the goons have acquired a dog. It is a strange looking thing.... it walks funny, its large and has spots, in fact it's tha biggest spotty dog you ever did see!!!
Well keep your chin (and anything else that takes your fancy) up.
Pip pip old chap
Regards
K

Evening , more setbacks today , Big X ( he's the head of the escape committie ) came round with the health and safety officer , they inspected the tunnels and condemmed the lot , one for smelling of Bovril and the rest for splinters on the props we used to hold the roofs up , apparently the new EEC regs for splinters in escape tunnels is .25cm for softwood splinters and .5cm for hardwood , and high concentrations of Bovril fumes have been linked to hair loss and early onset cardigan wearing .
     On a brighter note we have a replacement for Vesty , he said his name is Kipling but his friends call him "Hans" and we could call him 'Mr. Kipling' ( quite the comedian our Mr.Kipling ) , he's told us he is from "Vimbledon" and is a big fan of "the Vombles" , Vesty was a good man but its nice to have a fellow Englishman ( or "Englander" as Mr.Kipling would say ) on the team .
The C.O. put Mr.Kipling to work in the vehicle workshop as he said he'd once had a saturday job in B&Q's and knew all about tools , and true to his word it appears that                .................     " Mr.Kipling bleeds exceedingly good brakes "  ......


  ..  Hagar  ..

Gut evening H,
K ist not here today so I am typing zis four him. He is at present languishing in zee cooler. Another failed escape attempt!!!
Ve are all most glad to hear that you haff another 'jonny englander' mit you in the holiday home. He sounds like a jolly decent unt very useful chappy. Ve ver all very pleased that you are getting on so vell. Ha ha you vill give the location of your tunnels to him unt he vill tell us.
My name ist Capp, and I am Dutch...... People here call me Andy........I don't know why!
Ve haff a new chappy in today his name ist Howhigh?, he ist not very tall, he ist chinese mit a bit of French in him, vell he had a bit of french in him but Pierre ran avay ven we all vent for a shower!!!!!
He vas cooking fried rice when one of the jolly good fellows here, who does not like him asked 'how are things with the flied lice' Howhigh? replied 'it's fried rice you plick' Oh how ve did all laugh at zat one ;D ;D
Ve were sad to learn that the Health and safety chappies have condemned your tunnel, that ist very bad news No escape for you then Jonny Englander, Ha ha
It appears that Dolly our tea ladys tunnels have been condemned too!!!!! (Unt not before time, she has been very, very friendly in ze past allowing everyone to try and escape through zem!!!
It ha sbeen nice reading your messages H, but a vord of varning, look out for ze spys, We.....I mean zey are everywhere
rearguards
Von Capp. ( No I am definately not a spy!!!! )

absolutely bonkers ;D

Evening Hagar, I just managed to get out of the cooler and saw the last post (Thats saw, not heard!!!)
Don't listen to Von Capp, he says he's Dutch but if he was it would be Van. Von is germanic. I must have let something slip when I was with Dolly and am feeling a little sheep(ish).
She must be in the pay of the goons too. We were going to have a kangaroo court but we can't find one, coz Taffy says that he is trying to cross the only kangaroo in the camp with a sheep. It appears that he wants to have some.............wolly jumpers........
We have had a serious outbreak of cardigans here too,I think the goons are putting something in our tea.... is nothing sacred to these people >:( >:( >:(  Don't believe what X told you, we don't have any smell of bovril in our tunnels yet cardigans are becoming a serious problem. Keep an eye on X, a very very close eye. here must be something in the Geneva convention about mucking about with the rations...
 Also Johnson has started smoking a pipe, wearing slippers and falling asleep in an old armchair. Well its actually a couple of old boxes nailed together but its an armchair to us ;D ;D
I'm getting a little worried about 'fiddler' smith he has taken to wearing dolly's cast off clothes and says he wants to have babies. I said 'where will the foetus gestate, in a box' He said that he was standing up for the right of every man, or woman, to have babies, I'm actually very very concerned.
I have a cunning plan, when I reply to any of your messages I will put the code word
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
in the message and you will know that it is me...Van Capp won't suspect a thing....
Regards
K

