paddy & murphy

[bitzman5]

This is a story about
 A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
 A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

 There is a moral to this story...

 In the dead of summer a fly was resting
 among leaves beside a stream.

 The hot, dry fly said to no one in
 particular,

 'Gosh...if I go down three inches
 I will feel the mist
 From the water and I will be refreshed.'

 There was a fish in the water thinking,

 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three
 inches, I can eat him.'
 There was a bear on the shore thinking,

 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three
 inches
 That fish will jump for the fly...
 And I will grab the fish!!'
 It also happened that a hunter was farther
 up the bank
 Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
 sandwich...

 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down
 three inches...
 And that fish leaps for it....
 That bear will expose himself and grab for
 the fish.
 I'll shoot the bear and have a proper
 lunch.'
 Now, you probably think this is
 Enough activity on one river bank,
 But I can tell you there's more...

 A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was
 thinking,

 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three
 inches...
 And that fish jumps for that fly...
 And that bear grabs for that fish...
 The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
 And drop his cheese sandwich.'
 A cat lurking in the bushes took in this
 scene and thought,
 (as was fashionable to do on the banks of
 This particular river around lunch time)

 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
 And that fish jumps for that fly
 And that bear grabs for that fish
 And that hunter shoots that bear
 And that mouse makes off with the cheese
 sandwich,
 Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
 The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry
 that he
 Heads down for the cooling mist of the
 water.

 The fish swallows the fly...

 The bear grabs the fish..

 The hunter shoots the bear...

 The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

 The cat jumps for the mouse,
 And the mouse ducks...

 The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

 Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
 Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.



 Didn't see that one coming, did you? 

[bitzman5]

A biker jumps in a taxi slightly drunk with just £5.00 in his pocket. He tells the driver to take him home, or get as close as he can for a fiver.
It's pissiig down when the driver stops 100 yards from his house......... "Thats your fiver up mate". says the driver "Christ, it's only another 100 yards. You can keep me from gatting soaked" said the biker.
"Sorry mate, your out of money..... Out ya get"

The next week the biker is slightly drunk again, and spots the taxi driver at the end of a long queue of cabs. So he goes to the first cab, opens the door and says " Give me a lift home, and I'll suck ya cock "
" Bugger off ya dirty git " Replies the taxi driver.
At the next cab he does exactly the same, with the same relpy, and goes all the way down the queue of cabs until he reaches the the taxi driver who let him get soaked the previous week.

He jumps in and says "Home please driver ".......... And sticks his thumb up to all the other cab drivers as he goes by.

[bitzman5]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money"

[bitzman5]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...."Something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact
is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap, it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a
five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she
plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

[zakboy]

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register. He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

[zakboy]

Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.

[spanners]

ZAK,,,,, stop diggin,,,, youre  near the bottom ,,,,

[zakboy]

I ran into my new boss this morning, "Are you looking forward to your first night working in my restaurant."
He asked.

"I can't wait." I replied.

He said, "Oh! It says you can on your CV."

[zakboy]

Did you hear about the new rape alarm for fat kids?

It's called the i-scream.

[zakboy]

A cat and a rooster are running around a lake,
The cat falls in and the rooster is laughing hysterically.
What's the moral of the story?

You can't have a happy cock without a wet pussy. 

[zakboy]

o Ian Neale has done it again and entered the 2011 guinness book of records for breaking he's previous record for growing the world's largest vegetable! Katie Price is said to be furious and wants her's re-measured and weighed straight after Christmas.... dinner!

[zakboy]

You'll never guess who i bumped into in spec savers the other day?


Everyone

[zakboy]

I was complaining to a mate about the cost of living.
"How much are they asking for your rent now?" he asked.

"About three times a week" I said.