One liners

[Manky Monkey]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers
walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself 'they've lost the plot.'
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
 
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
 
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
 
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speakingDoctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
 
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. 
I thought she was joking.   And then I saw her face . . . ...

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....
His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

[bigdarren]

something tells me that your bored stuck at home andy lol 

[Manky Monkey]

Yup. 

[voodoo]

Made me smile anyway so keep em coming...Voodoo....

[bitzman5]

 

[Shafty]

One Liners

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope you feel better soon Manky.

[morrag]

  .....yup.....

[Clive]

Burnt my hand today in a pot of boiling oil, and shouted 'ooh, ooh, aah, aah' like a monkey. It was a chip pan see!!

[Manky Monkey]

 

[Tony oily bike]

"Fruit flies like a banana"                 

[spanners]

i,ll be rich    if i ever get paid