Evening , our run of bad luck continues , I'm begining to think there is a stool pigeon among us , today we returned to our hut after lunch to find Mr.Kipling had "Borrowed" the turret from the Commandants personal panzer ( god knows how he got it into the hut on his own and he was'nt telling ) ,  anyway we had only been sitting there but a few minutes when the lookout signaled the approach of the goons , all we could do was cover the turret with a 'Laura Ashley chintz curtain ' Jock had been saving for one of his disguises and hope for the best , Mr.Kipling thinking quickly , pointed out  the tunnel entrance under the Chaise Longue to the goons thus distracting them from the large curtain covered mass in tne middle of the hut ... it takes an Englishman to think on his feet like that , as punishment for the tunnel we are all on double rations of curry and the soft toilet paper has been removed from the latrines and replaced with torn up strips of the 'Radio Times' ... rough justice indeed . As a show of gratitude to Mr.Kipling for pointing out the tunnel .. the Commandant has said that " Hans will receive a visit from a local 'Lady of the Night' , but for the rest of us 'The Whore is Over' " .
         Later that afternoon whilst pondering on why the guards had come straight to our hut , I overheard Jock and Mr.Kipling discussing ( as the lower ranks always seem to be ) .. soccer  .. , I'm a 'rugger man' myself and had a promising career curtailed after having my leg broken in three places , Romford , Ipswich and Southend to be exact , why they never fixed the bottom step of the team bus after the first time I fell down it is beyond me ..  , anyway ... the course of their discussion turned to the 'world cup' and how " That Ball " was never over the line and how Germany were robbed by the Referee ... and I thought who would ever say such things ... then it dawned on me .... could 'THIS' be our stool pigeon  !!!!   ....    I had to talk to someone I could trust , later this afternoon I got Mr.Kipling on his own and told him I thought 'JOCK' was our informer , Mr.Kipling said that " ve must not to zer conclusions be jumping " and that " all Scotisherer type persons the Englander football is hating "  and that " keeping zer beady eyes on him ve should be "  , I knew I was right to trust Mr.Kipling .. the voice of reason   ..........
               We know all about  Ritmeister Von Capp  here , and your right he's not Dutch , he's thought to be a distant relative of Kaiser Bill  (via a serving wench from Baden Baden ) , he was commandant at our last camp , but there we called him "Handy" .
He was transfered after a mass escape ...  it was discovered the he had left the key to the camp under the mat by the door.
           


  ..  Hagar  .. 

Thanks for the info, H, However I am not so sure that leaving the key to the gates under the mat was such a bad idea. We keep all of our keys under a matt otherwise known as pongo, as I said previously he really smells so much that the goons won't go near him.
So 'Dutch capp' is really a goon I'll have to be more careful when I finally get home to 'Blighty' as my wife told me in her letter that she has got one herself and has had for years. I am beginning to like the sound of Mr.Kippling, his quick thinking saved the day, or at least the turret. You never know when it will come in andy, I mean handy!!!!!
So am I, I think my wife is playing too as she also said that she was the hooker for a local team.
As for finding the stool pigeon you could try putting some corn outside the hut and grab anyone trying to eat it as pigeons seem to like corn, you could put a stool along side it and whoever sits on it and eats the corn will be your man.
I must go now, as its lights out in a couple of minutes and the computer is running out of steam here in
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
regards
K

Evening ,


curses its  ..   Von Shabba 

..  Hagar  ..

Evening , tonight using one of Chalkies tin legs as a lever .. we moved the turret , we put it under the window with a vase of flowers and a photograph of Chalkies good lady wife on it , that should stop them finding it , during the move the turret slipped and landed on Smudgers toe , we have never heard such language and even Pongo was impressed ... and he has spent 15 years 'before the mast' and 2 of those were at sea !!!!! ,  we carried him still swearing to the M.O.'s   , the M.O. said it was the worst case of " Turrets syndrome " he had ever seen .. or indeed heard .... 

..  Hagar  ..
   
