paddy & murphy

[klogan45]

Loved the pic of the white cliffs of dover, Zakboy. Should we organise a monkey squad to do it for real
Any volunteers?

[spanners]

Loved the pic of the white cliffs of dover, Zakboy. Should we organise a monkey squad to do it for real
Any volunteers?

one monkey of this site commented on that on facebook i think 

[zakboy]

 

[zakboy]

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.

She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning. 'Why do you let the bartender do it?' He asks the blonde. She answers 'Because he has .............


A LICKER LICENSE!

[zakboy]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's pen-s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

[zakboy]

A young man from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy undies for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and his girlfriend unknowingly got the knickers.

He sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Jim

P.S. My mom tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[zakboy]

An elderly man owned a large farm.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

[zakboy]

Notes on the Refrigerator

My Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[zakboy]

On my 61st birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a witch doctor living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the witch doctor, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
respected.

You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do
that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." I was encouraged.

As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine
from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4' he responded.
'But when she does, you will be impotent until the next full moon.'

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom.

When she came in, I took off my clothes and said,'1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

[zakboy]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates.'

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's undergarments.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[zakboy]

I was just watching a shopping channel last night and at the bottom of the screen it says " call us using your credit card "

You get some fu-king clever credit cards these days.

[zakboy]

I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

[zakboy]

Talk about a lazy pessimist.

My gran always reads the 'deaths' column in the local paper before she gets out of bed.

She says, "If I'm in there, I don't have to get up!"

[zakboy]

I'm starting to have my suspicions about a group of young Muslim men who have been coming into the garden centre where I work and buying up all the fertiliser.

Still, I'm not going to report them to the authorities. After all, what harm can they do by growing a bit of weed?

[zakboy]

I don't know why Liverpool fans are so upset about their new stadium's name being sold off to the highest bidder. They just need to find a very rich woman called Ann Field.