paddy & murphy

[zakboy]

Baptising a drunk!

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, then pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the man in water
again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[WAYNE999]

paddy sees murphy sat in a rowing boat in the middle of a field and shouts"murphy what you doing in that boat". murphey replies "im going for a little row" paddy says "you idiot its people like you that give the irish a bad name and if i could swim id come over there punch you in the mouth"

[zakboy]

that ones already hear wayne, its geting hard to find new ones now but keep them coming, im having to scrape the bottom of the barrel now to find any that make me smile 

[spanners]

KEEP IT UP, zak..  i ts the only fun i,m gettin at the mo   things are a wee bit rough here ,,been in constant pain   of differant levels for over three weeks   flamin  docs are sh1te  --or just using me as a guinea pig 

[kevsky]

ok you guys seem to be knocking ethnic minorities on this thread ,so ever the champion of the underdog I thinks it's about time you realised that you/we are not so superior just take alook at what a village in north norfolk as to offer

[kevsky]

I suppose this one aplies to us all in many ways

[spanners]

that reminds me of the pub/hotel in ashbourne derbyshire     the green man & blacks head     i think its still there with the same name

[zakboy]

KEEP IT UP, zak..  i ts the only fun i,m gettin at the mo   things are a wee bit rough here ,,been in constant pain   of differant levels for over three weeks   flamin  docs are sh1te  --or just using me as a guinea pig 

well i hope things start and inprove for you soon my frend,its no joke when your in pain and the doc cant sort it out for you.all the best zak

[zakboy]

What do you call a French/Muslim suicide bomber in a carpet warehouse?

Linoleum Blownapart

[zakboy]

Cannibal walking through the jungle comes across his best mate crying his eyes out over a huge pile of sh-t.

'What's up he asked?'

'Just dumped my girl friend' his mate replied.

[zakboy]

THE HORSE RACE
The Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows,
Thighs weakens,
Heavy Bosom pulls up,
and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

[zakboy]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and
buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want
to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with
grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father and the mother, and the man tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life".

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account.

If it's twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You sh-g her again."

[klogan45]

There's a road in Exeter called Blackboy road. Don't know where the name came from though.

(You can google it just in case you don't believe me )

[klogan45]

The binman knocked on the door of a house and asked the owner, who was coloured "Where's yer bin' "I'se bin in the garden" was the reply. The binman said " No,...where's yer bin" "I told you man, i'se bin in the garden" The binman was getting more and more frustrated so he did what all good brits do when trying to make foreigners understand them he raised his voice and said " Where's yer wheelie bin" "Ok, ok, I'se wheelie bin upstairs having a w*nk"

[zakboy]

ok you guys seem to be knocking ethnic minorities on this thread ,so ever the champion of the underdog I thinks it's about time you realised that you/we are not so superior just take alook at what a village in north norfolk as to offer

hadn't heard these three before,...but did get a call off Stevie wonder about them who said he just could not see the funny side,.... would like to point out i do apologies if i have offended any ethnic group........ by not giving you a mention in the thread so far, but will try my best to get round to all ethnic groups at some point,
i do so hate to be showing favoritism.