 

Evening H, sorry to hear about smudger, turrets is a very sad thing. I expect you will have to 'shell' out for a new leg for chalkie.
We had a couple of new chaps arrive today, the basset twins. We're getting allsorts in here now..........
Luxury, I used to dream of spent 15 years 'before the mast', at sea or not!!!!
As for Ritmiester Von Capp it appears that he was...... Kaiser Bills batman. (you're probably too young to remember that one.... it was by Whistling Jack smith...honest) ;D ;D ;D

Von Shabba? Is he there now? You need to watch out for him as i've heard that he's in the pay of the goons and all this 'shabba' stuff is a secret code word. When he says 'shabba' it means he has info to pass on.  Don't let on that you know, but we had been watching him for some time and don't think he can be trusted.
I've been in front of the C.O today and have been told to pack in my escape attempts coz it's upsetting the goons and he's not been getting his darjeeling lately coz of it.
It appears that there will be an escape committee and all plans have to go through them for approval. The head of the escape committee is a retired 'drag queen'. I'm a little concerned coz it was mentioned that escape plans involving dressing in female underwear will have the best chance of approval. Not sure about that one, after all what the 'lads' do in the privacy of their own huts is one thing but escaping in their 'finery' is another.
The good news is that I've heard that it could all be over by Christmas, but I heard that last year and the year before so am not too excited.
Its been very windy here in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch probabably something to do with the donkey kebabs with extra chilli sauce we all had last night.
Have you got the soft toilet paper back yet? The main drawback with using old news papers is that the ink stains yer bum.
Well Pip-Pip old chap hope you can all keep your spirits up at your end.
Regards
K

Evening , Things have been pretty quiet here , this morning we had a visit from the Padre with his monthly chat about the  " evils of excessive masturbation " . During a lull in the "thou shalt nots" Smudger tapped me on the shoulder and said " I've been looking at the Padre , and I think he bears  an uncanny resemblance to the camp commandant" and  if we shaved his head , got a monacle , a stick on moustache .. couple of cushions up his jumper and bingo .. on a dark night he could march us all out " , I said I thought it would indeed need to be " a Very dark night, because  .. despite what he thought , the padre had'nt just come from a stint in the tunnels but was in fact a "West Indian" , Smudger was crestfallen , stood up and shouted that he " had come to the end of his tether" .. the Padre thinking he had a convert shouted " Hallelujah " ...... and Pongo and Jock burst into howls  ( or "Hoots" in Jocks case ) of laughter , Smudger not seeing the funny side stormed out saying he was going to seek solice with Doris .
    This afternoon Mr.Kipling got a parcel from home it was a " brown paper package tied up with strings " it contained " crisp apple streudels and schnitzel with noodles " and " warm woolen mittens " he said " Zese are a few of mine favorite things " , strange stuff to get from home , perhaps they sent them to bribe the guards with .

  ..  Hagar  ..

Evening , Jock said the Basset brothers were at his last camp , watch out for them , Jock says they are a " bit Bertie " and to keep your back to the wall , Unfortunatly I remember it only too well  :-[

 Von Shabba has been here some time , he's installed himself in an empty hut and seems to be building something , nobody knows what it is .. but he was seen going in with a plastic garden chair he had scrounged from the guys in hut M ..

Smudger came back from his solice seeking expedition with Doris and we now have a sad reminder and a bit of a mystery , he said written on the small of her back in indelable pencil was " Vesty was here " ... a sad reminder indeed ... now the mystery .. written above what turned out to be Vesty's gasp was  " All the best , Obersturmbanfuhrer Hans Kipling and all ze boys from 'A' company 2nd Panzer Regiment " ... who would have thought that there would be two Mr.Kiplings .....  , Pongo has insisted that he goes and dusts for fingerprints ... Smudger says it looks like the dust would'nt have time to settle  ... 

 ..  Hagar  ..

 

Evening H, well a bit of bad news I'm afraid, we are all being shipped off to some desert (!!!!!!) island first thing tomorrow morning. I'm a bit worried as we were given a choice of the virgin islands, (I fancied that meself, but reckon that they would have to change the name shortly after our arrival ;D ;D ;D) or the Isle of Man, I'm afraid to say that most of the chaps opted for that, so I will be locking my hut door and not showering when the chaps are about. I have managed to get a soap on a rope!!!!!
The problem that I now face is how to dig a tunnel through water???? All suggestions on the back of a small postage stamp to: Stalagluft 13, some where in the irish sea.
Have you rumbled Von Shabba yet, most of the blokes here did :o :o :o One of the Bassett twins has developed a funny walk!!!!!! It appears that he is using the male pill, it is the size of a marble and you put it in your shoe, apparently it makes you limp.
I have a cunning plan for when we are posted to the island, (first class parcel post so I hope that Manky and his mates treat us with care) I will wait for a boat to be washed up then cut it up and build a raft.
Who would have thought that Kippling was a tanky, w#nkey yes, tanky NO!!!. However after seeing him drive I am not surprised. Ask him where he used to park his tank and I bet he says 'anyvere I liked'.
Its good to get parcels from home, perhaps he will share with you.
I have noticed that 'High on a hill' overlooking the camp 'lives a lonely goatherd'  It appears that he yodels on a regular basis and a young lady yodels back. Her mamma has a gleaming coat too.
The goons are on exercise outside the camp and the hills are alive with the sound of jackboots.
Some of them were put on report as there were looking for eiddelweiss, eiddelwiess, which greets us every morning.
Fiddler smith has cut up all the curtains and made frocks for all the 'chaps'. I am seriously worried.
Dolly the tea lady has bumps on her behind, it appears that these are prices in braille for the blind.
It appears that she was in the bath the other morning and there was a knock on the door 'who is it' she asked' 'it's the blindman' was the reply, 'come in' said she............. 'Nice tits missus, where do you want the blind.....'
Well thats all from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for now, I'll keep you posted as to the move of billets.
Regards
K

herr von shabba here ,am i missing something or has zher been a time varp or zumpting.

Evening , one of the the chaps saw this round the back of Von Shabba's hut and managed to get a snap of it with his trusty box brownie ,  it seems to be some sort of unholy marriage between two vehicles , one of which seems to be a motor bicycle of all things , a product of a truly derranged mind , who would want some sort of motorised tri-cycle ........
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v113/codpiece/Kettenkrad.jpg)

  ..  Hagar  ..

Evening H, well we're all back again. At the last minute the destination was changed from the Isle of man to Cornwall, wall to wall sheep there. Most of the lads were happy untill they found that the sheep could hear a zip at 200 yards!!!!!! And that they carried their own wellies. ( The sheep that is ) ;D ;D ;D
I saw that pic and was intrugued, a pic of the half track with a turret missing. Have the goons not noticed yet.
Watch out for Herr Von Shabba, I think that he is building a strange three wheeled tricycle. A sad case of something or other ;D ;D Is he to be trusted? I think not, I believe that HE is the stool pigeon. He has been very quiet of late. Probably laying a cunning plan to discover the where abouts of your new tunnels.
I believe that shabba 'ranks' very highly amongst his fellow officers. ::) ::) ::)
It has been a very quiet day as we all reflect on the loss of 'Dicky'. He was with us when we left the isle of man but no one has seen him since. We've looked all over for him but to no avail. Dolly the tea lady is beside herself with the loss. She has been walking around in a daze saying to all and sundry....'Have you seen my dicky?' No one has said no in case she shows us!!!!!! It was a great surprise to many of the lads who have spent 'quality time' with her. If only they had known. I was not 'taken in' as I saw a docunemtary once about lady boys. Also I thought that the tattoo 'Property of Michael Barrymore' on her neck and the deep voice was a bit of a give away.
We have another lady in the camp now. Her name is Martini....(any time any place any where ;) ;) ;)) she is a very friendly lass, it appears that she was part of the american forces as she has 'property of 101st airborne' tattooed on her bum.
The frocks that 'fiddler' smith made are a great hit with the goons, they say that they are for their wives and girlfriends but 'Willy the weasel' was wearing one under his uniforn this morning. He says that he is stretching the seams for his missus. Yeah right!!!!! No wonder this place is called a 'camp'
Keep smiling, make the B@st#rds wonder what you are up to. We may have a day trip to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch sometime soon.
Regards
K

Morning , just got out of the 'chokey' after a couple of days of free 'bed and board' coursity of the commandant . Firstly a bit of background to the events leading up to my 'incarcaration' ( its OK chaps , no need to go " OOOO !!! nasty !!! " , 'incarcaration' does not involve the 'removal' of anything but your liberty ) . Smudger , having had his 'faith in humanity' fully restored by Doris ' the tea Lady ' , had started work in the tunnel with renewed vigour  ,  we had dug down about 25 feet and headed north , we estimated we were about 75 feet from the wire  when we came upon what appeared to be a solid metal 'wall' , unpreturbed and buoyed up with one of Doris's "mystery meat" pies ( very nice , but nobody can quite place the taste ) and unable to even scratch the metal with the desert spoon  he had been digging with Smudger said " ok we'll dig round the bugger " , so we 'chucked a left' and followed the wall along looking for the end , after about 15 odd feet the wall started to curve away and we decided it must be some sort of very large cylinder , we retreated back down the tunnel to our hut to decide what our next move would be .. and to finish off the last of Doris's pie . We concluded it must be a very large unexploded bomb , Pongo said just going by the part we had uncovered it was far too big for a bomb , but he would go and see his 'aircrew' chums in one of the other huts and see if they knew of anything that would account for what we had found , Smudger said he would go and see Doris .. as she had been round here for quite awhile , and see if she remembers a raid or crash of some sort , it was decided they would be back in an hour and then we would go and see the C.O. and tell him what we have found .

      The time like one of Doris's pies passed slowly .............

 Pongo was the first to return , his 'aircrew ' mates had said that a chap named "Wallis"  had been working on some big stuff but not as big as we had described , and maybe it was one of "theirs" ... , then in staggered Smudger sporting a very fetching home made " Davy Crockett " hat that Doris had given him  for  " services rendered " ( never seen a " black and brown " one though ), ... after taking a minute to catch his breath  ...  Smudger  told us Doris had not heard of any raids or crashes in this area , but that the camp had been built on the edge of a cleared section of forest just outside the village , she said that some of the older villagers refused to go into the forest as it was said to be haunted and strange lights and noises were often seen and heard , there was also a rumour that during the building of the camp a couple of the engineers left to guard the site one night , were found in a tool shed shaking uncontrollably and unable to speak , this had been put down to the locally brewed " turnip schnapps " by their company commander , the villagers said they knew better , crossed themselves and muttered that the engineers  had " seen things not meant for the eyes of man " , Doris said that since then she always closes the curtains when she takes a bath .
               The C.O. agreed with Pongo that this was not one of "ours" , he thought it could be one of their " Great mono-testicled Leaders " much promised " Vergeltungswaffen " , he said we need to get as much info on this thing as we can and get that info back to the ' boffins in blighty ' ,  to this end he put "Tiny" Robinson and a crew of diggers from hut 4 on the job , "Tiny" and his mate "Phil the shovel" are the best in the bussiness and dug out a sort of cave round the cylinder , and within three days they had uncovered the whole thing , the cylinder was laying on its side and about 45 feet long and 10 feet high , round at both ends with a square hatch of some sort in the side , apart from the hatch it seemed to be a one piece construction and we could find no rivets or joins of any kind , the C.O. ordered photographs and some metal shavings be taken , the dark grey object proved to be very photogenic but all attempts to get metal shavings have proved to be as fruitless as one of Doris's  apple turnovers , the sharpest chisel being blunted after a couple of blows and causing the cylinder to make a low ringing noise like a broken bell .
      It was then decided that I should escape .. make my way to the village and make contact with the local shoe repairer who was sympathetic to our cause and from there the photographs would quickly find their way to 'Blighty' , I was then to cross the border into Switzerland then home .
That afternoon I mixed in with the Polish workers as they were marched back to their billets , one of the Poles taking my place in the hut , about a mile from the camp where the road splits and turns left to the Polish billets and right to the village the Poles all started scrapping , seizing my chance I dived into the hedge at the side of the road and hid , I laid still and watched the scrap continue for the next 30 minutes ...  the fight was not planned .. it seems the Poles just liked to scrap and this was a common occurance .. the guards seeing nothing unusual just let them get on with it .. , after order had been restored and the party had marched away I started off to the village . Finding the shoe repairer was'nt  hard , the road through the village was only about 100 yards long and this is where all the shops were , the sign above the door said " Fritz's Schuhreparaturen , leddenhosen repariert, während Sie warten "  ( Fritz's shoes repairs , leathershorts repaired while you wait ) this was the place , I could see nobody in the shop so I went in , as I entered a tiny bell on a spring above the door rang .. and a small , bald and heavily moustached woman limped from behind the curtain , I pulled the small carved wooden Daschund the C.O. had given me from my pocket and put it on the counter .... the woman stared hard at me for what seemed an age saying nothing .. then after a small twitch of her moustache she reached under the counter and produced a small wooden Bulldog and set it down next to the Daschund ,  I relaxed a little ( as much as I could standing next to a a small , bald and heavily moustached woman with a limp ) , her english was very good and the photographs and what to do with them was quickly explained , she asked if I would like to stay the night as male company was hard to find in a small village , I thanked her and declined the offer , she said if I was bothered by her appearance she did have a ginger wig she could wear ... I was tempted but I had to catch the bus to the village next to the border so I thanked her again and left . I was the only one at the bus stop outside the local beer keller and there were still 5 minutes till the bus arrived , to take my mind off of the wait I started to read the time table , under the time table was a small poster " lost " Bruno " 3 year old Alsation , black and tan in colour .... small reward offered ... , just then the bus arrived , the door opened and I was about to step in when a husky voice from behind me said " You want a good time  .. big boy ? "  " not just now " I said and turned to see where the offer had come from , behind me was a blonde woman dressed in a long leather coat and flanking her on either side were 2 of the largest policemen I have ever seen ..... then it dawned on me that the offer had been made in English and I had replied in English to it .... I had fallen for the oldest trick in the book , the next thing I knew I had been painfully grabbed by the " Rozzers" . Back at camp we were met at the gate by the commandant and 2 goons ...  " Cooler " was all he said . Well thats how I ended up in the chokey  ... 


  ..  Hagar  .. 
                   

Evening , well it's been quite a week , after my release I was summoned to the C.O.'s office and 'debriefed ' ( some sort of old R.A.F. custom I believe ... ) , the C.O. said  " we have had word from our agent in the village .. at the.. er .. "  .. " cobblers "  I said helpfully ..  " no its the truth " said the C.O. " anyway " the C.O. continued sounding rather hurt  .. " our agent has said that London has had no reports of anything like we have found in our tunnel .. and was very interested in it , so much so that they were going to parachute in two of their top 'boffins' to give it a good going over , they would be here in a couple of days ,  and they were to enter the camp in the guise of two freelance barbed wire sharpeners " ....    this would give me time to catch up on other events around the camp before their arrival  ...
 When I got back to the hut Smudger was in a distraught condition  , it appeared that Doris had been pulled  by the 'narks' .... , something to do with a copyright infringement and the production of " Davy Crockett " hats , also a number of dogs from the local village had gone missing , but worse was yet to come  .......  Doris was out of her now famous " mystery meat " pies  ... it was the thought of Doris's meaty chunks that had " stiffened my resolve " whilst in solitary , I had ' dribbled ' more than once at the very thought of them I can tell you ....
      Mr.Kipling has been transfered to another camp ( shame ... he was a good egg ) , he left me a wooden duck he had carved ...
  yes  Mr.Kipling does make " exceedingly good ' Drakes ' "  .....
Pongo and Jock have had to rewire the lights in the tunnel as they keep blowing , Pongo had also heard a strange hissing noise .. but he puts that down to Jock and the after effects of Doris's pies , Jock denies it .. he says " scotsman are akin to royalty and dont do such things ... " ... he forgets we were there when after two of Doris's " Sprout Kebabs " he treated us to his renditions of " The Flight of the Bumble Bee "  and the "1812 overture " with cannons  .... 

  ..  Hagar  ..